Mid-Pregnancy Updates

I am currently 24 weeks pregnant. Boy, time is flyin!

To put my size into perspective...Baby boy is currently the size of a cantaloupe, living in a uterus the size of a soccer ball. No matter what I do, there is no hiding this "Baby Bump" of mine! It happens quickly, too! One day a shirt fits, the next...There is NO WAY I can squeeze into that thing! I haven't been putting on as much weight as I thought I would, which makes me BEYOND happy! I thought for sure I would blow up like a balloon and be miserable! (Insert happy dance here)

Things have been going really well! I went and saw the Endocrinologist. He ran some tests and decided to put me on a thyroid medication. Now, I just have to be monitored to make sure everything stays on track.

Baby Boy is growing and getting much stronger! I feel him kicking for a good portion of my day. He has definitely set a routine for himself...He's up at about 10:30am, again around 3 or 4pm, and again at around 11pm when I'm settling into bed. I don't get woken up during the night, but that doesn't mean he isn't just as active, it just means I am not bothered by it...YET! Due to the Husband's schedule, he had not been able to feel these kicks but on August 27th, he finally got to feel this wonderful gift! Baby was kicking like crazy on this particular night and my stomach was visibly jumping around. Hubby placed his hand on my belly, and within seconds, this boy kicked with all is might! Hubby's face was PRICELESS! Watching this go down just made my heart melt! It is one emotion when I feel this myself, but a whole different emotion witnessing this pre-birth connection between baby and daddy. The image will never leave my mind :)

We have been tossing around some names for quite some time now, but haven't decided on one yet. We have settled on his middle name, but the first is not coming to us quite as easily! Hubby and I have different styles and trying to mesh those two styles is difficult. I'm hoping that one of these days, a name will come to us and we will just know! We'll get that feeling that just speaks to us and says "Yes, this is the one." Until then, I will continue to refer to this little one as "Baby Boy". We won't be telling anyone the name until he's born anyways! I want it to be a surprise for everyone and am trying avoid any negative feedback we may receive.

Aside from names, we are currently in the market for some nursery furniture. There have been a few we like, but prices are crazy! I knew having a baby was expensive, I just didn't realize HOW expensive!

Our baby shower is coming up, so I'm looking forward to having our friends and family around to celebrate and take our minds off of everything for a little while! YAY! :)

Happy Half Way to meeee!

I have made it to the half way point in my pregnancy! WOOP WOOP!

Okay, technically I am 21 weeks pregnant...but same same!

The first half could not have gone more smoothly! Aside from a week or two of morning sickness, I really had very little to complain about. Yes, I gained weight and that made me sad. Mainly because I didn't have that cute little pregnant belly and I felt like people thought I was just fat! But other than that, I feel like I was a trooper for the first 20 weeks.

I wish I could say the same about the beginning of this second half! Nothing is wrong with the little boy, which is great! But, I can't say the same for his Mama...I have spent two separate nights in the ER for heart palpitations and chest pain. After the second visit, they decided (according to some blood work) that the problem was because of a thyroid issue. I had an appointment with my OB today and they are sending me to endocrinology for some blood work to figure out what exactly is going on. Yay?

Everything else seems to be going well. I have only gained 7lbs since the beginning of all this, and I am FINALLY starting to look pregnant. Enough, that people can actually tell the difference. I've gotten a few unexpected belly rubs but have learned to embrace it. I thought it would be weird to have random people touch me but I kind of like it! It makes me realize more and more that I really am pregnant. Not that I forget, of course! It's hard to deny this belly and those constant little kicks but sometimes the idea of being pregnant escapes me. I sometimes feel like this isn't real!

Oh, but it is!
We had another ultrasound a few days ago, and I am undeniably pregnant! This little man is getting soooo big already! Watching his little arms and legs moving around and even seeing him put his tiny hand in his mouth is just amazing! It melts my heart every time we see his handsome little face on that screen!

There is so much to be done but I am just trying to take each day as it comes! Besides...I've got plenty of time...right????

Long time, no see!

With everything that has been going on in this life of mine, this little blog has taken a back seat! I'm still alive, and things are just as crazy and hectic as ever!


I'M PREGNANT!

