I received an email from my cousin today that included this clip of my Grandad playing the piano. It isn't the greatest quality, but you can hear him singing in the background. I can see myself listening to this every morning to get my day started. I just wanted to share this with you! ENJOY!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
I deserve the world!
So why is everything falling to pieces!?!?
I feel like I am drowning. I can't breathe. For every one step forward, I'm forced 8 steps back. I have never felt so lost and out of control in my whole life. Why is this happening to me?! I used to have things so figured out! I used to know where I was going. I used to be HAPPY!
Where is that happiness now? I haven't felt it in quite some time...
There is too much on my plate and I'm too full to eat...School, a job, marriage, a wedding, deployment...I want a day off from life. Can I do that? Can I just take a break for one day?! Just a day to relax, take a breather, figure out WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING!!!!
I've fallen into a hole and I don't know when it happened. I just keep falling down...down...There's nobody there to catch me and eventually I am going to hit the ground, hard!
I have no help, no support. When is it going to be MY turn? When am I going to get what I want? What I NEED? Why can't anything go the way I want it? Why can't I get my head above the water?? WHY ISN'T ANYBODY HERE FOR ME???
I deserve so much better than this...I deserve the WORLD!
I am tired of the anxiety. I am tired of the depression. I am tired of the pain...
I feel like I am drowning. I can't breathe. For every one step forward, I'm forced 8 steps back. I have never felt so lost and out of control in my whole life. Why is this happening to me?! I used to have things so figured out! I used to know where I was going. I used to be HAPPY!
Where is that happiness now? I haven't felt it in quite some time...
There is too much on my plate and I'm too full to eat...School, a job, marriage, a wedding, deployment...I want a day off from life. Can I do that? Can I just take a break for one day?! Just a day to relax, take a breather, figure out WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING!!!!
I've fallen into a hole and I don't know when it happened. I just keep falling down...down...There's nobody there to catch me and eventually I am going to hit the ground, hard!
I have no help, no support. When is it going to be MY turn? When am I going to get what I want? What I NEED? Why can't anything go the way I want it? Why can't I get my head above the water?? WHY ISN'T ANYBODY HERE FOR ME???
I deserve so much better than this...I deserve the WORLD!
I am tired of the anxiety. I am tired of the depression. I am tired of the pain...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sudden death or dynamite?!
Today was the "Celebration of Life' Ceremony for my Grandad.
We were so busy all weekend preparing the food, cleaning and making sure everything would ready for today. I was sad when I woke up...I wasn't ready for this. This was supposed to be a happy day! But I just wasn't ready to say good-bye...
My mom put together a slide show that had pictures of Grandad with his friends and family. I watched it nearly a dozen times! It was just so nice to be able to see how happy he was all the time. I miss his smiling face. I miss his laughter. I miss his jokes.
So many people showed up! This made me happy, and it would have made him happy too. We all spent the afternoon shifting from group to group sharing stories of "How did you know him?" Everyone was in such a good mood. This is how Grandad would have wanted it. A PARTY!
My aunt wrote a nice speech, which of course brought everyone to tears. And my cousin in Brazil sent a speech of her own for her sister to read. Yes, MORE TEARS! It is hard to talk about someone you loved so much without crying. We all miss him so much. We miss his "Grandad-isms" as we like to call them. Things he would say that we could only link to him...Here are a few...
If you asked him if he wanted a cup of tea, he would answer with "Can a duck swim??" or "I'd like a cuppa."
When he would wake the kids in the morning he would throw open the blinds and say "Wakey wakey rise and shine, the sun'll scorch your bloody eyes out!"
When playing with us kids he would hold up his fists and threaten "Sudden death or dynamite?!" Either fist you chose would be limitless tickling and laughter.
And my favorite, his piano playing and singing! He was wonderful! I think above all things, I am going to miss hearing that piano in the morning. Completely effortless...the talent flowed through his fingers, onto the keys and filled the house!
At the end, we all wrote him notes on white balloons to be released into the sky. I hope he was able to get them all! I stood there watching until finally they were all completely out of sight.
I love and miss you so much, Grandad!
I think this time I'll choose dynamite! <3
We were so busy all weekend preparing the food, cleaning and making sure everything would ready for today. I was sad when I woke up...I wasn't ready for this. This was supposed to be a happy day! But I just wasn't ready to say good-bye...
My mom put together a slide show that had pictures of Grandad with his friends and family. I watched it nearly a dozen times! It was just so nice to be able to see how happy he was all the time. I miss his smiling face. I miss his laughter. I miss his jokes.
