So why is everything falling to pieces!?!?
I feel like I am drowning. I can't breathe. For every one step forward, I'm forced 8 steps back. I have never felt so lost and out of control in my whole life. Why is this happening to me?! I used to have things so figured out! I used to know where I was going. I used to be HAPPY!
Where is that happiness now? I haven't felt it in quite some time...
There is too much on my plate and I'm too full to eat...School, a job, marriage, a wedding, deployment...I want a day off from life. Can I do that? Can I just take a break for one day?! Just a day to relax, take a breather, figure out WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING!!!!
I've fallen into a hole and I don't know when it happened. I just keep falling down...down...There's nobody there to catch me and eventually I am going to hit the ground, hard!
I have no help, no support. When is it going to be MY turn? When am I going to get what I want? What I NEED? Why can't anything go the way I want it? Why can't I get my head above the water?? WHY ISN'T ANYBODY HERE FOR ME???
I deserve so much better than this...I deserve the WORLD!
I am tired of the anxiety. I am tired of the depression. I am tired of the pain...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sudden death or dynamite?!
Today was the "Celebration of Life' Ceremony for my Grandad.
We were so busy all weekend preparing the food, cleaning and making sure everything would ready for today. I was sad when I woke up...I wasn't ready for this. This was supposed to be a happy day! But I just wasn't ready to say good-bye...
My mom put together a slide show that had pictures of Grandad with his friends and family. I watched it nearly a dozen times! It was just so nice to be able to see how happy he was all the time. I miss his smiling face. I miss his laughter. I miss his jokes.
So many people showed up! This made me happy, and it would have made him happy too. We all spent the afternoon shifting from group to group sharing stories of "How did you know him?" Everyone was in such a good mood. This is how Grandad would have wanted it. A PARTY!
My aunt wrote a nice speech, which of course brought everyone to tears. And my cousin in Brazil sent a speech of her own for her sister to read. Yes, MORE TEARS! It is hard to talk about someone you loved so much without crying. We all miss him so much. We miss his "Grandad-isms" as we like to call them. Things he would say that we could only link to him...Here are a few...
If you asked him if he wanted a cup of tea, he would answer with "Can a duck swim??" or "I'd like a cuppa."
When he would wake the kids in the morning he would throw open the blinds and say "Wakey wakey rise and shine, the sun'll scorch your bloody eyes out!"
When playing with us kids he would hold up his fists and threaten "Sudden death or dynamite?!" Either fist you chose would be limitless tickling and laughter.
And my favorite, his piano playing and singing! He was wonderful! I think above all things, I am going to miss hearing that piano in the morning. Completely effortless...the talent flowed through his fingers, onto the keys and filled the house!
At the end, we all wrote him notes on white balloons to be released into the sky. I hope he was able to get them all! I stood there watching until finally they were all completely out of sight.
I love and miss you so much, Grandad!
I think this time I'll choose dynamite! <3
We were so busy all weekend preparing the food, cleaning and making sure everything would ready for today. I was sad when I woke up...I wasn't ready for this. This was supposed to be a happy day! But I just wasn't ready to say good-bye...
My mom put together a slide show that had pictures of Grandad with his friends and family. I watched it nearly a dozen times! It was just so nice to be able to see how happy he was all the time. I miss his smiling face. I miss his laughter. I miss his jokes.
So many people showed up! This made me happy, and it would have made him happy too. We all spent the afternoon shifting from group to group sharing stories of "How did you know him?" Everyone was in such a good mood. This is how Grandad would have wanted it. A PARTY!
My aunt wrote a nice speech, which of course brought everyone to tears. And my cousin in Brazil sent a speech of her own for her sister to read. Yes, MORE TEARS! It is hard to talk about someone you loved so much without crying. We all miss him so much. We miss his "Grandad-isms" as we like to call them. Things he would say that we could only link to him...Here are a few...
If you asked him if he wanted a cup of tea, he would answer with "Can a duck swim??" or "I'd like a cuppa."
When he would wake the kids in the morning he would throw open the blinds and say "Wakey wakey rise and shine, the sun'll scorch your bloody eyes out!"
When playing with us kids he would hold up his fists and threaten "Sudden death or dynamite?!" Either fist you chose would be limitless tickling and laughter.
And my favorite, his piano playing and singing! He was wonderful! I think above all things, I am going to miss hearing that piano in the morning. Completely effortless...the talent flowed through his fingers, onto the keys and filled the house!
At the end, we all wrote him notes on white balloons to be released into the sky. I hope he was able to get them all! I stood there watching until finally they were all completely out of sight.
