It's been far too long!

So much has happened in the last few months that I haven't had a single second to myself to get some thoughts out. Well, here I am.

As you know, in July I received an email from my husband telling me that he has lost feelings for me and that he doesn't think he wants to be married. Not a single reason why. He couldn't tell me why he felt this way or what he wanted to come of his decision. I tried for a month to convince him he was just confused, being so far away was messing with his head. I wanted so badly to pretend it never happened. I was willing to completely forget he ever said anything and move on. I tried for a month to get him to agree to work things out, and for a month I was ignored.
This is the scariest and hardest thing that has ever happened to me. There are no words to explain to you just how badly it hurts to have everything you love ripped away from you in an instant. His one rash decision has changed my whole world. He still gets up every morning, goes to work, goes to the gym, has dinner...I, on the other hand, have had to move out of my apartment, get a new job and take over a dozen new responsibilities (while still maintaining the old). I've had to remove my rings and pretend that what he did doesn't bother me anymore, when in all honesty, I am more shattered today than I was the day I received that email. This doesn't get easier.
It doesn't help that the man has since decided that on top of not loving me or wanting to be married, he also doesn't want kids, doesn't want to live in California and doesn't think he will ever change his mind...yippee for me, right? And did I mention that with all of these recent revelations, he wants to work things out?? How can one person be so screwed up?
How does he expect me to forgive him after what he's done? Almost FOUR MONTHS after telling me he wants a divorce, he's changed his mind. He swears he loves me and swears he wants to work things out and I'm just supposed to forget everything he's said and pick up where we left off...Uh, rigghhhttt....Oh, and he'll be home in a matter of weeks. This terrifies me...
As much as this whole situation has screwed me up, I have done a pretty good job of keeping my mind off things. My job is great and I am making a ton of money! I've been going to the gym. I get to hang out with my friends more. I just get to focus on me!

In September I celebrated my 23rd birthday...AHHHH!!! I was able to spend time with the people I love the most and it was simply amazing! Being 23 scares me though. I liked 22...I was married and in love and happy...23 is not as simple. 23 is grown up! I feel like this number is screaming at me, "What are you doing with your life???" Well, that's a good question that I don't have a simple answer for. What AM I doing with my life? For starters, I am going back to school. I refuse to hit 24 without some sort of direction. I want to start doing photography, like I had mentioned in a previous post. I want to take more trips, even if they're only for a day. I don't know where I will be by 24, but I DO know that I will be happy.

I have met a lot of new, wonderful people! Some who have really changed my outlook on things. I am doing more things I normally would have passed up on. I have the best friends in the whole wide world and they love me for who I am, no matter what! Without them, I would not be able to get through this.

Also, I'M GETTING A NEW TATTOO!!!! I have finally decided what I want and where I want it! I needed something that was going to remind me to stay positive. That I can and will get through anything that comes my way...A few more weeks in the gym to make things pretty and that tattoo will be mine! As soon as I get it, I'll post a picture :)



Off to bed for now. I promise not to be away for so long this time!

Divorce is a 4-letter word

So is HARD

So is WORK

That is exactly what DIVORCE is...HARD effing WORK!

Since when did getting married become the "Cool thing" to do? And since when did it become even cooler to get divorced?!
I thought marriage was supposed to be sacred...Something shared between two people forever and ever. But lately, it seems to be much more of a fad than a lifetime commitment. This makes me sad. I can't think of a single person whose grandparents got divorced...That's because at some point in time, people knew that if they were going to make the decision to get married they better be DAMN SURE it was for real! There was no such thing as divorce. There was strictly time, effort, and unconditional love between two people. They didn't stray when times got tough. They didn't turn their backs during a fight. They stood up for the love they knew they shared. They MADE things work. For better or worse...Until death do them part...

So, when did this change? When did it become okay to just change your mind and be done? Why is it okay for one person to decide the fate of two? What happened to the effort...to the commitment...to the unconditional LOVE??

In exactly 6 days, I will be 23 years old...
23 with no kids, no career and on the verge of getting divorced. I think the big man upstairs got side-tracked and forgot I was still here. People keep telling me that God doesn't put anything before you that He knows you can't handle...This is Bull...
God thought all those people could handle Katrina? He thought everyone would escape from the World Trade Center?
He thought I could handle two deployments in two years? Moving into an apartment all by myself? He thought I could handle a motorcycle accident, a possible relocation, losing my job and the passing of my grandad all within months of each other?
He thinks I can handle a divorce, a birthday, moving out of an apartment and having no place to go all within one month?