So many people showed up! This made me happy, and it would have made him happy too. We all spent the afternoon shifting from group to group sharing stories of "How did you know him?" Everyone was in such a good mood. This is how Grandad would have wanted it. A PARTY!
My aunt wrote a nice speech, which of course brought everyone to tears. And my cousin in Brazil sent a speech of her own for her sister to read. Yes, MORE TEARS! It is hard to talk about someone you loved so much without crying. We all miss him so much. We miss his "Grandad-isms" as we like to call them. Things he would say that we could only link to him...Here are a few...
If you asked him if he wanted a cup of tea, he would answer with "Can a duck swim??" or "I'd like a cuppa."
When he would wake the kids in the morning he would throw open the blinds and say "Wakey wakey rise and shine, the sun'll scorch your bloody eyes out!"
When playing with us kids he would hold up his fists and threaten "Sudden death or dynamite?!" Either fist you chose would be limitless tickling and laughter.
And my favorite, his piano playing and singing! He was wonderful! I think above all things, I am going to miss hearing that piano in the morning. Completely effortless...the talent flowed through his fingers, onto the keys and filled the house!
At the end, we all wrote him notes on white balloons to be released into the sky. I hope he was able to get them all! I stood there watching until finally they were all completely out of sight.
I love and miss you so much, Grandad!
I think this time I'll choose dynamite! <3
Friday, March 25, 2011
Trying to stay positive!
I have been trying to stay super positive lately but it is SO HARD to do when my hubby is so emotionless!
We have been going back and forth with this upcoming deployment. When he got into his accident in September, the surgeon told us he would never walk again. There was no way he would be going on the deployment. If you know my husband, you know information like that wasn't going to fly!! He kicked his own ass every single day to get up and around the house. He was recovering so quickly but the surgeon was still not convinced that he would be able to leave. Not only would it be a danger to himself, it would be a danger to his unit.
Months later, after NUMEROUS physical therapy appointments and nights in the gym, he started running. The surgeon told him he would have to run 3 miles (along with other movement tests) in order to be signed off as 'well enough to deploy'.
Yesterday was the deadline...
I am a good person, but there was a part of me that was gripping tight to the last little possibility that he wouldn't have to leave! Through this whole thing, I have been 100% supportive! I helped him when he needed it, I encouraged him to get moving, I praised him in his progress...What kind of person would I be if I left him alone through all of this??? That still doesn't make this any easier for me. Ask anyone, when they ask me how I feel about this whole thing, my response has been and always will be "I would sacrifice 8 months of my own sadness any day so that he won't have sadness for the rest of his life!" If he couldn't go on this deployment, it would be the end for him...He would have nothing left to look forward to! This has been all he's wanted since he joined the marine corps and I would never EVER want anything else for him! Knowing he is happy makes me happy too.
All I asked for was a little compassion when it came to the news he sprung on me! If I am supposed to keep a smiling face and pretend everything is okay FOR YOU, then you need to be able to understand what you need to do FOR ME!
He passed his exam yesterday and was signed off for this deployment. Instead of a heartfelt "I know this is hard for you to hear, but I will be leaving. Everything will be okay" I got "The surgeon paraded me around the office!!! He wants to write about me and my recovery in the medical journal!!!!!"
Way to make me feel like crap...
I was good though. I smiled and congratulated him...like I should! He deserves it after all of the hard work he has put into this! I am so proud of him and how fast he was able to recover. All I asked for was for him to come home and see how I was handling the news. To maybe talk things through with me so that I didn't feel completely alone in all of this. Did I get that though?? Of course not!!!
Instead I got yelled at for not being supportive enough, for being over emotional, and for only thinking about myself and what I needed instead of what he needed....awesome...
So, not only will I be alone for 8 months, but I will be in a SHIT mood until he leaves because GOD FORBID I GET EMOTIONAL!!!
We have been going back and forth with this upcoming deployment. When he got into his accident in September, the surgeon told us he would never walk again. There was no way he would be going on the deployment. If you know my husband, you know information like that wasn't going to fly!! He kicked his own ass every single day to get up and around the house. He was recovering so quickly but the surgeon was still not convinced that he would be able to leave. Not only would it be a danger to himself, it would be a danger to his unit.
Months later, after NUMEROUS physical therapy appointments and nights in the gym, he started running. The surgeon told him he would have to run 3 miles (along with other movement tests) in order to be signed off as 'well enough to deploy'.
Yesterday was the deadline...
