All aboard the Hot Mess Express!

2016... What can I say about this year?

If someone asked me to sum up this year into one word, I wouldn't be able to. Three words I could do. They would be What. The. F#*%.

This year has been the hardest one of my life. At least I'm pretty sure. Most of it has been a blur. But the parts I remember are pretty dang crappy if you ask me!

At the beginning of the year, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she was going to come up with one word that would define her year. She challenged her friends to do the same, so I did. My word was DETERMINED. I was determined to make 2016 the best year yet. The year of ME.  The year that I could look back on and say, "Man, look at what I accomplished".
Now, health wise, I guess you could say I did a pretty good job at bettering myself. I started using AdvoCare products full time again, started a new workout program, and even started meal prepping. The combination of these three things has resulted in a 20 lb weight loss in about 10 months and I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in...physically... Mentally though, that's another story.

I am a wreck in my head. Like, I thought I was ON the struggle bus, but it turns out, I'm driving that sumbitch. And I don't have a license. And all four tires are flat. And it's out of gas. And did I mention it's on fire?
Yea. It's definitely on fire. And not like a "oh, just blow on it" fire. Like an "oh shit. save the women and children" kind of fire. A "we're all gonna die" kind of fire...
Do you get the picture yet?
k, good.

Every day is hard. It is hard to wake up. It's hard to be happy and engaged with my children who are up before the sun. I feel myself being angry even before I get out of bed. I'm starting each day on the wrong foot and I can't figure out why.
There is so much pressure on me to be the mom and the wife and the maid and the cook and the driver and the teacher...

My children are suffering because I can't get my shit together. My stress and my exhaustion is being taken out on them. I've got two wild and crazy boys. They are loud and rambunctious. They fight and scream. They are so stubborn. Oh my god, so stubborn! The whining and the tantrums. The talking back. It's all wearing on me. I feel my patience thinning. My fuse getting shorter and shorter by the day. By the hour. By the minute. I blow up at the smallest things. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to yell. I don't want to be angry anymore and I definitely don't want my children to continue to suffer because of how I'm feeling inside.
I feel awful when I yell. I don't like it. I don't like how it makes me feel and I don't want that to be how my children see me anymore. Because they deserve so much better than this.

I think a lot of this stems from this duty. So many people warned me about recruiting duty being the "Divorce Duty". That most marriages don't survive the full three years. And I can certainly see why. The first two years were tough, but manageable. I was still getting used to the town, and the people, and the job. I was busy trying to get settled so maybe I just didn't realize how stressful it was. But this year has been insane. Hubby is working almost every day. Long. Ass. Days. The boys hardly see him. I'm lucky enough to spend an hour each night with him while he shovels cold dinner into his mouth and shuffles through piles and piles of clean (unfolded) laundry looking for two socks that match. We might get one show in but by now it's 10pm and we're exhausted and realizing that another long day is knocking at the door. I can understand why a marriage wouldn't last. How do you stay married to someone you don't ever see? I always say that if I had to spend any quality time with my husband, I might realize I don't even like him that much. Of course it's a joke.

I am so proud of him and I appreciate how hard he works for us, but it is hard. Moving up here, away from our family and friends, has not been easy. Not even a little bit. It is just the two of us, and thanks to his job, its just pretty much me, trying to raise two small boys, maintain a house, cook, clean, and everything in between. I have no help. No babysitters. Nobody I can really turn to when I just can't keep up with the work load. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I am struggling to find my place here. I don't exactly feel like I belong here. I don't really feel needed here. The not feeling needed part. That one hurts the worst. I miss having people in my life who needed me as much as I needed them. I think this comes with the military. I've met some great girls here but it's hard to make friends when you, or they, could leave at any minute. I feel like so many military families keep a guard up. They don't get close to a lot of people so that it isn't hard to say good bye. But I'm not like that. And I will probably never be like that. I give everyone my heart. I want them to know that I will always be there for them no matter what happens or how far apart we may end up. I take them in as my family and would do anything for them. No questions asked.

...

I'm about to take a weird turn here...
Parents, you know how all day long you're like, please just let it be bed time so I don't kill my seedlings!!! And then bed time comes, and those little devils are sleeping so soundly and peacefully and you just want to squeeze the life out of them because you love them so much... but instead you just look at all the pictures you took of them all day. You forget about all the times you yelled and how mad they made you. Well, I just looked down at my mouse pad which happens to be a picture of my boys from over a year ago when D was just a teeny little sleeping nugget. His big brother had his arm wrapped around him and they held hands just long enough for me to snap a picture. It's my favorite picture of them. Excuse me while I go bawl my eyes out and wonder where my little babies went...

Hubby will hopefully be home soon so I better make it look like I haven't been crying all day!


ps. I decided not to even go back and read through this because I am sure it is a piecey mess of jumble, so it you've made it this far, you deserve a gold star! Welcome to my blog. It should be called "What the heck are you talking about?! by ashleigh"

A moment of failure is only a moment.

I've been dealing with some dark stuff lately.
Depression...anxiety...anger...
Just to name a few.

I put all of my time and energy into being a mom and wife. I spend every single second of my day making sure my family is happy and healthy, there's food on the table, the house is clean, there are clean clothes to wear, toys to play with.
Pick me up, mommy. Play cars, mommy. Come outside, mommy. I'm hungry, mommy.