I love and miss you so much, Grandad!
I think this time I'll choose dynamite! <3
Friday, March 25, 2011
Trying to stay positive!
I have been trying to stay super positive lately but it is SO HARD to do when my hubby is so emotionless!
We have been going back and forth with this upcoming deployment. When he got into his accident in September, the surgeon told us he would never walk again. There was no way he would be going on the deployment. If you know my husband, you know information like that wasn't going to fly!! He kicked his own ass every single day to get up and around the house. He was recovering so quickly but the surgeon was still not convinced that he would be able to leave. Not only would it be a danger to himself, it would be a danger to his unit.
Months later, after NUMEROUS physical therapy appointments and nights in the gym, he started running. The surgeon told him he would have to run 3 miles (along with other movement tests) in order to be signed off as 'well enough to deploy'.
Yesterday was the deadline...
I am a good person, but there was a part of me that was gripping tight to the last little possibility that he wouldn't have to leave! Through this whole thing, I have been 100% supportive! I helped him when he needed it, I encouraged him to get moving, I praised him in his progress...What kind of person would I be if I left him alone through all of this??? That still doesn't make this any easier for me. Ask anyone, when they ask me how I feel about this whole thing, my response has been and always will be "I would sacrifice 8 months of my own sadness any day so that he won't have sadness for the rest of his life!" If he couldn't go on this deployment, it would be the end for him...He would have nothing left to look forward to! This has been all he's wanted since he joined the marine corps and I would never EVER want anything else for him! Knowing he is happy makes me happy too.
All I asked for was a little compassion when it came to the news he sprung on me! If I am supposed to keep a smiling face and pretend everything is okay FOR YOU, then you need to be able to understand what you need to do FOR ME!
He passed his exam yesterday and was signed off for this deployment. Instead of a heartfelt "I know this is hard for you to hear, but I will be leaving. Everything will be okay" I got "The surgeon paraded me around the office!!! He wants to write about me and my recovery in the medical journal!!!!!"
Way to make me feel like crap...
I was good though. I smiled and congratulated him...like I should! He deserves it after all of the hard work he has put into this! I am so proud of him and how fast he was able to recover. All I asked for was for him to come home and see how I was handling the news. To maybe talk things through with me so that I didn't feel completely alone in all of this. Did I get that though?? Of course not!!!
Instead I got yelled at for not being supportive enough, for being over emotional, and for only thinking about myself and what I needed instead of what he needed....awesome...
So, not only will I be alone for 8 months, but I will be in a SHIT mood until he leaves because GOD FORBID I GET EMOTIONAL!!!
We have been going back and forth with this upcoming deployment. When he got into his accident in September, the surgeon told us he would never walk again. There was no way he would be going on the deployment. If you know my husband, you know information like that wasn't going to fly!! He kicked his own ass every single day to get up and around the house. He was recovering so quickly but the surgeon was still not convinced that he would be able to leave. Not only would it be a danger to himself, it would be a danger to his unit.
Months later, after NUMEROUS physical therapy appointments and nights in the gym, he started running. The surgeon told him he would have to run 3 miles (along with other movement tests) in order to be signed off as 'well enough to deploy'.
Yesterday was the deadline...
I am a good person, but there was a part of me that was gripping tight to the last little possibility that he wouldn't have to leave! Through this whole thing, I have been 100% supportive! I helped him when he needed it, I encouraged him to get moving, I praised him in his progress...What kind of person would I be if I left him alone through all of this??? That still doesn't make this any easier for me. Ask anyone, when they ask me how I feel about this whole thing, my response has been and always will be "I would sacrifice 8 months of my own sadness any day so that he won't have sadness for the rest of his life!" If he couldn't go on this deployment, it would be the end for him...He would have nothing left to look forward to! This has been all he's wanted since he joined the marine corps and I would never EVER want anything else for him! Knowing he is happy makes me happy too.
All I asked for was a little compassion when it came to the news he sprung on me! If I am supposed to keep a smiling face and pretend everything is okay FOR YOU, then you need to be able to understand what you need to do FOR ME!
He passed his exam yesterday and was signed off for this deployment. Instead of a heartfelt "I know this is hard for you to hear, but I will be leaving. Everything will be okay" I got "The surgeon paraded me around the office!!! He wants to write about me and my recovery in the medical journal!!!!!"
Way to make me feel like crap...
I was good though. I smiled and congratulated him...like I should! He deserves it after all of the hard work he has put into this! I am so proud of him and how fast he was able to recover. All I asked for was for him to come home and see how I was handling the news. To maybe talk things through with me so that I didn't feel completely alone in all of this. Did I get that though?? Of course not!!!