I am a good person, but there was a part of me that was gripping tight to the last little possibility that he wouldn't have to leave! Through this whole thing, I have been 100% supportive! I helped him when he needed it, I encouraged him to get moving, I praised him in his progress...What kind of person would I be if I left him alone through all of this??? That still doesn't make this any easier for me. Ask anyone, when they ask me how I feel about this whole thing, my response has been and always will be "I would sacrifice 8 months of my own sadness any day so that he won't have sadness for the rest of his life!" If he couldn't go on this deployment, it would be the end for him...He would have nothing left to look forward to! This has been all he's wanted since he joined the marine corps and I would never EVER want anything else for him! Knowing he is happy makes me happy too.
All I asked for was a little compassion when it came to the news he sprung on me! If I am supposed to keep a smiling face and pretend everything is okay FOR YOU, then you need to be able to understand what you need to do FOR ME!
He passed his exam yesterday and was signed off for this deployment. Instead of a heartfelt "I know this is hard for you to hear, but I will be leaving. Everything will be okay" I got "The surgeon paraded me around the office!!! He wants to write about me and my recovery in the medical journal!!!!!"
Way to make me feel like crap...
I was good though. I smiled and congratulated him...like I should! He deserves it after all of the hard work he has put into this! I am so proud of him and how fast he was able to recover. All I asked for was for him to come home and see how I was handling the news. To maybe talk things through with me so that I didn't feel completely alone in all of this. Did I get that though?? Of course not!!!
Instead I got yelled at for not being supportive enough, for being over emotional, and for only thinking about myself and what I needed instead of what he needed....awesome...
So, not only will I be alone for 8 months, but I will be in a SHIT mood until he leaves because GOD FORBID I GET EMOTIONAL!!!
Monday, March 21, 2011
I hate my DR...
Okay, so hate is a strong word...but if there was something really really REALLY close to 'hate', that is what I feel for her!
I have been having a lot of joint pain lately...Usually, it is in my knees and back but lately, the pain has been more in my hips and my left shoulder. I had an appointment scheduled last week, but my dr's office is only ran by one lady. When she is out sick or busy, they cancel all the appointments and reschedule...DUMB! So, I was already irritated that I had to change my plans. When I went in today, I went through everything with the first nurse...
So you have pain?
Yes ma'am, it started in my knees which don't seem to be bothering me lately. My back was also hurting but now it is just in my hips and my left shoulder.
Did you have an injury or fall?
No, I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder MONTHS ago but nothing since.
You have thalassemia, does that affect you?
It used to, but now I take vitamins that replace the iron. I am not as tired and I don't get sick as often.
(Insert some boring story about some girl she knew that had thalassemia)
Do you think it could be arthritis? I don't know if I have any family history but the pain seems to be just in my joints.
The DR will let you know when she comes in.
Okay, thanks.
(I got to the dr office at 1:30, appt at 1:45, dr didn't come in until 2:20)
The doctor comes in and says...
So, you have pain?
(Seriously?????) Yes ma'am, it started in my knees which don't seem to be bothering me lately. My back was also hurting but now it is just in my hips and my left shoulder. They hurt so bad that I am losing sleep because I am constantly tossing and turning all night trying to get comfortable.
Did you have any injury or did you fall?
No, just a pinched nerve a few months ago, but nothing since.
Okay, stand here and move your arm like this, this and this.
(I do all motions, some with more pain than others.)
Okay, lie down so I can feel your hips.
(I do and mention it is only when I am on my side that it hurts)
OOOHHH, You have bursitis. I will give you an anti-inflammatory, we will send you for an x-ray of the shoulder so we can see what's wrong with that, and then we will send for a referral to start physical therapy. See my nurse at the front.
This all took about 3 minutes!!
The nurse gave me the prescription for my x-ray and sent me to the WRONG office 20 minutes out of my way!! All so that I could turn right around and go another 30 minutes in the other direction...She sent my meds to the WRONG pharmacy!! I waited in line for 15 minutes for them to tell me they were at a different pharmacy and another 15 minutes to actually get them when I got to the right pharmacy!!
I left my house at 12:45 and didn't get home until 5:00pm!!! Needless to say, I'm a little pissed off!
She barely even looked at me! I already called and left a message telling them all of the things they did wrong today...which I NEVER do! and I will be calling Tricare tomorrow to find out where I can go for a second opinion....stupid stupid STUPID!!!!
