I need a good ramble...

...so here goes!

I really don't have anything to talk about. I am not in a bad mood, but not really in a good one either. Nothing significant has happened today to make me feel like this but for some reason I feel like I just need to ramble until I feel better. Let's see where this ends up...

Yesterday was a normal day, spent some time cleaning up the house, played with the puppy, went to physical therapy...They are getting a little more extreme at my appointments now. Each time I go seems to get harder and harder. Not effort wise, I don't do a lot in the way of exercising or being really physical, but in the way they handle my pain. Trying to loosen up my muscles means digging their boney fingers and elbows into my shoulder and hips until I cry! I guess it's a good pain, the kind of pain that makes you feel like something is working, but today when I woke up it felt like I had been hit by a TRUCK!! I didn't even want to move, and my shoulder was so puffy from being swollen...ugh! I am just hoping that this all works and that having this weekly pain, will eventually get rid of my DAILY pain.

Today I went out to lunch with one of my friends. Her husband is deploying with my husband and we needed a girl outing. These are bitter-sweet...While it is nice to spend time with someone who knows what you are going through, it also means that you tend to talk about it more. We spent our time at lunch figuring out how we were going to make it through these 7-8 months. How will we keep ourselves busy? At least I am not alone in this. And guess what?! I didn't even cry talking about it with her!! This is pretty huge for me...I usually can't even say the word 'Deployment' without losing it...I am just so lucky to have such great friends (some of which are in the same boat) to get me through this hard time.

Nick starts his pre-deployment leave as of this Thursday....I am so glad we will have a little vacation together before he leaves! We are taking a San Diego trip to go to the zoo and to a Phillie's baseball game. He wants to make small day trips here and there...IE. Hollywood, Sea world, etc...and eat as much as possible since he won't have the luxuries of eating out while he is gone. (Great, I can already feel my jeans tightening just thinking about it!!)

On Saturday we have a photo-shoot set up! I'M SO EXCITED!! We have only had our pictures taken once (professionally, that is) so this should be a lot of fun!! I am trying to have it done at the winery by our house. I think it would provide a really beautiful background for the pictures. I'll let you know how it goes!! (Insert excessive smiling and bouncy happiness)

We talked more about what my living situation will be while he is gone...should I stay here at the apartment, should we look at houses, should I move back in with my dad??? I really don't know what to do...

Too many things need to get done in a short amount of time!! Getting a job, moving, school......ahhh! I just need to remember to take things one day at a time. When I start taking on too many things at once, I get wayyy too overwhelmed. That's when things start to slip and I lose my mind. When my mind goes, I turn into a huge disastrous mess!! There will be none of that this deployment, I PROMISE!

Three more weeks...

Yesterday I went to a baby shower for one of the girls I used to work with. She had gotten pregnant while I was still working but I hadn't seen her since November! Needless to say, she's about to POP! They only have a few more weeks before their little man comes into the world! I am so happy for them!

Being at the shower gave me massive baby fever!! Everywhere I turned there was a baby or a mommy to be! They were just all over the place! SO JEALOUS! I can't wait until Nick lets us start our own little family...but that will have to be talked about in it's own entry...

A few of the other girls from work were there, and because we haven't seen each other in quite some time, we all had to exchange our "What have you been up to?"s. Everything was going really well and I was so happy hanging out with them again...I really so miss them all so much!! But then I was asked, "So, when is your husband leaving?"

Without hesitation or a change in pitch, I uttered the dreadful words "Three weeks"....

I've said before that this really isn't news to me. I know he is leaving, I know he has to! But for some reason, there are little moments when it catches me off guard. This was one of those moments. It took a few seconds (It seemed like hours) to realize what had actually come out of my mouth...three weeks....my husband is leaving me in THREE WEEKS!! This is crazy! I only have three more weeks to soak up as much of him as possible!

I pulled myself together and enjoyed the rest of the shower.

