The secret to having it all, is knowing that you already do.

I really don't think I say it enough.

I am so grateful for this life.

I have an extremely hard working husband who does everything he can to support and provide for our little family. He goes to bed late every night just to get a little bit of family time in before another long day of work. He has continued his career in the military, and put his dreams to the side more times than I can count, just to keep a roof over his family's heads. I know that he is stressed out most days, but he is (usually) pretty good about not letting anyone know it. I don't know what we would do without this guy!

We have three AMAZING kids! Yes, two of them are covered in fur... but we love them just the same! Even on their worst days, I wouldn't even dream of trading them in! ;) G will be 2 in just a few short months and I can't believe it! He has grown so much and is so incredibly smart. Even smarter than me sometimes, I think! He is always learning something new and is constantly surprising me with what he is capable of. That little boy can put a smile on my face like no one else.

I get to be a stay at home mommy! Staying at home is by far the hardest job I have ever had. But in so many ways, it is also the most rewarding. I haven't missed out on a single thing in our child's life. Not one missed step...not a single word unheard. For that, I am extremely lucky. Of course there are days when I would sell my left arm just to finish a cup of coffee. Days when the laundry is coming out my ears. Days when I can't remember if I've showered....But I wouldn't trade a single one of those days knowing that I might miss out of watching my little guy grow up. There will always be chores left undone and I am okay with that because my baby will only be a baby for a short while.

I have turned my favorite hobby into a small business. I love photography! It brings me so much joy to know that I get paid to do something I love. No, I could not survive off of this income, and that's okay with me! I love being available for the people who cannot afford $300+ for a photo shoot. The people who are just like me. Who STILL don't have a family photo hanging on their wall because $300 just isn't in their budgets. I like knowing that my clients are happy. That I am providing them with a good deal. And at the end of the week, I get to take my little guy out for a special Mommy-Son lunch. THAT'S what I do this for.

I have the most amazing family! My parents and my in-laws are so fantastic. My life has certainly had its ups and downs...especially since becoming a military wife! Things are not always easy. I don't always have an answer. Sometimes I think I have a plan, but as my fellow military wives know, that plan is never guaranteed until the military says it is. (and even then...who knows!) Moving away from my family has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I miss them more and more each day that I am away. I hate not having them to lean on when I have had a hard day. I hate that G asks for them on a daily basis. It's hard...very hard.

My friends are no longer just friends...they are my chosen family. I only have a few, but they're all I need! One text can brighten my whole day. We can go days, even weeks, without talking and yet it's like no time has passed at all. They are my favorite people. They complete me.


The secret to having it all, is knowing that you already do. And boy do I have it all!

Feel all the emotionzzz!!!

So, Sunday marked my One Month-iversary! It is so crazy to think that it has already been a whole month since G and I flew up here.

Things have been going really well! I venture out here and there to check out new places and towns. I am definitely getting used to the area and what it has to offer. I even got to meet a few of the wives from Nick's work! Everyone has been super nice :) Actually, that's one of the things I like most about this area. Compared to Southern Ca, the people here are soooooo much nicer! People wave as they walk by, sometimes even strike up a conversation. I am ashamed to admit that I actually thought this was weird at first but this is how it SHOULD be! Heaven forbid we should be friendly with one another!

So what's new? I apologize but this may get ramble...y...?

I still don't have the house completely unpacked... tisk tisk! It is incredibly hard to get anything done with the little monster running around doing all the things I just told him 70 times not to. My chore time is squeezed into the hour (maybe two) that the kid naps. And even then, I am limited on what I can do based on noise level. IE no vacuuming, no dishes, no laundry, etc. The kid has bionic hearing!

Hubby and I got to go to our first Sacramento River Cats game the other night! A group of retired Marines treated the Recruiting crew to a suite filled with more food than we could possibly eat! We had a great time and it was super nice to have an adult night out. Lets just say, those have been EXTREMELY limited these days :(

I am hoping to get G into a daycare/preschool type program soon. This mama could definitely use some grown up interaction! I love that boy to death but if we don't get some separation soon, my head might explode! Even if it just means joining a gym and sticking him in the provided play room for an hour. Anything to get some "me time". I would also really love to get a job while we're here but daycare is ridiculously expensive. How do people afford it?!!?!?!?!? And how do I know I can even trust the person watching him?

