If someone asked me to sum up this year into one word, I wouldn't be able to. Three words I could do. They would be What. The. F#*%.
This year has been the hardest one of my life. At least I'm pretty sure. Most of it has been a blur. But the parts I remember are pretty dang crappy if you ask me!
At the beginning of the year, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she was going to come up with one word that would define her year. She challenged her friends to do the same, so I did. My word was DETERMINED. I was determined to make 2016 the best year yet. The year of ME. The year that I could look back on and say, "Man, look at what I accomplished".
Now, health wise, I guess you could say I did a pretty good job at bettering myself. I started using AdvoCare products full time again, started a new workout program, and even started meal prepping. The combination of these three things has resulted in a 20 lb weight loss in about 10 months and I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in...physically... Mentally though, that's another story.
I am a wreck in my head. Like, I thought I was ON the struggle bus, but it turns out, I'm driving that sumbitch. And I don't have a license. And all four tires are flat. And it's out of gas. And did I mention it's on fire?
Yea. It's definitely on fire. And not like a "oh, just blow on it" fire. Like an "oh shit. save the women and children" kind of fire. A "we're all gonna die" kind of fire...
Do you get the picture yet?
k, good.
Every day is hard. It is hard to wake up. It's hard to be happy and engaged with my children who are up before the sun. I feel myself being angry even before I get out of bed. I'm starting each day on the wrong foot and I can't figure out why.
There is so much pressure on me to be the mom and the wife and the maid and the cook and the driver and the teacher...
My children are suffering because I can't get my shit together. My stress and my exhaustion is being taken out on them. I've got two wild and crazy boys. They are loud and rambunctious. They fight and scream. They are so stubborn. Oh my god, so stubborn! The whining and the tantrums. The talking back. It's all wearing on me. I feel my patience thinning. My fuse getting shorter and shorter by the day. By the hour. By the minute. I blow up at the smallest things. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to yell. I don't want to be angry anymore and I definitely don't want my children to continue to suffer because of how I'm feeling inside.
I feel awful when I yell. I don't like it. I don't like how it makes me feel and I don't want that to be how my children see me anymore. Because they deserve so much better than this.
I think a lot of this stems from this duty. So many people warned me about recruiting duty being the "Divorce Duty". That most marriages don't survive the full three years. And I can certainly see why. The first two years were tough, but manageable. I was still getting used to the town, and the people, and the job. I was busy trying to get settled so maybe I just didn't realize how stressful it was. But this year has been insane. Hubby is working almost every day. Long. Ass. Days. The boys hardly see him. I'm lucky enough to spend an hour each night with him while he shovels cold dinner into his mouth and shuffles through piles and piles of clean (unfolded) laundry looking for two socks that match. We might get one show in but by now it's 10pm and we're exhausted and realizing that another long day is knocking at the door. I can understand why a marriage wouldn't last. How do you stay married to someone you don't ever see? I always say that if I had to spend any quality time with my husband, I might realize I don't even like him that much. Of course it's a joke.
I am so proud of him and I appreciate how hard he works for us, but it is hard. Moving up here, away from our family and friends, has not been easy. Not even a little bit. It is just the two of us, and thanks to his job, its just pretty much me, trying to raise two small boys, maintain a house, cook, clean, and everything in between. I have no help. No babysitters. Nobody I can really turn to when I just can't keep up with the work load. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I am struggling to find my place here. I don't exactly feel like I belong here. I don't really feel needed here. The not feeling needed part. That one hurts the worst. I miss having people in my life who needed me as much as I needed them. I think this comes with the military. I've met some great girls here but it's hard to make friends when you, or they, could leave at any minute. I feel like so many military families keep a guard up. They don't get close to a lot of people so that it isn't hard to say good bye. But I'm not like that. And I will probably never be like that. I give everyone my heart. I want them to know that I will always be there for them no matter what happens or how far apart we may end up. I take them in as my family and would do anything for them. No questions asked.
...
I'm about to take a weird turn here...
Parents, you know how all day long you're like, please just let it be bed time so I don't kill my seedlings!!! And then bed time comes, and those little devils are sleeping so soundly and peacefully and you just want to squeeze the life out of them because you love them so much... but instead you just look at all the pictures you took of them all day. You forget about all the times you yelled and how mad they made you. Well, I just looked down at my mouse pad which happens to be a picture of my boys from over a year ago when D was just a teeny little sleeping nugget. His big brother had his arm wrapped around him and they held hands just long enough for me to snap a picture. It's my favorite picture of them. Excuse me while I go bawl my eyes out and wonder where my little babies went...
Hubby will hopefully be home soon so I better make it look like I haven't been crying all day!
ps. I decided not to even go back and read through this because I am sure it is a piecey mess of jumble, so it you've made it this far, you deserve a gold star! Welcome to my blog. It should be called "What the heck are you talking about?! by ashleigh"