In exactly 6 days, I will be 23 years old...and what do I have to show for my time here? Failure...straight across the board!

My Angel

You know how they say "When one door closes, God opens a window"?

Well, for some reason, he is slamming all my doors in my face! Playing some sick, cruel joke on me! Not only is He closing my doors, He's dead-bolting the windows shut too! Why is He doing this to me?
I can feel the air escaping, only a few final breaths...I am suffocating...

Then, from out of nowhere, this Angel...This beautiful promise of tomorrow...Through one of these windows, she throws a brick.
Instant fresh air! A few deep breaths...


Attached to this brick is a note:

Dear Ashleigh,
You mustn't give up. You must continue
to find your way. Carve your own path!
You must not let them get the best of
you. Keep your head up high and move
forward with the ever-present faith that
you will survive this. You will...


With all of the strength left in my body, I rise to my feet. Clear my head, and with one fell swoop, bust down that door!

I am starting fresh. New job, new outlook, and the most wonderful friends who have NEVER left my side! I will carve my own path, I will find my way, I WILL SURVIVE!

The Working Girl

Yep, that's me! I have a new job and I couldn't be happier about it! This was exactly what I needed to get my life on the right track!

July was the devil...I'm turning August into the Month of Ashleigh!

Only positives here!

It's simple!

I'M SIMPLE!

I want love.
I want to be happy.
I want to be loud.
I want to laugh.
I want to dance around the house in my underwear.
I want a career.
I want to dye my hair without comments.
I want picnics in the park.
I want date night.
I want a backyard for the puppy to run around.
I want cozy Sunday mornings.
I want days without make-up.
I want to hold hands.
I want to run around on the beach.
I want kids.
I want trust.
I want to sip coffee on the porch.

I want to be loved for the person I am...No ifs, ands, or buts about it!
Is that really too much to ask?

As if there wasn't enough on my mind...

August is going to be killer on my social life! Well, whatever sort of social life I was claiming to have...which is not much...

I have made the final decision to move out of our apartment. Even though it will be hazardous to my mental state living back at home, we will be able to save quite a bit of money! Money to pay for the wedding, money to pay off credit cards, money to help pay off Nick's Harley... At this point in my life, it make much more sense to make the decision to move out and save this money, then to stay in the apartment for the sake of me being happy.
It won't be all bad...My dad is hardly ever around due to his job travels, my sister is only around every other week, and my Pup will FINALLY have a back yard to run around in!! Not to mention, no rent, no bills, no nuthin'...This is definitely the best decision for us right now.

That being said, our lease ends August 31st. I start school August 15th. So, in one month, I need to get a storage shed, start school, pack up an entire apartment, move, and unpack...Oh boy!
This would be so much easier if I had Nick here to help me. Maybe I can persuade a few man-types with some pizza and beer!


I will also need to cancel all of our extras...cable, internet, electric...
If you don't hear from me, send a rescue crew!


***

On another note, I am going on vacation next week! Just me and the fam...Sun, lake, boat, food...
I cannot wait to take a break from these stresses! The only part that makes me sad is that we can't bring my Jaxson. He will be going to stay with Grandma...So sad!

Fall Semester

I am a college student...again.
It feels good to say that. I miss being in school. I miss learning and homework. I know I say that now...just wait until the semester actually starts and I want to die!

Unfortunately this semester isn't going to be much fun. There was a mix up in my file and I never received a registration date. School starts August 15th and I just got to pick my classes TODAY!
English, Health Science, Political Science and waitlisted for Music....
Well, as you may have guessed, everything has been picked over and only scraps remain. I wasn't able to get a math class...The one class that I actually WANTED! grr
And I will have to take a class on line. Possibly two, if they accept me from the waitlist. Cross your fingers for me!
The only real bummer is that I have to take Political Science online. I HATE history...failed it almost every year in high school. I don't like it, I don't get it, I don't enjoy having to listen to a boring professor talk about a boring subject...So having to take this class online is going to be a real struggle for me. It is hard enough to understand when I am actually sitting in class with a teacher, being online I am going to have to practically teach myself. EEK!

I am praying this semester isn't a total drag...I just need to make it through these next few months and Spring Semester should be much nicer to me!