Today is the day I will be seeing my husband for the first time since he went on deployment 7 months ago...
Terrified is an understatement!
I am just praying that everything goes smoothly, that we get things sorted out, and that whether or not we stay together, I am happy.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
It's been far too long!
So much has happened in the last few months that I haven't had a single second to myself to get some thoughts out. Well, here I am.
As you know, in July I received an email from my husband telling me that he has lost feelings for me and that he doesn't think he wants to be married. Not a single reason why. He couldn't tell me why he felt this way or what he wanted to come of his decision. I tried for a month to convince him he was just confused, being so far away was messing with his head. I wanted so badly to pretend it never happened. I was willing to completely forget he ever said anything and move on. I tried for a month to get him to agree to work things out, and for a month I was ignored.
This is the scariest and hardest thing that has ever happened to me. There are no words to explain to you just how badly it hurts to have everything you love ripped away from you in an instant. His one rash decision has changed my whole world. He still gets up every morning, goes to work, goes to the gym, has dinner...I, on the other hand, have had to move out of my apartment, get a new job and take over a dozen new responsibilities (while still maintaining the old). I've had to remove my rings and pretend that what he did doesn't bother me anymore, when in all honesty, I am more shattered today than I was the day I received that email. This doesn't get easier.
It doesn't help that the man has since decided that on top of not loving me or wanting to be married, he also doesn't want kids, doesn't want to live in California and doesn't think he will ever change his mind...yippee for me, right? And did I mention that with all of these recent revelations, he wants to work things out?? How can one person be so screwed up?
How does he expect me to forgive him after what he's done? Almost FOUR MONTHS after telling me he wants a divorce, he's changed his mind. He swears he loves me and swears he wants to work things out and I'm just supposed to forget everything he's said and pick up where we left off...Uh, rigghhhttt....Oh, and he'll be home in a matter of weeks. This terrifies me...
As much as this whole situation has screwed me up, I have done a pretty good job of keeping my mind off things. My job is great and I am making a ton of money! I've been going to the gym. I get to hang out with my friends more. I just get to focus on me!
In September I celebrated my 23rd birthday...AHHHH!!! I was able to spend time with the people I love the most and it was simply amazing! Being 23 scares me though. I liked 22...I was married and in love and happy...23 is not as simple. 23 is grown up! I feel like this number is screaming at me, "What are you doing with your life???" Well, that's a good question that I don't have a simple answer for. What AM I doing with my life? For starters, I am going back to school. I refuse to hit 24 without some sort of direction. I want to start doing photography, like I had mentioned in a previous post. I want to take more trips, even if they're only for a day. I don't know where I will be by 24, but I DO know that I will be happy.
I have met a lot of new, wonderful people! Some who have really changed my outlook on things. I am doing more things I normally would have passed up on. I have the best friends in the whole wide world and they love me for who I am, no matter what! Without them, I would not be able to get through this.
Also, I'M GETTING A NEW TATTOO!!!! I have finally decided what I want and where I want it! I needed something that was going to remind me to stay positive. That I can and will get through anything that comes my way...A few more weeks in the gym to make things pretty and that tattoo will be mine! As soon as I get it, I'll post a picture :)
Off to bed for now. I promise not to be away for so long this time!
As you know, in July I received an email from my husband telling me that he has lost feelings for me and that he doesn't think he wants to be married. Not a single reason why. He couldn't tell me why he felt this way or what he wanted to come of his decision. I tried for a month to convince him he was just confused, being so far away was messing with his head. I wanted so badly to pretend it never happened. I was willing to completely forget he ever said anything and move on. I tried for a month to get him to agree to work things out, and for a month I was ignored.
This is the scariest and hardest thing that has ever happened to me. There are no words to explain to you just how badly it hurts to have everything you love ripped away from you in an instant. His one rash decision has changed my whole world. He still gets up every morning, goes to work, goes to the gym, has dinner...I, on the other hand, have had to move out of my apartment, get a new job and take over a dozen new responsibilities (while still maintaining the old). I've had to remove my rings and pretend that what he did doesn't bother me anymore, when in all honesty, I am more shattered today than I was the day I received that email. This doesn't get easier.
It doesn't help that the man has since decided that on top of not loving me or wanting to be married, he also doesn't want kids, doesn't want to live in California and doesn't think he will ever change his mind...yippee for me, right? And did I mention that with all of these recent revelations, he wants to work things out?? How can one person be so screwed up?
How does he expect me to forgive him after what he's done? Almost FOUR MONTHS after telling me he wants a divorce, he's changed his mind. He swears he loves me and swears he wants to work things out and I'm just supposed to forget everything he's said and pick up where we left off...Uh, rigghhhttt....Oh, and he'll be home in a matter of weeks. This terrifies me...
As much as this whole situation has screwed me up, I have done a pretty good job of keeping my mind off things. My job is great and I am making a ton of money! I've been going to the gym. I get to hang out with my friends more. I just get to focus on me!
In September I celebrated my 23rd birthday...AHHHH!!! I was able to spend time with the people I love the most and it was simply amazing! Being 23 scares me though. I liked 22...I was married and in love and happy...23 is not as simple. 23 is grown up! I feel like this number is screaming at me, "What are you doing with your life???" Well, that's a good question that I don't have a simple answer for. What AM I doing with my life? For starters, I am going back to school. I refuse to hit 24 without some sort of direction. I want to start doing photography, like I had mentioned in a previous post. I want to take more trips, even if they're only for a day. I don't know where I will be by 24, but I DO know that I will be happy.
I have met a lot of new, wonderful people! Some who have really changed my outlook on things. I am doing more things I normally would have passed up on. I have the best friends in the whole wide world and they love me for who I am, no matter what! Without them, I would not be able to get through this.
Also, I'M GETTING A NEW TATTOO!!!! I have finally decided what I want and where I want it! I needed something that was going to remind me to stay positive. That I can and will get through anything that comes my way...A few more weeks in the gym to make things pretty and that tattoo will be mine! As soon as I get it, I'll post a picture :)
Off to bed for now. I promise not to be away for so long this time!
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