This may come as a surprise to a lot of you...Heck, this was a surprise to me! The hubby and I had hit some rough waters in our relationship and had decided to try and work things out. It was extremely hard at first. The feelings I had for him were still there, of course, but I was so hurt and broken that letting him back in seemed like the last thing I should do.

It took a while! Giving each other some space, trying to "date" each other again, just taking things slow and seeing what would come of it. He was going through a lot being on deployment, and although that is no excuse for what he did, I knew he was not himself. It is very hard to keep the flame while your spouse is a million miles away and I think that was starting to get to him. We had been married for two years at the time, and of those two years, spent roughly 15 months apart. That can be hard on anyone!

After hashing out a lot of our issues, things were going well! I was very happy to have him back in my life! We waited a few months before deciding to move back in together and everything was moving in the right direction for once! Well, to our surprise, April came and so did an unexpected little bundle...

I had been taking birth control religiously so we were not expecting this at all! I knew something was off one week and ended up waiting it out thinking I was psyching myself out! I decided to take a test to just put some of those fears to rest. The last thing I expected to see was that little test showing two faint pink lines. My heart sank into my stomach...I immediately told Nick, who took it FAR better than I did! haha We decided, since the lines were very hard to read, I would take another one the next morning. Unfortunately, this test did not read any better. Sunday came and I decided to get a digital test. YES (Pregnant)...NO (Not Pregnant)...There's no mistake there! Longest 3 minutes of my life...Tick...Tick...Tick........YES!

That was that...I'm pregnant!

The next few weeks were crazy! Going to the doctor to confirm, finding an OB, telling our parents, NOT telling anyone else, having our first ultrasound...We were in a daze! We were totally not expecting this and with everything we had on our plate, this could not have been worse timing! But, as we like to say, this was an accident, NOT a mistake! You can never be REALLY ready for a kid no matter how much you plan and we are so very excited!

Our first ultrasound...
A few weeks ago, we had another ultrasound to determine the sex and guess what?! We're having a BOY! The hubby could not be happier! From the day we found out, he swore we would have a boy. A little "Mini-Him"! Having a boy is terrifying! I have two little sisters. I know Barbies and dress up, not baseball and mud pies! This will be quite the learning experience for both of us! Never in my life would I have thought after nearly divorcing, we would be even closer than before AND expecting our first child!

This life never ceases to surprise me with its constant curve balls! :)

Growing up isn't easy

When you're a child, you take being young for granted. Everything is easy. You're tired? Take a nap. You're hungry? Eat. Everything is handed to you on a silver platter, and all you want is to grow up.

But it isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it? You get what you wish for. You wanted to grow up, and now you have. So what now? School, a job, moving out, getting married, bills....

Let me just take a second to say "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?!?"

I got married young. Younger than most people I know. And even though I love my husband more than anything, it isn't easy. I'm not just looking out for number one anymore. Now there's two of us. We are a family and we have to make decisions about OUR life together. But again, it isn't easy. Although we have come together in marriage, we are still two very different people. I have my own opinions and of course, he has his. Then throw in the added stresses of being a military family. As much as we try to control our life, a good portion of it is held out of our reach by the military. They have control over where we live, how long we live there...Yes, it sucks. We do everything in our power to keep level heads and do what we think is the right thing to do. But who really knows what the right thing is?

We recently found out that Nick was accepted for Recruiting. Now, when I say "accepted", I mean "chosen without any say". After much deliberation, we have decided that this would be the best decision for us. He would have to extend a few extra years and that isn't fun, but this is a job that keeps him home. He gets to come home every night. No deployments! WOO!!! Well, now that that's been decided, where do we live? Where do we want to establish ourselves? Of course, my family here in California want us to stay here. I love Cali, I was born here, my family is here, my friends are here...But is this really what's best for me and Nick? His family wants us to move out to New Jersey. Somewhere I've never really spent any time, don't really feel comfortable and somewhere that he hasn't been in a very long time. I feel like he imagines his old life there. I don't think he takes into consideration that it has been six years since he's lived there. Things change, people change. I want us to go somewhere where we can be our own family. Not the family that is molded and formed by everyone else. Somewhere where we can say, "This is our home". Where we can start a family. Where we have a chance to grow with each other.