We went out last night with a couple we know, who happen to work with Nick. They had a baby two months ago and needed a 'Mommy Daddy get away'. We went out to dinner, to the casino to see a comedy show, and ended up at the bar for some drinks! I had a blast. I really enjoy getting to have nights like these. Good times, good people, and the man of my dreams by my side the whole time.

This deployment is going to be rough...VERY ROUGH!!!

Long day/ Random thoughts

I have been trying really hard lately to not let the small things get to me. Focusing on the positive and moving on with my life. That doesn't mean I am not allowed to have a rough day here and there.

The things is, I don't know when these days are coming. I would like a little warning! Like this morning, everything is going great!! The hubby didn't have to go into work until late so we were able to spend some time together. Had some coffee, watched a movie, shared some cuddle time. I LOVE mornings like this! Then out of nowhere he turns to me and says "Gosh, I go on leave in like a week! That's crazy! That means we're leaving soon...wow." I just lost it! Balled my eyes out!! It's not like this is news to me. I know they leave soon. I know he will be on vacation even sooner. But for some reason, actually HEARING it, makes it so much worse!!

I just don't want him to go away. I don't want to be by myself. This is so HARD!!

I was finally able to pull myself together. Nick went to work and I went about my day. Which leads me to the second half of my day...PHYSICAL THERAPY!

Physical therapy is a bitch! You are sent there because of some part of you being in pain. Their way of fixing it is to put you in even MORE pain!! He said if I don't feel like I was beat up tomorrow, that he didn't do his job...great...
So he dug around in my muscles for a while before sending a girl in to do an ultrasound. It was actually pretty interesting. It is a machine that she moves around the injured area and it submits sound waves to stimulate blood flow to help heal you. Crossing my fingers that it did it's job! I am already in some pain though, so I am totally not looking forward to tomorrow. I guess as long as this all does what it's supposed to and I don't have to hurt anymore, it's fine by me!

****

I was finally able to finish our Save the Date cards. My mom and I decided to make them ourselves on the computer. They came out SO GOOD!! Better than the ones I had originally purchased and waayyyy less expensive! That's as far as I've gotten with the wedding planning...Nick and I went to look at a venue a few days ago but it was not what we thought it was going to be. (And more expensive!) I have a couple more places to look into. I just wish I had someone to do this all for me! haha

We are trying to decide if we will be continuing our lease here at the apartment. We can either sign up for another year, or try and go month to month but our monthly payment would go up. My dad offered to let me come live with him again. As much as I love being away from home and getting to live my own life, this option would save us close to $1400/month!! There is obviously a lot more to consider when making my decision....Luckily I have a little bit of time to think about it!

I need to start looking for a job (seriously) I have put out a few applications here and there but I haven't been too serious about it. There was really no point in getting a job so near to Nick leaving. I wouldn't have been able to take any time off for his pre-deployment leave. It makes more sense to just wait until he's gone and then bust my butt!! If I don't have a job while he is gone, I may lose my mind...In fact, I KNOW I will!!


Sighhh....Time to cuddle up to the puppy and hope the Hubster gets to come home super early!!

Back to life

I've been having a rough few weeks...if you couldn't tell ;p

With everything I have going on, I just couldn't seem to keep myself in a straight line!! I was being pulled in a hundred different directions and letting myself get wayyyy too overwhelmed!

I think I am finally getting back to my usual self. I started going tanning again, and got back in the gym (FINALLY!) Sometimes you have to hit the bottom to be able to reach the top. I was so focused on all of the negative that was going on that I had completely forgotten about all the positive things I have in my life.

I have a WONDERFUL family! We may get on each other's nerves sometimes but I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything in the world!! The loss of my Grandad really brought me down. It was the first time I had to experience anything like that before...I am just trying to keep telling myself that he lived a very long and happy life. He touched so many people's lives. I had 22 years of his love and support!! I am SO lucky!