And before anyone snaps back with "Well, this is the life you chose", I know! I know I did. I WANT to be a wife. I WANT to be a mom. And I love my life. I love my husband. I love my boys. More than I love anything in this world! But sometimes it really fuckin sucks.

I'm tired. Like, all the time. I'm in bed late after finally getting to clean up after the kids for the 4,000th time and getting Hubs ready for work the next day. And I'm up early with a baby who wakes before the sun for a feeding and a boy who can hear a pin drop. Heaven forbid anyone walks around the house, or showers, or breathes...he can hear it.
From the moment I lift my head from the pillow, to the moment I lay it back down, I am going. Full speed. Chasing two boys, walking a dog, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, picking up toys. So many toys! Breakfast, lunch dinner, snacks, milk...more milk! Crying, yelling, whining. Not a single moment of peace.

Sometimes it's just too much. And with absolutely no time left over for myself, I have reached my breaking point.

I snapped. I yelled. Like, the kind of yell that hurts your throat. The kind that reddens your face and sends smoke out your ears.

I knew the moment it happened that I had done wrong. I left the baby in the living room, sent the boy to his room and closed myself in my bathroom.
I cried. Big ugly tears. I was mad and frustrated and so ashamed of myself for what I did.

...

Moments later, the door opened. My three year old is standing there looking at me. I have mascara streaming down my face. I know I must look awful. I can't even look up at him. I'm so embarrassed.
He whispers "I love you, mommy....You look beautiful. I like your make up and your cool shirt."



"There will be so many times you feel like you've failed. But in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child...you are SuperMom!"

To you, sweet boy,
Thank you for loving me even when I don't love myself.

*tap tap* Is this thing still on??

*brushes off the dust*

I think it's time to give the old blog a little lovin'!


It has been close to 3 million years since I last wrote a blog post. I got busy. I got lazy. I miss it though! I miss getting my thoughts out when things get all crazy and swirly in my head!

I've had a baby since my last post. A BABY! That means like, 9 months of pregnancy fatness and a whole 7 months of squishy babiness have happened since my last post!
Being a mother of two is pretty much as I expected. It's friggin crazy. There's this three year old who thinks he rules the roost. He's strong-willed and opinionated and hard-headed and smart...SO smart! He loves riding motorcycles and thinks he has super powers and he wants to be a robot when he grows up, so that's cool. And then there's the 7 month old... He is so much like his brother some days and other days I have to question whether they're even related! His laughter is infectious and his smile lights up a room. He thinks his big brother is the bees knees and I hope he always does.

I've got more gray hair now...and wrinkles... because let's be real, motherhood is no joke. The house always looks like a bomb went off no matter how many times I clean it a day. I don't sleep much. I have grown that second set of eyes mothers get so I can do dishes AND stop the kid from trying to pick up his little brother. I don't have a job, but boy do I work! I spend my entire day making sure those little boys are clean and fed and happy and that's okay. Watching them together these last 7 months has been the greatest thing on the planet and I wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything in the world!

I have started putting time aside for myself recently. It's not nearly enough, but it's a start. I came into 2016 with the goal to make this year the year of ME. I don't want to lose myself in the role of a mother because, while I am a mom, that's not the only thing that defines who I am. I am taking control of my health and wellness with the help of AdvoCare and am determined to finally lose that baby weight I never really got rid of after the first baby... (Hey, it happens!) I take full advantage of nap time to get in a good work out instead of lounging on the couch and channel surfing. This has made a huge difference in my stress levels. I find that I am much more patient with the boys and I am not totally snapping at my husband at the end of the day.

All in all, things have been pretty dang good and I am excited to see what this year has in store for me!

The secret to having it all, is knowing that you already do.

I really don't think I say it enough.

I am so grateful for this life.

I have an extremely hard working husband who does everything he can to support and provide for our little family. He goes to bed late every night just to get a little bit of family time in before another long day of work. He has continued his career in the military, and put his dreams to the side more times than I can count, just to keep a roof over his family's heads. I know that he is stressed out most days, but he is (usually) pretty good about not letting anyone know it. I don't know what we would do without this guy!

We have three AMAZING kids! Yes, two of them are covered in fur... but we love them just the same! Even on their worst days, I wouldn't even dream of trading them in! ;) G will be 2 in just a few short months and I can't believe it! He has grown so much and is so incredibly smart. Even smarter than me sometimes, I think! He is always learning something new and is constantly surprising me with what he is capable of. That little boy can put a smile on my face like no one else.

I get to be a stay at home mommy! Staying at home is by far the hardest job I have ever had. But in so many ways, it is also the most rewarding. I haven't missed out on a single thing in our child's life. Not one missed step...not a single word unheard. For that, I am extremely lucky. Of course there are days when I would sell my left arm just to finish a cup of coffee. Days when the laundry is coming out my ears. Days when I can't remember if I've showered....But I wouldn't trade a single one of those days knowing that I might miss out of watching my little guy grow up. There will always be chores left undone and I am okay with that because my baby will only be a baby for a short while.

I have turned my favorite hobby into a small business. I love photography! It brings me so much joy to know that I get paid to do something I love. No, I could not survive off of this income, and that's okay with me! I love being available for the people who cannot afford $300+ for a photo shoot. The people who are just like me. Who STILL don't have a family photo hanging on their wall because $300 just isn't in their budgets. I like knowing that my clients are happy. That I am providing them with a good deal. And at the end of the week, I get to take my little guy out for a special Mommy-Son lunch. THAT'S what I do this for.