Instead I got yelled at for not being supportive enough, for being over emotional, and for only thinking about myself and what I needed instead of what he needed....awesome...
So, not only will I be alone for 8 months, but I will be in a SHIT mood until he leaves because GOD FORBID I GET EMOTIONAL!!!
Monday, March 21, 2011
I hate my DR...
Okay, so hate is a strong word...but if there was something really really REALLY close to 'hate', that is what I feel for her!
I have been having a lot of joint pain lately...Usually, it is in my knees and back but lately, the pain has been more in my hips and my left shoulder. I had an appointment scheduled last week, but my dr's office is only ran by one lady. When she is out sick or busy, they cancel all the appointments and reschedule...DUMB! So, I was already irritated that I had to change my plans. When I went in today, I went through everything with the first nurse...
So you have pain?
Yes ma'am, it started in my knees which don't seem to be bothering me lately. My back was also hurting but now it is just in my hips and my left shoulder.
Did you have an injury or fall?
No, I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder MONTHS ago but nothing since.
You have thalassemia, does that affect you?
It used to, but now I take vitamins that replace the iron. I am not as tired and I don't get sick as often.
(Insert some boring story about some girl she knew that had thalassemia)
Do you think it could be arthritis? I don't know if I have any family history but the pain seems to be just in my joints.
The DR will let you know when she comes in.
Okay, thanks.
(I got to the dr office at 1:30, appt at 1:45, dr didn't come in until 2:20)
The doctor comes in and says...
So, you have pain?
(Seriously?????) Yes ma'am, it started in my knees which don't seem to be bothering me lately. My back was also hurting but now it is just in my hips and my left shoulder. They hurt so bad that I am losing sleep because I am constantly tossing and turning all night trying to get comfortable.
Did you have any injury or did you fall?
No, just a pinched nerve a few months ago, but nothing since.
Okay, stand here and move your arm like this, this and this.
(I do all motions, some with more pain than others.)
Okay, lie down so I can feel your hips.
(I do and mention it is only when I am on my side that it hurts)
OOOHHH, You have bursitis. I will give you an anti-inflammatory, we will send you for an x-ray of the shoulder so we can see what's wrong with that, and then we will send for a referral to start physical therapy. See my nurse at the front.
This all took about 3 minutes!!
The nurse gave me the prescription for my x-ray and sent me to the WRONG office 20 minutes out of my way!! All so that I could turn right around and go another 30 minutes in the other direction...She sent my meds to the WRONG pharmacy!! I waited in line for 15 minutes for them to tell me they were at a different pharmacy and another 15 minutes to actually get them when I got to the right pharmacy!!
I left my house at 12:45 and didn't get home until 5:00pm!!! Needless to say, I'm a little pissed off!
She barely even looked at me! I already called and left a message telling them all of the things they did wrong today...which I NEVER do! and I will be calling Tricare tomorrow to find out where I can go for a second opinion....stupid stupid STUPID!!!!
/rant
I have been having a lot of joint pain lately...Usually, it is in my knees and back but lately, the pain has been more in my hips and my left shoulder. I had an appointment scheduled last week, but my dr's office is only ran by one lady. When she is out sick or busy, they cancel all the appointments and reschedule...DUMB! So, I was already irritated that I had to change my plans. When I went in today, I went through everything with the first nurse...
So you have pain?
Yes ma'am, it started in my knees which don't seem to be bothering me lately. My back was also hurting but now it is just in my hips and my left shoulder.
Did you have an injury or fall?
No, I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder MONTHS ago but nothing since.
You have thalassemia, does that affect you?
It used to, but now I take vitamins that replace the iron. I am not as tired and I don't get sick as often.
(Insert some boring story about some girl she knew that had thalassemia)
Do you think it could be arthritis? I don't know if I have any family history but the pain seems to be just in my joints.
The DR will let you know when she comes in.
Okay, thanks.
(I got to the dr office at 1:30, appt at 1:45, dr didn't come in until 2:20)
The doctor comes in and says...
So, you have pain?
(Seriously?????) Yes ma'am, it started in my knees which don't seem to be bothering me lately. My back was also hurting but now it is just in my hips and my left shoulder. They hurt so bad that I am losing sleep because I am constantly tossing and turning all night trying to get comfortable.
Did you have any injury or did you fall?
No, just a pinched nerve a few months ago, but nothing since.
Okay, stand here and move your arm like this, this and this.