/rant
I have been having a lot of joint pain lately...Usually, it is in my knees and back but lately, the pain has been more in my hips and my left shoulder. I had an appointment scheduled last week, but my dr's office is only ran by one lady. When she is out sick or busy, they cancel all the appointments and reschedule...DUMB! So, I was already irritated that I had to change my plans. When I went in today, I went through everything with the first nurse...
So you have pain?
Yes ma'am, it started in my knees which don't seem to be bothering me lately. My back was also hurting but now it is just in my hips and my left shoulder.
Did you have an injury or fall?
No, I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder MONTHS ago but nothing since.
You have thalassemia, does that affect you?
It used to, but now I take vitamins that replace the iron. I am not as tired and I don't get sick as often.
(Insert some boring story about some girl she knew that had thalassemia)
Do you think it could be arthritis? I don't know if I have any family history but the pain seems to be just in my joints.
The DR will let you know when she comes in.
Okay, thanks.
(I got to the dr office at 1:30, appt at 1:45, dr didn't come in until 2:20)
The doctor comes in and says...
So, you have pain?
(Seriously?????) Yes ma'am, it started in my knees which don't seem to be bothering me lately. My back was also hurting but now it is just in my hips and my left shoulder. They hurt so bad that I am losing sleep because I am constantly tossing and turning all night trying to get comfortable.
Did you have any injury or did you fall?
No, just a pinched nerve a few months ago, but nothing since.
Okay, stand here and move your arm like this, this and this.
(I do all motions, some with more pain than others.)
Okay, lie down so I can feel your hips.
(I do and mention it is only when I am on my side that it hurts)
OOOHHH, You have bursitis. I will give you an anti-inflammatory, we will send you for an x-ray of the shoulder so we can see what's wrong with that, and then we will send for a referral to start physical therapy. See my nurse at the front.
This all took about 3 minutes!!
The nurse gave me the prescription for my x-ray and sent me to the WRONG office 20 minutes out of my way!! All so that I could turn right around and go another 30 minutes in the other direction...She sent my meds to the WRONG pharmacy!! I waited in line for 15 minutes for them to tell me they were at a different pharmacy and another 15 minutes to actually get them when I got to the right pharmacy!!
I left my house at 12:45 and didn't get home until 5:00pm!!! Needless to say, I'm a little pissed off!
She barely even looked at me! I already called and left a message telling them all of the things they did wrong today...which I NEVER do! and I will be calling Tricare tomorrow to find out where I can go for a second opinion....stupid stupid STUPID!!!!
/rant
Friday, March 18, 2011
GOOD NEWS!
As you all know, I had a meeting with the school counselor yesterday and I was a little skeptical. I didn't think I was going to be able to attend that school because they don't have a bachelor program but I went to the meeting anyways in hopes they could at least steer me in the right direction.
Turns out, I don't have to go ANYWHERE!! (Well, for another 2 years, anyways.) I can spend the first 2 years at this community college taking care of my general education classes for a lot less money and then transfer to a Cal State and only spend 2 more years there to get my bachelor's degree!!! So, regardless, this BA will only take me 4 years, like it should!
Can I get a "WOOOO HOOOOO" ????!!!!
I LOVE getting good news!
As of August 2011, I will be a college student (Again)! I can't wait. I already have my first semester of classes all planned out. Now, I just need to decide where I will transfer to...San Marcos? Fullerton? San Bernardino???? I just have to take a look at them all and see which one will be able to carry on my Major...either Child development or Liberal Studies...DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!
I can't even think about it right now...I like the view from Cloud 9!
Turns out, I don't have to go ANYWHERE!! (Well, for another 2 years, anyways.) I can spend the first 2 years at this community college taking care of my general education classes for a lot less money and then transfer to a Cal State and only spend 2 more years there to get my bachelor's degree!!! So, regardless, this BA will only take me 4 years, like it should!
Can I get a "WOOOO HOOOOO" ????!!!!
I LOVE getting good news!
As of August 2011, I will be a college student (Again)! I can't wait. I already have my first semester of classes all planned out. Now, I just need to decide where I will transfer to...San Marcos? Fullerton? San Bernardino???? I just have to take a look at them all and see which one will be able to carry on my Major...either Child development or Liberal Studies...DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!
I can't even think about it right now...I like the view from Cloud 9!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I could get used to this!
I am meeting with the counselor today to talk about school. Hopefully, they will be able to lay out the next four years for me. And, HOPEFULLY, it won't cost a ba-jillion dollars!!! School is so important right now. I really need to take care of myself for the future! I am looking to get a BA, possibly in sociology or psychology, and then get my teaching credential.
A little inspiration to start my day...