I have the most amazing family! My parents and my in-laws are so fantastic. My life has certainly had its ups and downs...especially since becoming a military wife! Things are not always easy. I don't always have an answer. Sometimes I think I have a plan, but as my fellow military wives know, that plan is never guaranteed until the military says it is. (and even then...who knows!) Moving away from my family has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I miss them more and more each day that I am away. I hate not having them to lean on when I have had a hard day. I hate that G asks for them on a daily basis. It's hard...very hard.

My friends are no longer just friends...they are my chosen family. I only have a few, but they're all I need! One text can brighten my whole day. We can go days, even weeks, without talking and yet it's like no time has passed at all. They are my favorite people. They complete me.


The secret to having it all, is knowing that you already do. And boy do I have it all!

Feel all the emotionzzz!!!

So, Sunday marked my One Month-iversary! It is so crazy to think that it has already been a whole month since G and I flew up here.

Things have been going really well! I venture out here and there to check out new places and towns. I am definitely getting used to the area and what it has to offer. I even got to meet a few of the wives from Nick's work! Everyone has been super nice :) Actually, that's one of the things I like most about this area. Compared to Southern Ca, the people here are soooooo much nicer! People wave as they walk by, sometimes even strike up a conversation. I am ashamed to admit that I actually thought this was weird at first but this is how it SHOULD be! Heaven forbid we should be friendly with one another!

So what's new? I apologize but this may get ramble...y...?

I still don't have the house completely unpacked... tisk tisk! It is incredibly hard to get anything done with the little monster running around doing all the things I just told him 70 times not to. My chore time is squeezed into the hour (maybe two) that the kid naps. And even then, I am limited on what I can do based on noise level. IE no vacuuming, no dishes, no laundry, etc. The kid has bionic hearing!

Hubby and I got to go to our first Sacramento River Cats game the other night! A group of retired Marines treated the Recruiting crew to a suite filled with more food than we could possibly eat! We had a great time and it was super nice to have an adult night out. Lets just say, those have been EXTREMELY limited these days :(

I am hoping to get G into a daycare/preschool type program soon. This mama could definitely use some grown up interaction! I love that boy to death but if we don't get some separation soon, my head might explode! Even if it just means joining a gym and sticking him in the provided play room for an hour. Anything to get some "me time". I would also really love to get a job while we're here but daycare is ridiculously expensive. How do people afford it?!!?!?!?!? And how do I know I can even trust the person watching him?

My sister is coming to visit in 16 days! I am so beyond excited! I have really really been missing my family lately. I do like it here, but it is really hard being so far away. G talks about his aunts and grandparents nearly every day and no matter what I say to him, he just doesn't understand that we can't just go see them. We are so used to seeing my parents at least once a week so this month has been an emotional challenge.

Speaking of emotional... Where the heck do all these tears come from!? This last week especially I have been an emotional wreck! Even as I write this I feel my throat starting to get tight. This whole move has been pretty stressful, but I thought I was handling it really well! I am starting to think that my body/mind viewed this whole move as more of a vacation. Like "Hey! We're gonna go visit this new place and it will be exciting and fun and a new adventure and then you'll get to come home and go back to normal." I think the reality that this is not a vacation, that this is our new life and we actually live here, is settling in.
I'm stressed, I'm tired, and the kid is giving me such a hard time lately! I'm sure this is just as hard on him as it is on the rest of us but I could really use a break.

I think I need a beach day! Sun, sand, salty air...

Our new home!

G and I arrived at our new home on Sunday. Hubby had already set up the major necessities, i.e. living room furniture, our beds, daily kitchen needs, etc. That made things a little easier on me. It felt like home with all of my things waiting for me instead of walking into an empty shell of a house. I have been trying to get the rest of our things unpacked little by little. We have waayyyy too much crap for a family of three! How did that happen???

I'm liking this area so far. Although still California, I might as well be in a different state. Things are green here! GREEN! I have trees in my backyard...No, not palm trees. Big, leafy, shade giving, green trees! Birds live in them! This kid and the dogs are absolutely loving having a back yard. I must admit, I love it too. I don't have have everyone under my feet all day. When I need to get stuff done, I just send the pups out for some playtime and voila! It's amazing :)
Our house is very small. With that come good and bad things. The nice part is I don't have much to clean! The not so nice part is trying to find room for all of the previously mentioned crap we have accumulated over the years. I see a garage sale in our near future!

Anyways, I have compiled a Pros/Cons list based on what I have experienced in the last two days.

PROS:

Did I mention it's green here?
The weather has been beautiful.
Our neighborhood is very quiet.
There is a Starbucks within walking distance.
We have a kids park just around the corner from our house.
My cousin lives nearby.
Target, Walmart and Costco are all about 10 minutes away.
We're close to the city, but not too close.
We have a GIANT backyard!
Mail is delivered to our front door.
We're about 10 minutes from the water...hello fishing, swimming, relaxing family time!

CONS:

I have no idea where the F@#K I am going!!
Some of the nearby blocks/towns are ghetto-ish but I have no idea which ones.
The city has one way streets.
I need GPS just to get out of my neighborhood.
I need Yelp to find food, water, grocery....everything....
My family and friends now 8 1/2 hours away.
G asks for his grandparents every morning and it breaks my heart.
The speed limit is about 15mph less than in SoCal and I feel like a turtle.



I have a lot to get used to but I have an open mind and a positive mindset! I am excited to see what the next 3-ish years have in store for my little family :)

PS...If you want to come visit, we have an extra room and a VERY comfy blow up mattress.