I have THE BEST husband anyone could ask for! Yes, we have our ups and downs...Who doesn't?? That doesn't mean we don't love each other, and it doesn't mean we aren't perfectly suited for each other! Some days we just have to work a little harder at our relationship. He holds half of my heart...and I hold half of his! We both strive to make the other happy. Getting to wake up next to him every morning is such an amazing gift! <3

I have GREAT friends!! I am so thankful to have these awesome people in my life! They are always there for me no matter what! Even if that means driving to the beach at 1am on a school night, listening to me cry over a bottle of wine, or just being by my side when things get rough...To you, I am forever in your debt!

So, I have some bad days...They don't compare to the good ones <3

With this deployment quickly approaching, I am trying to soak in as much love and support as possible...I am going to need it! I may complain, I may cry, I may get angry...but I support my husband ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!! I am here no matter what...I always will be!

Thank you to everyone who has been behind me in all of this...without you I am nothing. I love you always and forever!

The greatest sound in the whole world!

I received an email from my cousin today that included this clip of my Grandad playing the piano. It isn't the greatest quality, but you can hear him singing in the background. I can see myself listening to this every morning to get my day started. I just wanted to share this with you! ENJOY!

I deserve the world!

So why is everything falling to pieces!?!?

I feel like I am drowning. I can't breathe. For every one step forward, I'm forced 8 steps back. I have never felt so lost and out of control in my whole life. Why is this happening to me?! I used to have things so figured out! I used to know where I was going. I used to be HAPPY!

Where is that happiness now? I haven't felt it in quite some time...

There is too much on my plate and I'm too full to eat...School, a job, marriage, a wedding, deployment...I want a day off from life. Can I do that? Can I just take a break for one day?! Just a day to relax, take a breather, figure out WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING!!!!

I've fallen into a hole and I don't know when it happened. I just keep falling down...down...There's nobody there to catch me and eventually I am going to hit the ground, hard!

I have no help, no support. When is it going to be MY turn? When am I going to get what I want? What I NEED? Why can't anything go the way I want it? Why can't I get my head above the water?? WHY ISN'T ANYBODY HERE FOR ME???

I deserve so much better than this...I deserve the WORLD!

I am tired of the anxiety. I am tired of the depression. I am tired of the pain...

Sudden death or dynamite?!

Today was the "Celebration of Life' Ceremony for my Grandad.

We were so busy all weekend preparing the food, cleaning and making sure everything would ready for today. I was sad when I woke up...I wasn't ready for this. This was supposed to be a happy day! But I just wasn't ready to say good-bye...

My mom put together a slide show that had pictures of Grandad with his friends and family. I watched it nearly a dozen times! It was just so nice to be able to see how happy he was all the time. I miss his smiling face. I miss his laughter. I miss his jokes.

So many people showed up! This made me happy, and it would have made him happy too. We all spent the afternoon shifting from group to group sharing stories of "How did you know him?" Everyone was in such a good mood. This is how Grandad would have wanted it. A PARTY!

My aunt wrote a nice speech, which of course brought everyone to tears. And my cousin in Brazil sent a speech of her own for her sister to read. Yes, MORE TEARS! It is hard to talk about someone you loved so much without crying. We all miss him so much. We miss his "Grandad-isms" as we like to call them. Things he would say that we could only link to him...Here are a few...

If you asked him if he wanted a cup of tea, he would answer with "Can a duck swim??" or "I'd like a cuppa."

When he would wake the kids in the morning he would throw open the blinds and say "Wakey wakey rise and shine, the sun'll scorch your bloody eyes out!"

When playing with us kids he would hold up his fists and threaten "Sudden death or dynamite?!" Either fist you chose would be  limitless tickling and laughter.

And my favorite, his piano playing and singing! He was wonderful! I think above all things, I am going to miss hearing that piano in the morning. Completely effortless...the talent flowed through his fingers, onto the keys and filled the house!

At the end, we all wrote him notes on white balloons to be released into the sky. I hope he was able to get them all! I stood there watching until finally they were all completely out of sight.

I love and miss you so much, Grandad!

I think this time I'll choose dynamite! <3