Yea, I could get used to this! I just love him to the moon!!
****
Yesterday went well....it was a group interview, which I have never done before. I feel like it went well though :) I won't hear back from them for 2 weeks to find out if I get a second, one on one, interview. I am so excited! I really hope to hear from them!
aannnddddddd
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!! (Maybe the luck of the Irish will rub off on me today)
A little inspiration to start my day...
Yea, I could get used to this! I just love him to the moon!!
****
Yesterday went well....it was a group interview, which I have never done before. I feel like it went well though :) I won't hear back from them for 2 weeks to find out if I get a second, one on one, interview. I am so excited! I really hope to hear from them!
aannnddddddd
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!! (Maybe the luck of the Irish will rub off on me today)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My interview...YIKES
Today is my interview. Although, this isn't a job I plan to keep for very long, I need something that will keep me busy while Nick is away. The income doesn't hurt either ;)
I was a little nervous when I woke up...It has been a little while since I have had to interview for anything!
That was until I got this...
I pretty much have the greatest husband on the face of this Earth!!! I don't know what I would do without him <3
Now, excuse me while I go kick this interview's a$$!!!
I was a little nervous when I woke up...It has been a little while since I have had to interview for anything!
That was until I got this...
I pretty much have the greatest husband on the face of this Earth!!! I don't know what I would do without him <3
Now, excuse me while I go kick this interview's a$$!!!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Goin' to the chapel and...
...we're gonna get RE-married!
I know it sounds silly to have a wedding after you're already married and even more silly to have a vow renewal ceremony after only 2 years of marriage...But we are not really your average couple!
I was finally able to get Nick to hammer out the details of this ceremony with me last night! I was under the impression we would have more of just a reception because of us already being married. He was not...
His comment was "If there's no wedding, the reception is pointless....we might as well just throw a huge-ass party!"
POINT TAKEN
So, we will instead, have more of a mock ceremony (A horse and pony show for everyone we jipped the first time around) and then have the reception. Just like an actual wedding...minus the legality of it! :)
Here comes the fun part...planning this whole thing while he's away! Yea, I'm going to need help!! The nice thing is that we are both very simple people...I don't need the major dress (As long as the one I DO wear is white and still girly and elegant without being a million dollars) and we don't really need crazy decorations everywhere...
Here is the start of our list:
Picking the date...sometime in January
Picking the place to have it
Getting everyone here to enjoy it!!
Food
Alcohol
Chairs/Tables/Linens
Centerpieces/Other decor
Potential DJ
Dress/suit
Agreeing on a wedding party/attire for them
Aaannnndddd the cake...I hate cake, soooo something we can get to look like a cake without actually being a cake ;p
That's pretty much it for now. The rest will all fall into place as the day gets closer. I AM SO EXCITED!! I have wanted this for so long :D
I know it sounds silly to have a wedding after you're already married and even more silly to have a vow renewal ceremony after only 2 years of marriage...But we are not really your average couple!
I was finally able to get Nick to hammer out the details of this ceremony with me last night! I was under the impression we would have more of just a reception because of us already being married. He was not...
His comment was "If there's no wedding, the reception is pointless....we might as well just throw a huge-ass party!"
POINT TAKEN
So, we will instead, have more of a mock ceremony (A horse and pony show for everyone we jipped the first time around) and then have the reception. Just like an actual wedding...minus the legality of it! :)
Here comes the fun part...planning this whole thing while he's away! Yea, I'm going to need help!! The nice thing is that we are both very simple people...I don't need the major dress (As long as the one I DO wear is white and still girly and elegant without being a million dollars) and we don't really need crazy decorations everywhere...
Here is the start of our list:
Picking the date...sometime in January
Picking the place to have it
Getting everyone here to enjoy it!!
Food
Alcohol
Chairs/Tables/Linens
Centerpieces/Other decor
Potential DJ
Dress/suit
Agreeing on a wedding party/attire for them
Aaannnndddd the cake...I hate cake, soooo something we can get to look like a cake without actually being a cake ;p
That's pretty much it for now. The rest will all fall into place as the day gets closer. I AM SO EXCITED!! I have wanted this for so long :D
Friday, March 11, 2011
Today is better...
Today is a better day. Being home with my hubby and the dog makes it so much easier! I am able to fall back into a regular routine to help clear my mind.