A new city!

The day is quickly approaching!! The day that we get to find out where we are moving to!

I have known the date that we would find out since the very beginning of all of this but for some reason I didn't realize that it was right around the corner! In just 10 days, I will know where we will live for the next 3 years. I would appreciate any thoughts and prayers here...Please don't send me to the middle of nowhere!!! This CaliGirl needs sun, sand, and a Starbucks on every corner!

I am actually getting quite nervous to find out! This is a huge deal for me. I have never lived anywhere else before so the thought of moving away from everything I have known for the last 25 years is really freaking me out!

I'm also excited though! This will be a big change for our little family. A journey, as everyone keeps saying. We will get the opportunity to see a new part of the country and not everyone can say that! Some people go their whole lives without ever seeing what is past their front porch. Well, that won't be me anymore! A new city, new people. A chance to start fresh! And THAT is something I can look forward to!

In need of a confidence boost!

Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for this job. Being a mom, that is.

It's crazy to think that I have dreamed of being a mommy since I was a kid! But now that I am one, I am constantly trying to remind myself that I am good enough for this role. Why is it so freakin' hard?! How can I love someone so much when he spends 90% of his day driving me bonkers?! How do I keep my kid occupied AND stay on top of the chores? How do I make him happy? How do I make Hubby happy? How do I make MYSELF happy??

And when did being a Mom become such a Goddamn competition?! If I could change one thing about motherhood, it would be all the competitive, petty, bullshit that happens on the regular! If you don't want to know or see what my child is doing, or if you're going to have a negative opinion about it, then you can kick rocks. I didn't ask for your opinion, I don't care what you think, and I don't need to know that you think your child is more advanced than mine. I think my kid is pretty amazing and that's all that matters! I happen to worship the ground he walks on. I happen to be pretty proud of everything he has accomplished in the last 16 months!

Why do people feel it's necessary to constantly belittle one another? I would NEVER talk badly about a child. Nor would I ever talk badly about the person raising that child! Nobody knows my baby like his dad and I do. And I don't pretend to know your child better than you do. I will continue to raise my son the best way that I know how and if I think I need your assistance, I will ask for it. Don't make me feel bad if my choices are not the same as yours. As Mothers, and one of the biggest influences in our kid's lives, we should BE THERE for one another. LIFT each other when we're feeling down. PRAISE accomplishments!

I tend to get lost in this toxic crowd. Unable to plot my escape. I fall victim to the harsh words. I start to believe that what I'm doing isn't enough. That I am not enough...

Sometimes my house is a mess. Sometimes the dishes pile up. Sometimes we call for pizza when cooking dinner seems next to impossible. Sometimes I choose to curl my hair instead of vacuuming because I just need that little pick me up to keep myself going that day.

I may not have the cleanest house, or the most organized lifestyle, but my baby is fed, he's bathed, he's taught, played with...and dare I say it? HAPPY! And those little smiles...those sweet hugs and kisses throughout the day... THOSE are the things that let me know that what I am doing is totally worth it. That I mean something major to another human being. I am his Mom and he is my baby. There is no greater love. There is no greater job. And Motherhood is DEFINITELY a job I'm cut out for.

Busy bee!

I feel like time is zooming past and standing still at the same time. Is that possible?!

When I say that we're moving in June, I feel like that is SOOO far away! But when I say we are moving in exactly 3 months... Well, that seems right around the corner!

Although my stress level is waayyy down after finding a buyer for the house, I still have an outrageous amount of anxiety because I still have NO idea where we are going to be living. That seriously scares the living Hell out of me! I want to plan! I want to research! THIS IS KILLING MEEEEE!

I'm going to be a busy bee next month. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to book my weekends solid with photo shoots. While that's good for the pocket, it's not good for getting this house packed up! Whoops ;)

I did go get boxes and those weird vacuum bags you put blankets and pillows in though! That's a start. I have created a goal for myself to get one box packed up each day. That sounds easy, but with the kid and the dogs taking up all my time and energy, this could be a tough goal to fulfill!

One step at a time, Ashleigh. One step at a time!

Now, since my whole house fell asleep before the sun went down, I should really put my time to use! Buuuttttt..... that Malibu in the fridge is really calling my name. ;D

I'm a Marine Wife for a little longer.

So much has changed in the last month. I don't even know where to start!

In my last post I talked about us trying to make a decision to either take a police job in MD or try and stay in Ca. Well, we made a decision but it wasn't what we (or anyone else for that matter) were expecting!

Hubby accepted Recruiting Duty orders. This means we're in it for another 3-4 years and will probably end up continuing on in the Military until he retires. Overall this was the best decision for our little family. It is a guaranteed paycheck and great benefits. Something we weren't sure we would have if we waited for an answer from the police departments.

We're both a little sad that Nick's CHP dreams are put on hold, but after talking about it over and over, it just didn't seem smart to keep waiting for them to make a decision. We were also very concerned about his foot and leg, and how long they would last with how much stress a police job would put on them.

I'm trying to stay positive through all of this. But let me tell ya, it ain't easy! We have been CRAZY BUSY the last few weeks getting our house "Sell Worthy". We scrubbed this place top to bottom, wall to wall! The day we put it up for sale, we had three people come look at it! The first week was quite a whirl wind! After just a week and a half, we had three offers and ended up accepting one just a few days ago. Knowing that we have a buyer has definitely taken a weight off of my shoulders. But that's just one piece of the puzzle.