My sister is coming to visit in 16 days! I am so beyond excited! I have really really been missing my family lately. I do like it here, but it is really hard being so far away. G talks about his aunts and grandparents nearly every day and no matter what I say to him, he just doesn't understand that we can't just go see them. We are so used to seeing my parents at least once a week so this month has been an emotional challenge.

Speaking of emotional... Where the heck do all these tears come from!? This last week especially I have been an emotional wreck! Even as I write this I feel my throat starting to get tight. This whole move has been pretty stressful, but I thought I was handling it really well! I am starting to think that my body/mind viewed this whole move as more of a vacation. Like "Hey! We're gonna go visit this new place and it will be exciting and fun and a new adventure and then you'll get to come home and go back to normal." I think the reality that this is not a vacation, that this is our new life and we actually live here, is settling in.
I'm stressed, I'm tired, and the kid is giving me such a hard time lately! I'm sure this is just as hard on him as it is on the rest of us but I could really use a break.

I think I need a beach day! Sun, sand, salty air...

Our new home!

G and I arrived at our new home on Sunday. Hubby had already set up the major necessities, i.e. living room furniture, our beds, daily kitchen needs, etc. That made things a little easier on me. It felt like home with all of my things waiting for me instead of walking into an empty shell of a house. I have been trying to get the rest of our things unpacked little by little. We have waayyyy too much crap for a family of three! How did that happen???

I'm liking this area so far. Although still California, I might as well be in a different state. Things are green here! GREEN! I have trees in my backyard...No, not palm trees. Big, leafy, shade giving, green trees! Birds live in them! This kid and the dogs are absolutely loving having a back yard. I must admit, I love it too. I don't have have everyone under my feet all day. When I need to get stuff done, I just send the pups out for some playtime and voila! It's amazing :)
Our house is very small. With that come good and bad things. The nice part is I don't have much to clean! The not so nice part is trying to find room for all of the previously mentioned crap we have accumulated over the years. I see a garage sale in our near future!

Anyways, I have compiled a Pros/Cons list based on what I have experienced in the last two days.

PROS:

Did I mention it's green here?
The weather has been beautiful.
Our neighborhood is very quiet.
There is a Starbucks within walking distance.
We have a kids park just around the corner from our house.
My cousin lives nearby.
Target, Walmart and Costco are all about 10 minutes away.
We're close to the city, but not too close.
We have a GIANT backyard!
Mail is delivered to our front door.
We're about 10 minutes from the water...hello fishing, swimming, relaxing family time!

CONS:

I have no idea where the F@#K I am going!!
Some of the nearby blocks/towns are ghetto-ish but I have no idea which ones.
The city has one way streets.
I need GPS just to get out of my neighborhood.
I need Yelp to find food, water, grocery....everything....
My family and friends now 8 1/2 hours away.
G asks for his grandparents every morning and it breaks my heart.
The speed limit is about 15mph less than in SoCal and I feel like a turtle.



I have a lot to get used to but I have an open mind and a positive mindset! I am excited to see what the next 3-ish years have in store for my little family :)

PS...If you want to come visit, we have an extra room and a VERY comfy blow up mattress.

A new city!

The day is quickly approaching!! The day that we get to find out where we are moving to!

I have known the date that we would find out since the very beginning of all of this but for some reason I didn't realize that it was right around the corner! In just 10 days, I will know where we will live for the next 3 years. I would appreciate any thoughts and prayers here...Please don't send me to the middle of nowhere!!! This CaliGirl needs sun, sand, and a Starbucks on every corner!

I am actually getting quite nervous to find out! This is a huge deal for me. I have never lived anywhere else before so the thought of moving away from everything I have known for the last 25 years is really freaking me out!

I'm also excited though! This will be a big change for our little family. A journey, as everyone keeps saying. We will get the opportunity to see a new part of the country and not everyone can say that! Some people go their whole lives without ever seeing what is past their front porch. Well, that won't be me anymore! A new city, new people. A chance to start fresh! And THAT is something I can look forward to!

In need of a confidence boost!

Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for this job. Being a mom, that is.

It's crazy to think that I have dreamed of being a mommy since I was a kid! But now that I am one, I am constantly trying to remind myself that I am good enough for this role. Why is it so freakin' hard?! How can I love someone so much when he spends 90% of his day driving me bonkers?! How do I keep my kid occupied AND stay on top of the chores? How do I make him happy? How do I make Hubby happy? How do I make MYSELF happy??

