It's been decided!......I think.....

Today I had a conversation with my husband and my dad about my future. Where do I want to be in a year? In five years? Ten??? Definitely not sitting at home on my ass watching TV and eating bon-bons...definitely not chasing around a dozen rug-rats with barely enough money to feed them all...So where do I want to be? What do I want to do?

For the longest time (Pretty much for a long as I can remember) I have wanted to be a neonatal nurse. Babies are my life!! Being a part of bringing them into this life and caring for them in their first few days would be AMAZING to say the least. As a kid, I had hundreds of baby dolls. As a teen, I had two younger sisters that I was a part of raising. But now, as an adult, the sunshine and rainbows of the job aren't quite as clear to me. Now I am realizing the downside too. What happens if a baby doesn't survive? What if I can't help?? There is no way I would be able to take the emotion out of my job. The first time I lost a child, I would lose myself too. No matter how much I try to convince myself that the good would out-weigh the bad, I still don't believe I can do it anymore...

So now what??

Well, I have talked a lot about being a kindergarten teacher. (Maybe even 1st-3rd) I would still be a part of those children's lives! I would still help mold!! Their future would still be in my hands but not quite like the way it would be in a nursing career. This sounds pretty much perfect for me! Getting to spend everyday with young kids, having summers and holidays off AND the pay isn't too bad either.

First things first...EDUCATION!!!! This is where I start to lose sight of things...I love school and not to sound cocky, but I am pretty smart too! However, paying for the schooling is going to kill me!! Why does applying for financial aid have to SUCK so badly?? I don't have any money, and I don't make any money...that should mean I can GET some money...But, noooooooo.....I guess I just have to take things one step at a time.

I must say, this is probably the best decision I have made thus far in my life. (Besides marrying my hubby ;p ) I am just praying that everything goes the way I am hoping it will and I will be one happy camper! YAY

The Tinman DOES have a heart!

Last night I was finally able to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with my husband. It felt unbelievable to get everything off my chest. I just kept telling him that this time is different...this time is scary. I support him 100% but he needs to be there in return to support me too.

He started with anger...Angry that I couldn't just get through this. That I was overreacting. That I was being over-emotional...But eventually, that anger turned into understanding.

When he is at work with other marines and friends, they tend to make light of the situation by using humor. Jokes to make a tragic situation seem just that much better. They play this "Tough Guy" role and forget that it is actually okay to be nervous. That is what us wives are for. We are here to let you know that we back you up everyday...We are here through thick and thin! But making jokes is only like taking a little dagger to our hearts...

He tries to be the tough guy whiles he's home. He thinks making jokes will make it easier on me. "Why do you feel the need to dwell on the negative?" he asks me. "We don't want to be reminded of the bad...You shouldn't either!"

As a woman, we like to analyze EVERY aspect of a situation...that's just how we work. We can't accept the good without knowing the bad, too. We don't want to imagine our man not coming back home to us, but at the same time, we don't want to hear that  you're invincible...that nothing will ever happen to you. That only makes us worry more. Worry that you aren't going into this seriously.

I am so proud of my husband and what he does. My husband...a Unites States Marine! Someone that SO many people look up to and support! I will be behind him no matter what.

So, after over an hour spent and a few tears shed (Okay, A LOT of tears shed) we finally came to an agreement...

I promise to not overwhelm him at work with the things I worry about via text message. I will wait until he is home to sit down and have an actual conversation.

And he promises to remove his "Marine Hat" while he is home and just be my husband...


To my husband, USMC SGT Nickolas A. Poole, I will love you forever!! Semper Fi <3

The monkey on my back...

Today is not a good day. This deployment is slowly creeping up on me and I am not ready. My husband shouldn't even be going this time!! Why is this happening??? I only have two months left to soak up as much of his love as possible. Everyday gets harder and harder. My husband comes home everyday with more and more gear and it feels like it is all being piled onto my shoulders.

Today is not a good day. Every time I walk by his stuff lined up in our living room, I cry. I have not had enough time to prepare for this! He shouldn't be going...We were told he wouldn't be going...I am trying to be supportive on the outside, but on the inside I just want to die...