The hardest part of all this, is not knowing where we will move to. We could literally go anywhere in the US! (You could totally say a little prayer that we end up in NorCal...if you want.) I really want to be able to research where we will live. I want to know where the schools are, the stores, how close a park is, what the houses look like...but I can't do any of that! It is so frustrating. I can't prepare at all!

Anyways...Just wanted to throw a little update out there! Not sure how much I will be able to get on here in the next few months. My time will be spent getting this house all packed up and ready to go! :)

Being a grown up is hard work!

The last few days have been CRAZY! My little family is here in New Jersey visiting with some of Hubby's family. We have also been traveling to maryland for him to take a few police tests. The good news is he passed them all! I am so proud of him! The hard part is now having to decide what we are going to do. Pack up our lives and accept a job on the east coast, or have him reenlist and go another twelve years with him in the military. 

Both decisions have their good and bad points...

Taking the Maryland job:

PROS...

Experiencing another part of the country

Getting out of the military

Hubby getting to be close to his family

G getting to be around his other grandparents more

Experiencing more than one season

Meeting new people

CONS...

Moving away from my family and friends

Having to suffer through a snowy winter season

The uncertainty of what life will be like taking this job

Not making as much money

Potentially having G in daycare so I can work

Reenlisting:

PROS...

A guaranteed paycheck for the next 12 years

Retirement

Benefits like health insurance

CONS...

Deployments 

Not having a say about where we live or how long we live there

Being on military time

Never being able to establish a life somewhere

I'm stressed out. But I can't even come close to imagining how stressed out my husband it. Whatever decision he makes not only affects him, but his wife and kid as well. He carries that weight around with him and I feel terrible. 

I wish this was an easy decision. 

Leavin' on a jet plane!

For a very long time now, Hubby has been trying to get hired with a Police Department out here in California. Things didn't work out right away and he was forced to re-enlist for another 4 years. We had just gotten married and he chose four years of stable income instead of following his career dreams. For that, I am so very grateful! Well, fast forward 4 years, and we are coming to another crossing point. His contract is almost up and he is in line for two police jobs. One here and one in Maryland. Unfortunately, the job here is taking much longer to process than we thought it would and Hubby is literally DAYS away from having to decide if he wants to re-enlist AGAIN! This time, to make a 20 year career out of it.

Needless to say, the stress level in this house has been turned to eleven...

Tomorrow we head to the east coast for him to take a few more tests. It sounds as though the job is his as long as he passes these tests. That's good right?! Well, if any of you know me, you probably just imaged me kicking and screaming while being dragged through the airport. That's not the case though. I do have reservations about leaving and I am seriously terrified of having to pack up my 25 year life in California and head to a new place, but will it really be as bad as I imagine? The fight within me is unreal.

I'm terrified of change! Of course it would be nice to see another part of this country. Experience something new. And who knows...Maybe I will actually love it! It's having an open mind that's killing me. I don't want to go. I don't want to say good bye to my family and friends. I don't want to leave everything I have ever know. I don't want to give up my year round summer or the beautiful beaches. Today I wore a sundress...A FREAKIN SUNDRESS IN JANUARY, PEOPLE! How amazing is that?! And what if I hate it there? What if I am absolutely miserable??

I am really having a hard time with this...I just wish I wasn't made to feel bad about being uncertain. Which is why I am venting here...instead of out loud. Here I can get everything off my chest without interruptions. Without judgement.

Well, these bags aren't going to pack themselves! There's a good chance I'll be back to continue my rant. You're lucky you aren't in my head right now!

I HATE Square One

I promised myself I would document my "weight loss journey" and I guess part of that journey will be let downs...

I have been going at this for 2 whole weeks now. Two weeks of vitamins, two weeks of eating right, and two weeks of working out. Up until last night I felt great! I felt like I had more energy! I was actually excited to get on the elliptical every day. I felt a change that I haven't felt in a very long time. Until last night...I was happy with how things were going...

Well, last night I had my husband take my measurements. I was convinced that even though I didn't really SEE a difference in my body yet, the numbers would prove me wrong. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. While comparing numbers, I felt every ounce of motivation leave my body. One swift blow to the face...My measurements were exactly the same...

HOW COULD THAT BE?!?!

Two weeks of busting my ass and not a single thing to show for it!! Even just typing those words brings me to tears...

Mentally I am back to square one. And I guess technically, physically, I never left square one...

M.I.L.F Status ;)

Okay...maybe I'm not a milf YET...But I will be!!

Operation Hot Mama is in full effect!

As I mentioned before, part of my resolution was to get healthy. I used the word "healthy" for a reason. I don't just want to be skinny, I want to be fit! I want my outside to look and feel just as great as my inside! That means exercising AND eating right!

For the last two weeks or so, I have been on a supplement program to help jump start my body on the inside and get it cleaned out. In addition to that, I have been working out on our elliptical for 20 mins almost every day. I weighed myself, took measurements AND took "before" pictures on Day 1 but have not had a chance to take a new set of numbers since then. I must say, though, I do FEEL better! I still don't think I look like I have lost weight and I don't really see a difference in how my clothes fit yet but feeling great is just as important as looking great :) (especially when your self esteem is as low as mine...boo)

On top of my supplement program and my elliptical work outs, I started the Bikini Body Mommy Challenge (again). It is a 90 day program and all exercises are done in the home using mostly just your own body weight. 