And when did being a Mom become such a Goddamn competition?! If I could change one thing about motherhood, it would be all the competitive, petty, bullshit that happens on the regular! If you don't want to know or see what my child is doing, or if you're going to have a negative opinion about it, then you can kick rocks. I didn't ask for your opinion, I don't care what you think, and I don't need to know that you think your child is more advanced than mine. I think my kid is pretty amazing and that's all that matters! I happen to worship the ground he walks on. I happen to be pretty proud of everything he has accomplished in the last 16 months!

Why do people feel it's necessary to constantly belittle one another? I would NEVER talk badly about a child. Nor would I ever talk badly about the person raising that child! Nobody knows my baby like his dad and I do. And I don't pretend to know your child better than you do. I will continue to raise my son the best way that I know how and if I think I need your assistance, I will ask for it. Don't make me feel bad if my choices are not the same as yours. As Mothers, and one of the biggest influences in our kid's lives, we should BE THERE for one another. LIFT each other when we're feeling down. PRAISE accomplishments!

I tend to get lost in this toxic crowd. Unable to plot my escape. I fall victim to the harsh words. I start to believe that what I'm doing isn't enough. That I am not enough...

Sometimes my house is a mess. Sometimes the dishes pile up. Sometimes we call for pizza when cooking dinner seems next to impossible. Sometimes I choose to curl my hair instead of vacuuming because I just need that little pick me up to keep myself going that day.

I may not have the cleanest house, or the most organized lifestyle, but my baby is fed, he's bathed, he's taught, played with...and dare I say it? HAPPY! And those little smiles...those sweet hugs and kisses throughout the day... THOSE are the things that let me know that what I am doing is totally worth it. That I mean something major to another human being. I am his Mom and he is my baby. There is no greater love. There is no greater job. And Motherhood is DEFINITELY a job I'm cut out for.

Busy bee!

I feel like time is zooming past and standing still at the same time. Is that possible?!

When I say that we're moving in June, I feel like that is SOOO far away! But when I say we are moving in exactly 3 months... Well, that seems right around the corner!

Although my stress level is waayyy down after finding a buyer for the house, I still have an outrageous amount of anxiety because I still have NO idea where we are going to be living. That seriously scares the living Hell out of me! I want to plan! I want to research! THIS IS KILLING MEEEEE!

I'm going to be a busy bee next month. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to book my weekends solid with photo shoots. While that's good for the pocket, it's not good for getting this house packed up! Whoops ;)

I did go get boxes and those weird vacuum bags you put blankets and pillows in though! That's a start. I have created a goal for myself to get one box packed up each day. That sounds easy, but with the kid and the dogs taking up all my time and energy, this could be a tough goal to fulfill!

One step at a time, Ashleigh. One step at a time!

Now, since my whole house fell asleep before the sun went down, I should really put my time to use! Buuuttttt..... that Malibu in the fridge is really calling my name. ;D

I'm a Marine Wife for a little longer.

So much has changed in the last month. I don't even know where to start!

In my last post I talked about us trying to make a decision to either take a police job in MD or try and stay in Ca. Well, we made a decision but it wasn't what we (or anyone else for that matter) were expecting!

Hubby accepted Recruiting Duty orders. This means we're in it for another 3-4 years and will probably end up continuing on in the Military until he retires. Overall this was the best decision for our little family. It is a guaranteed paycheck and great benefits. Something we weren't sure we would have if we waited for an answer from the police departments.

We're both a little sad that Nick's CHP dreams are put on hold, but after talking about it over and over, it just didn't seem smart to keep waiting for them to make a decision. We were also very concerned about his foot and leg, and how long they would last with how much stress a police job would put on them.

I'm trying to stay positive through all of this. But let me tell ya, it ain't easy! We have been CRAZY BUSY the last few weeks getting our house "Sell Worthy". We scrubbed this place top to bottom, wall to wall! The day we put it up for sale, we had three people come look at it! The first week was quite a whirl wind! After just a week and a half, we had three offers and ended up accepting one just a few days ago. Knowing that we have a buyer has definitely taken a weight off of my shoulders. But that's just one piece of the puzzle.

The hardest part of all this, is not knowing where we will move to. We could literally go anywhere in the US! (You could totally say a little prayer that we end up in NorCal...if you want.) I really want to be able to research where we will live. I want to know where the schools are, the stores, how close a park is, what the houses look like...but I can't do any of that! It is so frustrating. I can't prepare at all!