I just miss him so much! I had a dream about him last night. I was at their house and as I was leaving he gave me a big hug and kiss and wished me luck for my interview! My job interview that I just found out about yesterday!! He was there for me, letting me know that he knew and was proud of me. That he was going to be there to make sure everything goes well. Even though it was hard seeing him in my dream, it was SO nice knowing that he hasn't gone away. He will always be there for me and my family...like he always has been! I love you and miss you so much, Grandad!! <3 <3
This upcoming week is going to be crazy! I guess I need that right now, though.
Today I am going to the school to take an assessment test. This will determine what level of classes I will be taking. When I was in school a long time ago, I was placed really high. (Yea, Imma smarty :p) But now, I am worried that it has been so long, that I will be placed super low!! I am just hoping that through everything I've done, my brain has retained at least SOME of the information I need! Wish me luck!!
On Saturday, me and the Mister are spending a day together, going to the Rod Run and the Speedway! It is going to be so much fun!! Fun that I could really use right now! I love getting to spend time with him :)
I have a job interview early in the week...Crossing my fingers this comes through for me! This isn't something permanent, by any means. Just something to keep me busy during this deployment.
Then, later in the week, I have an appointment with the school counselor to map out the next 4 years of my life! I am really hoping this school can get me where I need to be! Otherwise, I have to keep looking. The nice thing is, the semester doesn't start until August, so I have plenty of time to get everything sorted out! I would just like to have everything taken care of before Nick leaves so that he is here to help me if I need it!
I am super excited that this is all playing out the way I want it to!
***On a COMPLETELY different topic***
I have been trying to talk to Nick about planning our wedding ceremony while he is away! I tried to do it last time he was gone, but was totally overwhelmed and decided to cancel. I am starting to realize that if I don't do it now, we will never have one! This is something VERY important to me!! Every girl dreams of having the perfect wedding...and even though we are already married, I would still love to have a ceremony for all of our friends and family. More of a celebration of our marriage, than and actual wedding...It is going to take a lot of work, though! AND I need to get my hubby on board with it again...eek...
I just miss him so much! I had a dream about him last night. I was at their house and as I was leaving he gave me a big hug and kiss and wished me luck for my interview! My job interview that I just found out about yesterday!! He was there for me, letting me know that he knew and was proud of me. That he was going to be there to make sure everything goes well. Even though it was hard seeing him in my dream, it was SO nice knowing that he hasn't gone away. He will always be there for me and my family...like he always has been! I love you and miss you so much, Grandad!! <3 <3
This upcoming week is going to be crazy! I guess I need that right now, though.
Today I am going to the school to take an assessment test. This will determine what level of classes I will be taking. When I was in school a long time ago, I was placed really high. (Yea, Imma smarty :p) But now, I am worried that it has been so long, that I will be placed super low!! I am just hoping that through everything I've done, my brain has retained at least SOME of the information I need! Wish me luck!!
On Saturday, me and the Mister are spending a day together, going to the Rod Run and the Speedway! It is going to be so much fun!! Fun that I could really use right now! I love getting to spend time with him :)
I have a job interview early in the week...Crossing my fingers this comes through for me! This isn't something permanent, by any means. Just something to keep me busy during this deployment.
Then, later in the week, I have an appointment with the school counselor to map out the next 4 years of my life! I am really hoping this school can get me where I need to be! Otherwise, I have to keep looking. The nice thing is, the semester doesn't start until August, so I have plenty of time to get everything sorted out! I would just like to have everything taken care of before Nick leaves so that he is here to help me if I need it!
I am super excited that this is all playing out the way I want it to!
***On a COMPLETELY different topic***
I have been trying to talk to Nick about planning our wedding ceremony while he is away! I tried to do it last time he was gone, but was totally overwhelmed and decided to cancel. I am starting to realize that if I don't do it now, we will never have one! This is something VERY important to me!! Every girl dreams of having the perfect wedding...and even though we are already married, I would still love to have a ceremony for all of our friends and family. More of a celebration of our marriage, than and actual wedding...It is going to take a lot of work, though! AND I need to get my hubby on board with it again...eek...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My angel in heaven
Today, March 8th 2011, at 11:51am, Heaven received another angel...MY angel! My Grandad has passed away. I didn't expect this, not yet anyway. I wasn't ready...I'm still not ready! So many tears...
This was his time...there is no more suffering...
No matter how many times I say it, it still doesn't seem real. But this was no way for him to live...He knew, as well as I did, that there was a better place for him. God has made room and taken one of the greatest men I have ever known! He will continue to look down upon us and continue to take care of us. He will always be my Grandad...my piano playing Angel on Earth.
I love you with all of my heart, Grandad! xoxoxo
Love, (Your favorite grandaughter) Ashleigh
On a lighter note...