Today was day 1...the Fit Test!

This is BY FAR the hardest part of the challenge. It is a series of 8 exercises in 8 minutes. You have to do as many of each as you can and you record your number. Throughout the 90 days, the Fit Test pops up a few more times, and each time you record your numbers and HOPEFULLY you've improved!

It doesn't seem difficult on paper, but holy mother of all that is holy....THIS KILLS ME!!!! By the end of the 8 minutes, I have just enough energy in me to make it to the toilet to throw up. I'm not sure why this happens to me, but every time I do this Fit Test, I end up with my face over the bowl. It is just that wicked! Luckily, the other days of the challenge are a little nicer :)

Here are my results....Don't laugh...

Speed Squats: 30

High Knees: 65

Push Ups: 20

Squat Jumps: 13

Tricep Dips: 12

Burpees: 8

Alternating Lunges: 30

Elbow Plank: 50seconds

Anyways, since today was the first day of this challenge, I will be taking a new set of measurement and pictures. I don't like doing it, but when I am complete with the full 90 days, I want to be able to see how far I've come :)

Yay for fitness!

Did I just say that?!

2014 Welcome back to blogging, Ashleigh!

It has been quite some time since my last post. Being a new mom has pretty much sucked up any free time I used to have! (not that I'm complaining!)

As part of my 2014 New Year Resolution, I decided to get back to blogging. I loved having a place to just spill my thoughts, big or small. Clear my head. Get it all down on paper...er...computer?

2014 is my year! I made a few resolutions for myself....

Number 1: Get healthy!! I've used being a new mom as an excuse for my weight for a year now, and I don't think anyone is buying it anymore! I don't have an excuse. Working out and eating right was just not something I was ready for yet. I was not in the right mind set and it didn't matter what I did, if my mind wasn't going to change, my body wasn't going to either. But the excuses are done with. I vow to be the healthiest version of myself! That means not only am I getting my body healthy, but my mid too!

Number 2: Control the controllables! This is something that my dad has said to me for years now. I just sort of brushed it off as "dad advice". But I have come to realize that it is THE BEST piece of advice I have ever been given. I spend too much time worrying about the "what ifs", the "maybes", and not enough time focusing on the positives I have sitting right in front of me.

Number 3: Just go with it! Stop wasting time being afraid! This is by far the hardest part of my resolution. I am afraid of a lot of things. Spiders, drowning, breaking a bone, snakes (okay, pretty much any creepy, crawly, hairy, slimy, non-domestic creature known to man), falling, dying...But above all, I am afraid of change. Any kind of change, big or small, scares the sh*t out of me! Why? I have absolutely NO IDEA!!!! I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what that change will do in my life. I like routine. I like structure. You would think after almost 6 years of living on Marine Corps time, I would be used to not knowing how anything will turn out, but I'm not. I need to stop being afraid, and just go with it!

And finally, Number 4: Be happy! This one may seem silly to some of you. You're probably thinking "Duh, why wouldn't you be happy?" Well, I am... I have a great husband who works his ASS off to keep this family together! I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. I have two dogs who keep me company every day and show me unconditional love even when I am at my breaking point. But most importantly, I have to most wonderful kid anyone could ask for! He is my whole world, my shining star, my reason to wake up every morning with a smile on my face and the reason I go to bed every night with that same beaming smile! He is my baby and I love him more than words could ever express. So this part of the resolution is not necessarily to "be happy" but to appreciate the happiness and express gratitude! Smile more, Ashleigh...You have a lot to smile about!

Okay, enough of my ramblings... It is time to get back into Mommy Mode, nap time is almost over!

Hello, 2014! I am ready for you!

3rd Trimester Catch Up and LOTS of Pictures!

Well, I am a little late on this post, but we have reached the third trimester!! Yes, it officially started about a month ago but we have just been so busy I didn't have the time to write.

Things have been great! We had our baby shower and everything went off without a hitch! It was a western/cowboy theme just like the baby's room. It was so nice having everyone there and Baby made out like a bandit! He is one spoiled little munchkin. The days leading up to the shower were a little crazy. We were so busy trying to get food and decorations taken care of, but by the time it came, there were no problems to speak of! Everyone had a great time and a full belly :)

We currently have this hanging on Baby's door.

The Hubby and me <3

Four generations...The peanut is the only boy!

The AMAZING diaper cake my mom made!

The next weekend after the shower, we went in for a 3d/4d ultrasound. Hubby, my mom, dad, two sisters and my BFF were all able to make it! IT WAS FANTASTIC! I couldn't believe how clear the images were and how big he has gotten. He has the cutest cheeks and we are almost positive that he has Hubby's dimple chin. The technician was also able to see that he has some hair! We can't wait to see how much or what color it will be! He was being a little shy. We have learned over the last few months that he does not like things touching mama's belly! He tends to move himself away from whatever it is. So while she was trying to get some pictures he was turning his head away. We were still able to get some awesome shots! We were also informed that he was sucking on his umbilical cord nearly the whole time. It was hard for us to tell, but we could see his mouth moving. GROSS! haha We cannot wait for this little guy to get here!!!

Just look at that face! So in love with him already!! 

I call this his "Grump Face". He kept furrowing his brow.

See those little spikes?! That's his hair!

