Quit telling me you "Understand"

YOU DON'T!

I am sick and tired of people telling me that they "understand what I am going through". You don't, and never will, unless you get the unfortunate opportunity to live this life. Quit pitying me, quit telling me it will be okay, quit feeling sorry for me! You aren't helping. Not even a little bit.

I don't want to hear that I knew what I was getting myself in to. I know.

I don't want to be told to stop crying about it. When your husband leaves you for 7 months, you're allowed to cry!

I am tired of being invited places because "I should really get out of the house". Invite me because you want me to be there!

This weekend was the hardest yet. Memorial Day weekend...
Every news story is military, every Facebook post is military, everyone being all mushy gushy over their Marine. And what am I doing? Sitting in my bed wanting to die. Everything hurts. Especially my heart. You will never understand what it feels like to go to bed alone every night, you will never understand what it feels like to wake up alone every morning, you will never understand the sadness that overwhelms your every move because the person you love more than anything in the world is farther from you than you could ever imagine...My heart is broken and there isn't enough duct tape in the world to mend the pieces.

I hate this, and NO, you don't understand!

Life, Love and Books!

My husband is gone....
I keep telling myself this, but even after a few weeks with him being gone, it still doesn't feel real. I feel like one of these days I am going to wake up and he is going to be laying there right next to me. The last deployment was waayyy worse than this. I knew he was gone the day I dropped him off. I hated life and every day seemed to creep by. I didn't think I would survive those 7 months. This is different...Maybe because I know what to expect. "Been there, Done that!"
I feel like I actually know what I'm doing! I don't stay in bed and cry, I get up and go about my day. I understand that life goes on. I know that tomorrow will be a new day. A new day to be me!

I've gotten quite a bit done since he's been gone. Bills get paid, the apartment gets cleaned, dinner gets made....I've registered for school and applied to a few places for a part time job. (One of which is almost 100% certain!)

I have also made some progress on our wedding!! We had to change the date due to some weather concerns but I found the place we are going to have it! The next step is putting our deposit down and holding a date! I have never been so happy....I just want him to be home so we can have this wedding. Things are moving along. Life is good!

I love my husband more than life itself. He is my hero, my life, my love <3
I can't wait to have him back!

****

The other day I spent a huge chunk of my day getting the apartment spotless! I opened up a box and what do I find???

BOOOOKKKSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

So many that I haven't read yet! There is nothing greater than curling up on the couch to a good read!
Here are a few that I found:

If you need me, I'll be wrapped in a blanket, holding a glass of wine and nose deep in one of these treasures!! <3

It's a good day!

I feel so accomplished!!

It hasn't been long since the Mister left, and each day is hard in it's own way. Going to bed by yourself, waking up alone...Your whole life has to be re-adjusted!

I went grocery shopping the other day, and boy was that difficult!! Cooking for one, means shopping for one! How do you make a meal for one person? I have never had to do this before. Even while he was on this last deployment, I wasn't alone. Let's just say my first attempt at dinner for one, was a bust. I ended up having sooooo much left over! I will be eating tacos for another week!

I have started getting myself into a nice routine. Applied for a job, meeting with a school counselor this week...Things are looking up!

I was even able to lower our cable bill by about HALF! I am so proud of myself. Taking charge...saving money...

Oh, the life of a Marine Wife!

Missing that man so very much...<3

Stress- 1...Ashleigh- 0

Where is my husband when I need him?!

Oh yea....A whole different COUNTRY!!! Ughhhghghghg

As if a deployment isn't stressful enough, I feel like everything is falling apart. I have had horrible issues with my phone for a week now and stupid T-mobile doesn't even seem to care! Apparently they don't care that I have been a loyal customer since I was 16! Apparently they don't care that their product is a piece of crap! Apparently they don't care that because of them, their crappy phone, and their crappy service...I CAN'T TALK TO MY HUSBAND!!

Bitches...

To top it off, I am worried about this damn doctor appointment tomorrow...Please cross your fingers that everything comes back okay...


You win this time, Stress....But I will be back for round two, just you wait!

Just the sound of his voice

makes everything better!

I have been having some serious phone issues this week which stopped me from being able to receive incoming calls and emails...When your husband is deployed, this is extremely important!! I was afraid to leave the house in case he emailed me.

I got a couple emails from him while he was at the airport during a layover. It is nice just to be able to hear from him...Know that he's thinking of us just as much as we are thinking of him!

But last night was even better!! I had emailed him to tell him I finally got my phone fixed and at midnight last night, I got the call!!

Just getting to hear his voice was the greatest gift I could get! Granted, I was only half awake during the whole conversation...I am just so happy knowing he is safe. So happy that I could talk to him!

I love my husband more than anything in the world. These last few days have been HORRIBLE!! Missing him, sleeping alone, cooking for nobody...It is so hard...

I can't wait to hear from him again...HOPEFULLY SOON!!

Love you to the moon hunny! <3

Damn you radio!!!

Have you ever had one of those days where something happens to you and you see signs of it everywhere?

For example...
You buy a new car and the next day you see 20 of the same one driving around...
You find out your pregnant and EVERYONE you pass has a baby...
You're planning a wedding and every movie on TV has something to do with a wedding...
And you think, coincidence??? Would I have noticed this on any other day???

Well, this happened to me last night...NOT in a good way!

On my way home last night, EVERY SONG was about saying good-bye to a loved one. I just balled the whole drive. It didn't matter what station I was on, what type of music was playing, every time I switched stations another sad song was playing. I pretty much wanted to die!

But here's the kicker...it you have a heavy heart you may not want to push play...

Somebody up there HATES ME!!!

This is possibly the WORST song I have ever heard!!! Why he would want to sing something like this is beyond me. I just couldn't stop crying...I still can't stop crying.

Today is not better than yesterday. I don't have high hopes for tomorrow either...

You don't know

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every night, and hopes every morning for his safe return. 
I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home. 
I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me. 
You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him. 

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by. 
What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. 
I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for. 
I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. 
A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living. 

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a life time. 
You don't know that every time he leaves, part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me. 
You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady. 
You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea. 
What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation. 
You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played. 
I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside. 

I am one of those girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through. 
You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do. 
You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better. 
You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hands as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time. 
You don't know what that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is. 

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground. 
What you don't know is, that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know. 
You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one. 
I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful. 
What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing. 
I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Marine, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country.




***



I did not write this, however, it is everything that I am! This entry defines me better than I could have done myself. 


I don't like today...We had to drop off all of Nick's luggage. This is real...it is not a joke...it is going to happen whether I am ready or not.


A few deep breaths today...a lot of tears tomorrow...

It's the final count-down!!

Well, we know the day...The DREADED departure day...

It hit me like a ton of bricks! I am SOOOO not ready for this! Not matter what I say or do, this will not be easy. It will not be easy going to bed by myself. It will not be easy waking up by myself every morning. Who am I kidding? It will not be easy to wake up PERIOD!

These last few days are bitter sweet...We are trying our hardest to stay positive for each other and make the most out of the time we have left, but it is hard knowing what's coming.

I find myself asking these silly little questions: Did I look at him enough today? Did we get in as many kisses as possible? Did I tell him how much I love him? Did we share enough smiles?
All of these things need to last me 7 months!! Did I get enough? NO! Of course I didn't!! There will never be enough and this hurt will not go away...

I hate this...