Today, March 8th 2011, I took a shot with my grandma!!! This will now be a day to remember for TWO reasons!
I just love this family more than anything in the world!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
This was his time...there is no more suffering...
No matter how many times I say it, it still doesn't seem real. But this was no way for him to live...He knew, as well as I did, that there was a better place for him. God has made room and taken one of the greatest men I have ever known! He will continue to look down upon us and continue to take care of us. He will always be my Grandad...my piano playing Angel on Earth.
I love you with all of my heart, Grandad! xoxoxo
Love, (Your favorite grandaughter) Ashleigh
On a lighter note...
Today, March 8th 2011, I took a shot with my grandma!!! This will now be a day to remember for TWO reasons!
I just love this family more than anything in the world!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Want VS Need
I find myself saying "I want" waayyyy more than I say "I need". Which, I guess, could be a good thing. Maybe I have most of the things I NEED already...Maybe some of the things I want are some of the things I need too... This list should help me figure it out!
WANTS!
I want to go back to school.
I want to get another (Hopefully, good paying) job.
I want to go on a nice vacation with my hubby.
I want another pet.
I want to have children.
I want to buy a house.
I want to learn photography.
I want to get another tattoo.
I want to get my lip pierced.
I want to run a marathon...or at least try.
I want a backyard.
I want to travel.
I want to live in another state and not be terrified to actually move.
I want to teach.
I want to have a REAL wedding.
I want to wake up everyday and be proud of where I am!
NEEDS!
I need to go back to school.
I need another job.
I need to buy a house.
I need to get out of California and experience life!
I need to have children. (Yes, need.)
I need to get out of my comfort zone.
I need to find what makes me happy.
I NEED to wake up everyday and be proud of where I am!
Alright, alright...So, a lot of my wants are quite superficial. But that's what makes them "Wants", right? I am allowed to have things I want but don't necessarily need. Plus, some of my wants are also things that I feel like I need too...So, I guess I have things a little more figured out than I thought.
Sometimes, I just feel like there is a war inside myself. Each side has the right to stand up and fight, I just can't decide which side I want to be on. See, there's that "want" again...Should it be which side I "need" to be on??
This is where I get stuck...This is where I decide to sit idly by and watch both sides kill each other...This is what leaves me with nothing...
WANTS!
I want to go back to school.
I want to get another (Hopefully, good paying) job.
I want to go on a nice vacation with my hubby.
I want another pet.
I want to have children.
I want to buy a house.
I want to learn photography.
I want to get another tattoo.
I want to get my lip pierced.
I want to run a marathon...or at least try.
I want a backyard.
I want to travel.
I want to live in another state and not be terrified to actually move.
I want to teach.
I want to have a REAL wedding.
I want to wake up everyday and be proud of where I am!
NEEDS!
I need to go back to school.
I need another job.
I need to buy a house.
I need to get out of California and experience life!
I need to have children. (Yes, need.)
I need to get out of my comfort zone.
I need to find what makes me happy.
I NEED to wake up everyday and be proud of where I am!
Alright, alright...So, a lot of my wants are quite superficial. But that's what makes them "Wants", right? I am allowed to have things I want but don't necessarily need. Plus, some of my wants are also things that I feel like I need too...So, I guess I have things a little more figured out than I thought.
Sometimes, I just feel like there is a war inside myself. Each side has the right to stand up and fight, I just can't decide which side I want to be on. See, there's that "want" again...Should it be which side I "need" to be on??
This is where I get stuck...This is where I decide to sit idly by and watch both sides kill each other...This is what leaves me with nothing...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I hate waiting
I have been trying to get all this school stuff taken care of which is already a head ache in itself...but they are making me wait and wait and wait!
I HATE waiting!
I can't even speak to a counselor until the 17th!! I just need to talk to someone and find out what I need to be preparing myself for for the next 4 years. But no...sigh...
Good things come to those who wait, right? So maybe this is a good sign! I just need things so go in the right direction...This is one thing in my life right now that CAN'T go wrong!!
Keeping my fingers crossed!!
I HATE waiting!
I can't even speak to a counselor until the 17th!! I just need to talk to someone and find out what I need to be preparing myself for for the next 4 years. But no...sigh...
Good things come to those who wait, right? So maybe this is a good sign! I just need things so go in the right direction...This is one thing in my life right now that CAN'T go wrong!!
Keeping my fingers crossed!!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
March MADNESS
It has been a few days since my last post and A LOT has happened. I am going to take the time to create a few sequels to previous posts.