I have been through one deployment already. You'd think it would be no problem. But this time is different...This time is scary...I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be alone. What would I do without him?? He likes to think he is invincible and that nothing could ever happen to him. He likes to make jokes and poke fun at the idea of this deployment, but every joke is another knife to the heart. This isn't funny to me...This isn't a joke. I try and talk to him about it but he doesn't want to have a serious conversation...he doesn't want to hear the possibilities...I feel like I am all alone in this...

I just need someone to talk to. Someone who can share their experiences with me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I can't fill my days with enough to get me through this...all I can do is cry...


Dear deployment,

I hate you!

Sincerely,
Ashleigh

The dreaded gym!

I woke up this morning feeling terrible. Partly because I spend everyday pretty much alone and partly because the reality of this upcoming deployment is starting to sink in...

I decided to take it out on the gym! What I didn't know was that the gym would, in turn, take it out on me! EVERYTHING HURTS!!! What a work out! Now, I just need to find the motivation to do this to myself everyday...Where does that come from??

We shall see what happens tomorrow I suppose! Wish me luck!!

Just a cup of tea

On Sunday February 13, I received a frantic call from my mother...My Grandad had a stroke and was taken to the hospital. I didn't know what to think or do, I was just in shock! The next day, I headed to the hospital with my sister to see him. Given the circumstances, he looked pretty good! He told us all how much he loved us and thanked us for taking the time to visit him. He joked around with us all like nothing had even happened! All he wanted was a cup of tea and would have given us anything we wanted just to get it! (He even told the nurses he would take them home with him just to have some tea) This seemed like such good news!

By Tuesday, he was considered stable enough to leave the ICU and be placed in a regular room of the hospital. Things were looking up! They decided they wanted to start physical therapy and get him moving. The stroke had left him unable to move his left side.

On Wednesday, they moved my Grandad to a rehab facility down the road from the hospital. Things started to head downhill...He didn't talk much and barely even acknowledged anyone that was there. The doctor was concerned that maybe he had suffered a second stoke and had him sent to the hospital for another CT scan. It came back the same as before, so they thought he must have just been over-worked, mentally and physically. He didn't do much for the next few days....It was rare to get him to notice you were there, and even more rare for him to respond to anything you were saying.

Sunday February 20 I received some good news!! My mom was sitting by his side and he opened his eyes and hugged her!!! We were all so excited to hear this, but just as soon as he was there, he was gone again.

Today, the doctors were concerned that my Grandad had a fever that they couldn't seem to get under control. They checked for blood clots in his legs but it came back negative. It seems as though he has now slipped into a coma.... They have set up another CT scan to see what is happening...

My family and myself have experienced this before with my uncle who was in a coma for 3 months. He came out of it, and although he is almost paralyzed, he still has his mind...This is giving us hope for my Grandad...Hope that he WILL make it through this! He is a fighter...

We love you more than anything, Grandad!! We are right here beside you until the end! Please keep him in your thoughts...we can use all the help we can get!

My favorite picture of us <3

There's a first time for everything

I have never been the blogging type...or even someone to keep a journal or diary. But I figure, what the hell...there's a first time for everything, right??

I have found myself experiencing many sleepless nights these days and I thought maybe being able to remove the random thoughts from my head would help. This won't be your cookie-cutter blog. I may not post something everyday. So, if you find yourself sitting in front of your computer screen awaiting my next entry...go grab some coffee...it could be a while!

The most I have ever shared are the random (sometimes) witty, one sentence posts I update my Facebook with. Just a quick little blip to let people know what's going on in my life that day...This will be better! Here I will be able to tell stories, share accomplishments and maybe even rant a little!

So, here goes! I guess the best way to start this would be to share a little something about myself...

My name is Ashleigh. I am 22 years old and married to the most wonderful man in the world! He is a Marine, and let me tell you, being a military wife is one of the hardest things I have EVER done!! We don't have children....unless you count our extremely spoiled doxie-pin puppy, Jaxson. He pretty much rules the house and I wouldn't have it any other way! I am not your typical girl. I don't  go get my nails done every week and I would rather dye my hair myself than spend money to get it done. My time is better spent with my little family!

I guess that's all you need to know...for now!

Hugs and kisses <3