Is this the right decision? I'm not sure, but I feel like it is right for us.

This girl is seriously messed up...

There are things in this world that I don't understand.

Like how someone can love one person so much when they know they will never receive the same love back.

I don't ask for a lot. I'm not perfect, I have flaws...a lot of them....Maybe I drink too much. Maybe I shop too much. I don't eat very healthy. And have very little motivation for the gym. I'll never be a supermodel. I will never be a millionaire. I might not ever go to a great college, and I might never see past this small town I've grown up in.

But there's one thing I know, and that is that I have a HUGE heart. I'd give a hundred times over without getting a thing for it. I will always choose someone else's happiness over my own. I will always be the first person to offer my help. I will always wear my heart on my sleeve.

Love should never be conditional. Love everyone and love always.

That person is out there, I'm sure of it. I just need to wait my turn, I guess...

Today's the day

Today is the day I will be seeing my husband for the first time since he went on deployment 7 months ago...

Terrified is an understatement!

I am just praying that everything goes smoothly, that we get things sorted out, and that whether or not we stay together, I am happy.

It's been far too long!

So much has happened in the last few months that I haven't had a single second to myself to get some thoughts out. Well, here I am.

As you know, in July I received an email from my husband telling me that he has lost feelings for me and that he doesn't think he wants to be married. Not a single reason why. He couldn't tell me why he felt this way or what he wanted to come of his decision. I tried for a month to convince him he was just confused, being so far away was messing with his head. I wanted so badly to pretend it never happened. I was willing to completely forget he ever said anything and move on. I tried for a month to get him to agree to work things out, and for a month I was ignored.
This is the scariest and hardest thing that has ever happened to me. There are no words to explain to you just how badly it hurts to have everything you love ripped away from you in an instant. His one rash decision has changed my whole world. He still gets up every morning, goes to work, goes to the gym, has dinner...I, on the other hand, have had to move out of my apartment, get a new job and take over a dozen new responsibilities (while still maintaining the old). I've had to remove my rings and pretend that what he did doesn't bother me anymore, when in all honesty, I am more shattered today than I was the day I received that email. This doesn't get easier.
It doesn't help that the man has since decided that on top of not loving me or wanting to be married, he also doesn't want kids, doesn't want to live in California and doesn't think he will ever change his mind...yippee for me, right? And did I mention that with all of these recent revelations, he wants to work things out?? How can one person be so screwed up?
How does he expect me to forgive him after what he's done? Almost FOUR MONTHS after telling me he wants a divorce, he's changed his mind. He swears he loves me and swears he wants to work things out and I'm just supposed to forget everything he's said and pick up where we left off...Uh, rigghhhttt....Oh, and he'll be home in a matter of weeks. This terrifies me...
As much as this whole situation has screwed me up, I have done a pretty good job of keeping my mind off things. My job is great and I am making a ton of money! I've been going to the gym. I get to hang out with my friends more. I just get to focus on me!

In September I celebrated my 23rd birthday...AHHHH!!! I was able to spend time with the people I love the most and it was simply amazing! Being 23 scares me though. I liked 22...I was married and in love and happy...23 is not as simple. 23 is grown up! I feel like this number is screaming at me, "What are you doing with your life???" Well, that's a good question that I don't have a simple answer for. What AM I doing with my life? For starters, I am going back to school. I refuse to hit 24 without some sort of direction. I want to start doing photography, like I had mentioned in a previous post. I want to take more trips, even if they're only for a day. I don't know where I will be by 24, but I DO know that I will be happy.

I have met a lot of new, wonderful people! Some who have really changed my outlook on things. I am doing more things I normally would have passed up on. I have the best friends in the whole wide world and they love me for who I am, no matter what! Without them, I would not be able to get through this.

Also, I'M GETTING A NEW TATTOO!!!! I have finally decided what I want and where I want it! I needed something that was going to remind me to stay positive. That I can and will get through anything that comes my way...A few more weeks in the gym to make things pretty and that tattoo will be mine! As soon as I get it, I'll post a picture :)



Off to bed for now. I promise not to be away for so long this time!