Depression...anxiety...anger...
Just to name a few.
I put all of my time and energy into being a mom and wife. I spend every single second of my day making sure my family is happy and healthy, there's food on the table, the house is clean, there are clean clothes to wear, toys to play with.
Pick me up, mommy. Play cars, mommy. Come outside, mommy. I'm hungry, mommy.
And before anyone snaps back with "Well, this is the life you chose", I know! I know I did. I WANT to be a wife. I WANT to be a mom. And I love my life. I love my husband. I love my boys. More than I love anything in this world! But sometimes it really fuckin sucks.
I'm tired. Like, all the time. I'm in bed late after finally getting to clean up after the kids for the 4,000th time and getting Hubs ready for work the next day. And I'm up early with a baby who wakes before the sun for a feeding and a boy who can hear a pin drop. Heaven forbid anyone walks around the house, or showers, or breathes...he can hear it.
From the moment I lift my head from the pillow, to the moment I lay it back down, I am going. Full speed. Chasing two boys, walking a dog, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, picking up toys. So many toys! Breakfast, lunch dinner, snacks, milk...more milk! Crying, yelling, whining. Not a single moment of peace.
Sometimes it's just too much. And with absolutely no time left over for myself, I have reached my breaking point.
I snapped. I yelled. Like, the kind of yell that hurts your throat. The kind that reddens your face and sends smoke out your ears.
I knew the moment it happened that I had done wrong. I left the baby in the living room, sent the boy to his room and closed myself in my bathroom.
I cried. Big ugly tears. I was mad and frustrated and so ashamed of myself for what I did.
...
Moments later, the door opened. My three year old is standing there looking at me. I have mascara streaming down my face. I know I must look awful. I can't even look up at him. I'm so embarrassed.
He whispers "I love you, mommy....You look beautiful. I like your make up and your cool shirt."
"There will be so many times you feel like you've failed. But in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child...you are SuperMom!"
To you, sweet boy,
Thank you for loving me even when I don't love myself.