Anyways...Just wanted to throw a little update out there! Not sure how much I will be able to get on here in the next few months. My time will be spent getting this house all packed up and ready to go! :)

Being a grown up is hard work!

The last few days have been CRAZY! My little family is here in New Jersey visiting with some of Hubby's family. We have also been traveling to maryland for him to take a few police tests. The good news is he passed them all! I am so proud of him! The hard part is now having to decide what we are going to do. Pack up our lives and accept a job on the east coast, or have him reenlist and go another twelve years with him in the military. 

Both decisions have their good and bad points...

Taking the Maryland job:

PROS...

Experiencing another part of the country

Getting out of the military

Hubby getting to be close to his family

G getting to be around his other grandparents more

Experiencing more than one season

Meeting new people

CONS...

Moving away from my family and friends

Having to suffer through a snowy winter season

The uncertainty of what life will be like taking this job

Not making as much money

Potentially having G in daycare so I can work

Reenlisting:

PROS...

A guaranteed paycheck for the next 12 years

Retirement

Benefits like health insurance

CONS...

Deployments 

Not having a say about where we live or how long we live there

Being on military time

Never being able to establish a life somewhere

I'm stressed out. But I can't even come close to imagining how stressed out my husband it. Whatever decision he makes not only affects him, but his wife and kid as well. He carries that weight around with him and I feel terrible. 

I wish this was an easy decision. 

Leavin' on a jet plane!

For a very long time now, Hubby has been trying to get hired with a Police Department out here in California. Things didn't work out right away and he was forced to re-enlist for another 4 years. We had just gotten married and he chose four years of stable income instead of following his career dreams. For that, I am so very grateful! Well, fast forward 4 years, and we are coming to another crossing point. His contract is almost up and he is in line for two police jobs. One here and one in Maryland. Unfortunately, the job here is taking much longer to process than we thought it would and Hubby is literally DAYS away from having to decide if he wants to re-enlist AGAIN! This time, to make a 20 year career out of it.

Needless to say, the stress level in this house has been turned to eleven...

Tomorrow we head to the east coast for him to take a few more tests. It sounds as though the job is his as long as he passes these tests. That's good right?! Well, if any of you know me, you probably just imaged me kicking and screaming while being dragged through the airport. That's not the case though. I do have reservations about leaving and I am seriously terrified of having to pack up my 25 year life in California and head to a new place, but will it really be as bad as I imagine? The fight within me is unreal.

I'm terrified of change! Of course it would be nice to see another part of this country. Experience something new. And who knows...Maybe I will actually love it! It's having an open mind that's killing me. I don't want to go. I don't want to say good bye to my family and friends. I don't want to leave everything I have ever know. I don't want to give up my year round summer or the beautiful beaches. Today I wore a sundress...A FREAKIN SUNDRESS IN JANUARY, PEOPLE! How amazing is that?! And what if I hate it there? What if I am absolutely miserable??

I am really having a hard time with this...I just wish I wasn't made to feel bad about being uncertain. Which is why I am venting here...instead of out loud. Here I can get everything off my chest without interruptions. Without judgement.

Well, these bags aren't going to pack themselves! There's a good chance I'll be back to continue my rant. You're lucky you aren't in my head right now!

I HATE Square One

I promised myself I would document my "weight loss journey" and I guess part of that journey will be let downs...

I have been going at this for 2 whole weeks now. Two weeks of vitamins, two weeks of eating right, and two weeks of working out. Up until last night I felt great! I felt like I had more energy! I was actually excited to get on the elliptical every day. I felt a change that I haven't felt in a very long time. Until last night...I was happy with how things were going...

Well, last night I had my husband take my measurements. I was convinced that even though I didn't really SEE a difference in my body yet, the numbers would prove me wrong. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. While comparing numbers, I felt every ounce of motivation leave my body. One swift blow to the face...My measurements were exactly the same...

HOW COULD THAT BE?!?!

Two weeks of busting my ass and not a single thing to show for it!! Even just typing those words brings me to tears...

Mentally I am back to square one. And I guess technically, physically, I never left square one...

M.I.L.F Status ;)

Okay...maybe I'm not a milf YET...But I will be!!

Operation Hot Mama is in full effect!

As I mentioned before, part of my resolution was to get healthy. I used the word "healthy" for a reason. I don't just want to be skinny, I want to be fit! I want my outside to look and feel just as great as my inside! That means exercising AND eating right!