(I do all motions, some with more pain than others.)
Okay, lie down so I can feel your hips.
(I do and mention it is only when I am on my side that it hurts)
OOOHHH, You have bursitis. I will give you an anti-inflammatory, we will send you for an x-ray of the shoulder so we can see what's wrong with that, and then we will send for a referral to start physical therapy. See my nurse at the front.
This all took about 3 minutes!!
The nurse gave me the prescription for my x-ray and sent me to the WRONG office 20 minutes out of my way!! All so that I could turn right around and go another 30 minutes in the other direction...She sent my meds to the WRONG pharmacy!! I waited in line for 15 minutes for them to tell me they were at a different pharmacy and another 15 minutes to actually get them when I got to the right pharmacy!!
I left my house at 12:45 and didn't get home until 5:00pm!!! Needless to say, I'm a little pissed off!
She barely even looked at me! I already called and left a message telling them all of the things they did wrong today...which I NEVER do! and I will be calling Tricare tomorrow to find out where I can go for a second opinion....stupid stupid STUPID!!!!
/rant
Friday, March 18, 2011
GOOD NEWS!
As you all know, I had a meeting with the school counselor yesterday and I was a little skeptical. I didn't think I was going to be able to attend that school because they don't have a bachelor program but I went to the meeting anyways in hopes they could at least steer me in the right direction.
Turns out, I don't have to go ANYWHERE!! (Well, for another 2 years, anyways.) I can spend the first 2 years at this community college taking care of my general education classes for a lot less money and then transfer to a Cal State and only spend 2 more years there to get my bachelor's degree!!! So, regardless, this BA will only take me 4 years, like it should!
Can I get a "WOOOO HOOOOO" ????!!!!
I LOVE getting good news!
As of August 2011, I will be a college student (Again)! I can't wait. I already have my first semester of classes all planned out. Now, I just need to decide where I will transfer to...San Marcos? Fullerton? San Bernardino???? I just have to take a look at them all and see which one will be able to carry on my Major...either Child development or Liberal Studies...DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!
I can't even think about it right now...I like the view from Cloud 9!
Turns out, I don't have to go ANYWHERE!! (Well, for another 2 years, anyways.) I can spend the first 2 years at this community college taking care of my general education classes for a lot less money and then transfer to a Cal State and only spend 2 more years there to get my bachelor's degree!!! So, regardless, this BA will only take me 4 years, like it should!
Can I get a "WOOOO HOOOOO" ????!!!!
I LOVE getting good news!
As of August 2011, I will be a college student (Again)! I can't wait. I already have my first semester of classes all planned out. Now, I just need to decide where I will transfer to...San Marcos? Fullerton? San Bernardino???? I just have to take a look at them all and see which one will be able to carry on my Major...either Child development or Liberal Studies...DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!
I can't even think about it right now...I like the view from Cloud 9!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I could get used to this!
I am meeting with the counselor today to talk about school. Hopefully, they will be able to lay out the next four years for me. And, HOPEFULLY, it won't cost a ba-jillion dollars!!! School is so important right now. I really need to take care of myself for the future! I am looking to get a BA, possibly in sociology or psychology, and then get my teaching credential.
A little inspiration to start my day...
Yea, I could get used to this! I just love him to the moon!!
****
Yesterday went well....it was a group interview, which I have never done before. I feel like it went well though :) I won't hear back from them for 2 weeks to find out if I get a second, one on one, interview. I am so excited! I really hope to hear from them!
aannnddddddd
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!! (Maybe the luck of the Irish will rub off on me today)
A little inspiration to start my day...
Yea, I could get used to this! I just love him to the moon!!
****
Yesterday went well....it was a group interview, which I have never done before. I feel like it went well though :) I won't hear back from them for 2 weeks to find out if I get a second, one on one, interview. I am so excited! I really hope to hear from them!
aannnddddddd
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!! (Maybe the luck of the Irish will rub off on me today)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My interview...YIKES
Today is my interview. Although, this isn't a job I plan to keep for very long, I need something that will keep me busy while Nick is away. The income doesn't hurt either ;)
I was a little nervous when I woke up...It has been a little while since I have had to interview for anything!
That was until I got this...
I pretty much have the greatest husband on the face of this Earth!!! I don't know what I would do without him <3
Now, excuse me while I go kick this interview's a$$!!!
I was a little nervous when I woke up...It has been a little while since I have had to interview for anything!
That was until I got this...
I pretty much have the greatest husband on the face of this Earth!!! I don't know what I would do without him <3
Now, excuse me while I go kick this interview's a$$!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)