Thanks to a few of my besties, we were able to take some really cute maternity pictures! We saved up for a fancy new camera when we found out we were pregnant because we knew we would be taking wayyyy too many pictures. I'm glad we did, it came in super handy for the maternity pictures. And thanks to some posing research we did, it looked like we actually knew what we were doing! I edited the pictures on my computer and had them enlarged and printed them at the store. SO much cheaper than hiring a professional. I think we did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself! :)

Tried getting Baby's cowboy boot in some of them.

We found such a beautiful open space.

I just love that we were able to get Jaxson in a few!

This is one of my favorites!!

To follow up on some good news from my last post...WE GOT THE HOUSE! Everything is all moved in, we have just been taking things a day at a time trying to finish up some of the smaller stuff. We were able to paint the baby's room and get his furniture put together. His room is almost done! I have been working on his name letters to go above his crib and I am almost finished! Everyone has been dying to know his name but neither one of us has slipped...yet! It gets hard because we are so excited about it, but we have waited this long already...Hopefully we're able to make it to the end! I will post pictures of his room once it's all done...same with the house. All I have are pictures of it completely empty haha It is slowly coming together though. We even have some pictures on the walls! We were never able to hang anything in our apartment because they made you pay for any holes in the walls. Well, guess what stupid apartment! We own this house and we are putting as many holes in the walls as we want! So suck it! :) I just can't wait until everything is completely done. It is a lot of work and being 7 months pregnant does not make it any easier. I have been doing way too much and keep getting yelled at by my DR and the Hubs. I'm not very good at sitting still and when I see all of the work that still needs to be done, I can't just sit back and watch everyone else. I do need to start listening to them though. My back is killing me and I definitely don't want to put myself into premature labor! That wouldn't be good for me OR Baby!

As of yesterday, we have exactly two months until my due date! I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by! Luckily, we are pretty close to being all ready for him. Just a few more small purchases and getting our hospital bags put together. I am getting very anxious. The fact that I am extremely large and uncomfortable isn't helping. Part of me just wants him out so I can have my body back, the other part would leave him in there a few extra months so we have a little more time to prepare mentally. It is hard to think that in just two months there will be a little person around here...one that we created! We're nervous about how the dog will react. He is currently the baby in the house and pretty much gets everything he wants. Our attention is always focused on him, and when this baby comes, that will change. I just hope that we can still give him the love and attention he needs. If we can't, I know a lot of our friends and family will. Everyone loves our little Jaxson Pup! It's hard not to! Let's just hope this baby loves him too. They are brothers, after all! ;)

As I have been typing all this out, it scares me to realize that all of this has happened in only a month! ONE MONTH!

Excited to see what the next two have in store for us!

Warning: Emotional pregnant lady explodes in 3...2...

I must say that for the majority of this pregnancy, the hormonal break-downs have been minimal. I feel as though my hormones, instead of making me cry and act a fool, have gone in the other direction. I find myself fall down laughing at least once a day! The smallest things just tickle that funny bone and once I start laughing, there is no turning back!

That being said, there has definitely been a lot going on lately and I am feeling quite overwhelmed. Our baby shower is quickly approaching and tons of preparations have been made. Decorations have been purchased, game gifts have been made, and people are little by little RSVPing. No matter how much we get done, though, there always seems to be 100 more things to do! It is never ending!!

We FINALLY purchased Baby's furniture! It wasn't easy, but I am so relieved! The crib, dresser, changer and mattress...Everything has been delivered and is just waiting to be assembled. We are also receiving other gifts from family who, unfortunately, won't be able to join us at the shower. The stroller and car seat have been two large purchases that we are extremely grateful for!

BIG NEWS! For the last month or so, we have been trying to buy a house. We put an offer in and it was accepted by the seller. That part was easy, but we had to get the property appraised and it took waayyyyy too long! It was supposed to be done in 10 business days, but wasn't completed for almost 15 (not including weekends). It felt like a lifetime to us! But after all that waiting, we got the news today that the appraisal went as it should have and that we are free to move forward with inspections and closing escrow! We should be able to move in by the end of the month! That means, by October we will have our own home again! The boy will have his own room, we will be able to paint and set up his furniture. This is a very exciting and hectic time for us! It seems like everything is happening all at once.

Not to mention, my birthday is tomorrow. 24 years OLD! I'm not ready and have serious anxiety about getting older. I haven't even given it much thought until today because I have been so preoccupied with baby stuff. I just feel like 24 has come too soon! Within just a few short months, I have turned another year older, we're buying a house, and having a baby!

When did I grow up?!

Mid-Pregnancy Updates

I am currently 24 weeks pregnant. Boy, time is flyin!

To put my size into perspective...Baby boy is currently the size of a cantaloupe, living in a uterus the size of a soccer ball. No matter what I do, there is no hiding this "Baby Bump" of mine! It happens quickly, too! One day a shirt fits, the next...There is NO WAY I can squeeze into that thing! I haven't been putting on as much weight as I thought I would, which makes me BEYOND happy! I thought for sure I would blow up like a balloon and be miserable! (Insert happy dance here)

Things have been going really well! I went and saw the Endocrinologist. He ran some tests and decided to put me on a thyroid medication. Now, I just have to be monitored to make sure everything stays on track.