For the last two weeks or so, I have been on a supplement program to help jump start my body on the inside and get it cleaned out. In addition to that, I have been working out on our elliptical for 20 mins almost every day. I weighed myself, took measurements AND took "before" pictures on Day 1 but have not had a chance to take a new set of numbers since then. I must say, though, I do FEEL better! I still don't think I look like I have lost weight and I don't really see a difference in how my clothes fit yet but feeling great is just as important as looking great :) (especially when your self esteem is as low as mine...boo)

On top of my supplement program and my elliptical work outs, I started the Bikini Body Mommy Challenge (again). It is a 90 day program and all exercises are done in the home using mostly just your own body weight. 

Today was day 1...the Fit Test!

This is BY FAR the hardest part of the challenge. It is a series of 8 exercises in 8 minutes. You have to do as many of each as you can and you record your number. Throughout the 90 days, the Fit Test pops up a few more times, and each time you record your numbers and HOPEFULLY you've improved!

It doesn't seem difficult on paper, but holy mother of all that is holy....THIS KILLS ME!!!! By the end of the 8 minutes, I have just enough energy in me to make it to the toilet to throw up. I'm not sure why this happens to me, but every time I do this Fit Test, I end up with my face over the bowl. It is just that wicked! Luckily, the other days of the challenge are a little nicer :)

Here are my results....Don't laugh...

Speed Squats: 30

High Knees: 65

Push Ups: 20

Squat Jumps: 13

Tricep Dips: 12

Burpees: 8

Alternating Lunges: 30

Elbow Plank: 50seconds

Anyways, since today was the first day of this challenge, I will be taking a new set of measurement and pictures. I don't like doing it, but when I am complete with the full 90 days, I want to be able to see how far I've come :)

Yay for fitness!

Did I just say that?!

2014 Welcome back to blogging, Ashleigh!

It has been quite some time since my last post. Being a new mom has pretty much sucked up any free time I used to have! (not that I'm complaining!)

As part of my 2014 New Year Resolution, I decided to get back to blogging. I loved having a place to just spill my thoughts, big or small. Clear my head. Get it all down on paper...er...computer?

2014 is my year! I made a few resolutions for myself....

Number 1: Get healthy!! I've used being a new mom as an excuse for my weight for a year now, and I don't think anyone is buying it anymore! I don't have an excuse. Working out and eating right was just not something I was ready for yet. I was not in the right mind set and it didn't matter what I did, if my mind wasn't going to change, my body wasn't going to either. But the excuses are done with. I vow to be the healthiest version of myself! That means not only am I getting my body healthy, but my mid too!

Number 2: Control the controllables! This is something that my dad has said to me for years now. I just sort of brushed it off as "dad advice". But I have come to realize that it is THE BEST piece of advice I have ever been given. I spend too much time worrying about the "what ifs", the "maybes", and not enough time focusing on the positives I have sitting right in front of me.

Number 3: Just go with it! Stop wasting time being afraid! This is by far the hardest part of my resolution. I am afraid of a lot of things. Spiders, drowning, breaking a bone, snakes (okay, pretty much any creepy, crawly, hairy, slimy, non-domestic creature known to man), falling, dying...But above all, I am afraid of change. Any kind of change, big or small, scares the sh*t out of me! Why? I have absolutely NO IDEA!!!! I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what that change will do in my life. I like routine. I like structure. You would think after almost 6 years of living on Marine Corps time, I would be used to not knowing how anything will turn out, but I'm not. I need to stop being afraid, and just go with it!

And finally, Number 4: Be happy! This one may seem silly to some of you. You're probably thinking "Duh, why wouldn't you be happy?" Well, I am... I have a great husband who works his ASS off to keep this family together! I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. I have two dogs who keep me company every day and show me unconditional love even when I am at my breaking point. But most importantly, I have to most wonderful kid anyone could ask for! He is my whole world, my shining star, my reason to wake up every morning with a smile on my face and the reason I go to bed every night with that same beaming smile! He is my baby and I love him more than words could ever express. So this part of the resolution is not necessarily to "be happy" but to appreciate the happiness and express gratitude! Smile more, Ashleigh...You have a lot to smile about!

Okay, enough of my ramblings... It is time to get back into Mommy Mode, nap time is almost over!

Hello, 2014! I am ready for you!