JUST A CUP OF TEA PART 2
Well, my grandpa has had fewer "Ups" these days. He still seems to be in a coma and the doctors are convinced there is nothing else they can do for him. They decided to let him go home with my grandma and be provided with round the clock care. My Grandma already has so much on her plate as it is...I am worried for her. I don't want her stretching herself too thin! We don't really know what will happen from here...We all just want him to come out of this so badly! I guess now, we just wait.
THE MONKEY ON MY BACK PART 2
My husband ran a whole mile all by himself!!!
I guess this deserves a little background information...In September, my husband was hit by a truck on his motorcycle. It broke his leg (low in his shin) and practically shattered his foot. Over the last five months he has gone through numerous surgeries, procedures and physical therapy appointments. He no longer has any hardware in his foot and was told that his foot will start giving as much as he is willing to take from it. Up until about a month ago, the idea of deployment was out of the question! How could he fight when he could barely walk? The surgeon gave him 3 weeks...within that time, my husband has has to run three miles in 30 minutes. If he can do this, the surgeon will sign him off as "Well enough to deploy" It has pretty much just been a waiting game.
Not anymore, because MY HUSBAND RAN A WHOLE MILE ALL BY HIMSELF!!
He has been so strong willed this whole time. He wouldn't listen when people told him he'd never walk. He KNEW he was going to get through this! He KNEW he would be able to get back on that Harley! He KNEW he would be able to deploy. As much as this all scares me, and yes a part of me wanted the recovery process to last a little longer, I am SO proud of him! He is such a fighter and knowing that makes me feel SO much better about him leaving. I know he won't give up...
IT'S BEEN DECIDED!...I THINK... PART 2
I've been going nuts with this whole school thing the past few days!! I talked to a guidance counselor at one of the schools to get as much information as possible. Basically, I am looking at anywhere between 4 and 6 years to get done with the schooling. YIKES! Not to mention the amount of money!
I am going to meet with another counselor at a different school on Thursday. I am hoping they will be able to sort of draw out an educational plan for me. Just to see EXACTLY what it is going to take. I won't know anything else until then...
As far as the money goes....Part time job, here I come!! I plan to work as hard as I can to get this done! I know this is the right decision...the right path....I just need to start walking!
Well, that's everything for now! <3
JUST A CUP OF TEA PART 2
Well, my grandpa has had fewer "Ups" these days. He still seems to be in a coma and the doctors are convinced there is nothing else they can do for him. They decided to let him go home with my grandma and be provided with round the clock care. My Grandma already has so much on her plate as it is...I am worried for her. I don't want her stretching herself too thin! We don't really know what will happen from here...We all just want him to come out of this so badly! I guess now, we just wait.
THE MONKEY ON MY BACK PART 2
My husband ran a whole mile all by himself!!!
I guess this deserves a little background information...In September, my husband was hit by a truck on his motorcycle. It broke his leg (low in his shin) and practically shattered his foot. Over the last five months he has gone through numerous surgeries, procedures and physical therapy appointments. He no longer has any hardware in his foot and was told that his foot will start giving as much as he is willing to take from it. Up until about a month ago, the idea of deployment was out of the question! How could he fight when he could barely walk? The surgeon gave him 3 weeks...within that time, my husband has has to run three miles in 30 minutes. If he can do this, the surgeon will sign him off as "Well enough to deploy" It has pretty much just been a waiting game.
Not anymore, because MY HUSBAND RAN A WHOLE MILE ALL BY HIMSELF!!
He has been so strong willed this whole time. He wouldn't listen when people told him he'd never walk. He KNEW he was going to get through this! He KNEW he would be able to get back on that Harley! He KNEW he would be able to deploy. As much as this all scares me, and yes a part of me wanted the recovery process to last a little longer, I am SO proud of him! He is such a fighter and knowing that makes me feel SO much better about him leaving. I know he won't give up...
IT'S BEEN DECIDED!...I THINK... PART 2
I've been going nuts with this whole school thing the past few days!! I talked to a guidance counselor at one of the schools to get as much information as possible. Basically, I am looking at anywhere between 4 and 6 years to get done with the schooling. YIKES! Not to mention the amount of money!
I am going to meet with another counselor at a different school on Thursday. I am hoping they will be able to sort of draw out an educational plan for me. Just to see EXACTLY what it is going to take. I won't know anything else until then...
As far as the money goes....Part time job, here I come!! I plan to work as hard as I can to get this done! I know this is the right decision...the right path....I just need to start walking!
Well, that's everything for now! <3
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