Baby Boy is growing and getting much stronger! I feel him kicking for a good portion of my day. He has definitely set a routine for himself...He's up at about 10:30am, again around 3 or 4pm, and again at around 11pm when I'm settling into bed. I don't get woken up during the night, but that doesn't mean he isn't just as active, it just means I am not bothered by it...YET! Due to the Husband's schedule, he had not been able to feel these kicks but on August 27th, he finally got to feel this wonderful gift! Baby was kicking like crazy on this particular night and my stomach was visibly jumping around. Hubby placed his hand on my belly, and within seconds, this boy kicked with all is might! Hubby's face was PRICELESS! Watching this go down just made my heart melt! It is one emotion when I feel this myself, but a whole different emotion witnessing this pre-birth connection between baby and daddy. The image will never leave my mind :)

We have been tossing around some names for quite some time now, but haven't decided on one yet. We have settled on his middle name, but the first is not coming to us quite as easily! Hubby and I have different styles and trying to mesh those two styles is difficult. I'm hoping that one of these days, a name will come to us and we will just know! We'll get that feeling that just speaks to us and says "Yes, this is the one." Until then, I will continue to refer to this little one as "Baby Boy". We won't be telling anyone the name until he's born anyways! I want it to be a surprise for everyone and am trying avoid any negative feedback we may receive.

Aside from names, we are currently in the market for some nursery furniture. There have been a few we like, but prices are crazy! I knew having a baby was expensive, I just didn't realize HOW expensive!

Our baby shower is coming up, so I'm looking forward to having our friends and family around to celebrate and take our minds off of everything for a little while! YAY! :)

Happy Half Way to meeee!

I have made it to the half way point in my pregnancy! WOOP WOOP!

Okay, technically I am 21 weeks pregnant...but same same!

The first half could not have gone more smoothly! Aside from a week or two of morning sickness, I really had very little to complain about. Yes, I gained weight and that made me sad. Mainly because I didn't have that cute little pregnant belly and I felt like people thought I was just fat! But other than that, I feel like I was a trooper for the first 20 weeks.

I wish I could say the same about the beginning of this second half! Nothing is wrong with the little boy, which is great! But, I can't say the same for his Mama...I have spent two separate nights in the ER for heart palpitations and chest pain. After the second visit, they decided (according to some blood work) that the problem was because of a thyroid issue. I had an appointment with my OB today and they are sending me to endocrinology for some blood work to figure out what exactly is going on. Yay?

Everything else seems to be going well. I have only gained 7lbs since the beginning of all this, and I am FINALLY starting to look pregnant. Enough, that people can actually tell the difference. I've gotten a few unexpected belly rubs but have learned to embrace it. I thought it would be weird to have random people touch me but I kind of like it! It makes me realize more and more that I really am pregnant. Not that I forget, of course! It's hard to deny this belly and those constant little kicks but sometimes the idea of being pregnant escapes me. I sometimes feel like this isn't real!

Oh, but it is!
We had another ultrasound a few days ago, and I am undeniably pregnant! This little man is getting soooo big already! Watching his little arms and legs moving around and even seeing him put his tiny hand in his mouth is just amazing! It melts my heart every time we see his handsome little face on that screen!

There is so much to be done but I am just trying to take each day as it comes! Besides...I've got plenty of time...right????

Long time, no see!

With everything that has been going on in this life of mine, this little blog has taken a back seat! I'm still alive, and things are just as crazy and hectic as ever!


I'M PREGNANT!

This may come as a surprise to a lot of you...Heck, this was a surprise to me! The hubby and I had hit some rough waters in our relationship and had decided to try and work things out. It was extremely hard at first. The feelings I had for him were still there, of course, but I was so hurt and broken that letting him back in seemed like the last thing I should do.

It took a while! Giving each other some space, trying to "date" each other again, just taking things slow and seeing what would come of it. He was going through a lot being on deployment, and although that is no excuse for what he did, I knew he was not himself. It is very hard to keep the flame while your spouse is a million miles away and I think that was starting to get to him. We had been married for two years at the time, and of those two years, spent roughly 15 months apart. That can be hard on anyone!

After hashing out a lot of our issues, things were going well! I was very happy to have him back in my life! We waited a few months before deciding to move back in together and everything was moving in the right direction for once! Well, to our surprise, April came and so did an unexpected little bundle...

I had been taking birth control religiously so we were not expecting this at all! I knew something was off one week and ended up waiting it out thinking I was psyching myself out! I decided to take a test to just put some of those fears to rest. The last thing I expected to see was that little test showing two faint pink lines. My heart sank into my stomach...I immediately told Nick, who took it FAR better than I did! haha We decided, since the lines were very hard to read, I would take another one the next morning. Unfortunately, this test did not read any better. Sunday came and I decided to get a digital test. YES (Pregnant)...NO (Not Pregnant)...There's no mistake there! Longest 3 minutes of my life...Tick...Tick...Tick........YES!

That was that...I'm pregnant!

The next few weeks were crazy! Going to the doctor to confirm, finding an OB, telling our parents, NOT telling anyone else, having our first ultrasound...We were in a daze! We were totally not expecting this and with everything we had on our plate, this could not have been worse timing! But, as we like to say, this was an accident, NOT a mistake! You can never be REALLY ready for a kid no matter how much you plan and we are so very excited!

Our first ultrasound...
A few weeks ago, we had another ultrasound to determine the sex and guess what?! We're having a BOY! The hubby could not be happier! From the day we found out, he swore we would have a boy. A little "Mini-Him"! Having a boy is terrifying! I have two little sisters. I know Barbies and dress up, not baseball and mud pies! This will be quite the learning experience for both of us! Never in my life would I have thought after nearly divorcing, we would be even closer than before AND expecting our first child!

This life never ceases to surprise me with its constant curve balls! :)