Stress- 1...Ashleigh- 0

Where is my husband when I need him?!

Oh yea....A whole different COUNTRY!!! Ughhhghghghg

As if a deployment isn't stressful enough, I feel like everything is falling apart. I have had horrible issues with my phone for a week now and stupid T-mobile doesn't even seem to care! Apparently they don't care that I have been a loyal customer since I was 16! Apparently they don't care that their product is a piece of crap! Apparently they don't care that because of them, their crappy phone, and their crappy service...I CAN'T TALK TO MY HUSBAND!!

Bitches...

To top it off, I am worried about this damn doctor appointment tomorrow...Please cross your fingers that everything comes back okay...


You win this time, Stress....But I will be back for round two, just you wait!

Just the sound of his voice

makes everything better!

I have been having some serious phone issues this week which stopped me from being able to receive incoming calls and emails...When your husband is deployed, this is extremely important!! I was afraid to leave the house in case he emailed me.

I got a couple emails from him while he was at the airport during a layover. It is nice just to be able to hear from him...Know that he's thinking of us just as much as we are thinking of him!

But last night was even better!! I had emailed him to tell him I finally got my phone fixed and at midnight last night, I got the call!!

Just getting to hear his voice was the greatest gift I could get! Granted, I was only half awake during the whole conversation...I am just so happy knowing he is safe. So happy that I could talk to him!

I love my husband more than anything in the world. These last few days have been HORRIBLE!! Missing him, sleeping alone, cooking for nobody...It is so hard...

I can't wait to hear from him again...HOPEFULLY SOON!!

Love you to the moon hunny! <3

Damn you radio!!!

Have you ever had one of those days where something happens to you and you see signs of it everywhere?

For example...
You buy a new car and the next day you see 20 of the same one driving around...
You find out your pregnant and EVERYONE you pass has a baby...
You're planning a wedding and every movie on TV has something to do with a wedding...
And you think, coincidence??? Would I have noticed this on any other day???

Well, this happened to me last night...NOT in a good way!

On my way home last night, EVERY SONG was about saying good-bye to a loved one. I just balled the whole drive. It didn't matter what station I was on, what type of music was playing, every time I switched stations another sad song was playing. I pretty much wanted to die!

But here's the kicker...it you have a heavy heart you may not want to push play...

Somebody up there HATES ME!!!

This is possibly the WORST song I have ever heard!!! Why he would want to sing something like this is beyond me. I just couldn't stop crying...I still can't stop crying.

Today is not better than yesterday. I don't have high hopes for tomorrow either...

You don't know

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every night, and hopes every morning for his safe return. 
I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home. 
I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me. 
You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him. 

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by. 
What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. 
I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for. 
I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. 
A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living. 

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a life time. 
You don't know that every time he leaves, part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me. 
You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady. 
You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea. 
What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation. 
You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played. 
I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside. 

I am one of those girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through. 
You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do. 
You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better. 
You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hands as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time. 
You don't know what that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is. 

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground. 
What you don't know is, that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know. 
You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one. 
I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful. 
What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing. 
I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Marine, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country.




***



I did not write this, however, it is everything that I am! This entry defines me better than I could have done myself. 


I don't like today...We had to drop off all of Nick's luggage. This is real...it is not a joke...it is going to happen whether I am ready or not.


A few deep breaths today...a lot of tears tomorrow...

It's the final count-down!!

Well, we know the day...The DREADED departure day...

It hit me like a ton of bricks! I am SOOOO not ready for this! Not matter what I say or do, this will not be easy. It will not be easy going to bed by myself. It will not be easy waking up by myself every morning. Who am I kidding? It will not be easy to wake up PERIOD!

These last few days are bitter sweet...We are trying our hardest to stay positive for each other and make the most out of the time we have left, but it is hard knowing what's coming.

I find myself asking these silly little questions: Did I look at him enough today? Did we get in as many kisses as possible? Did I tell him how much I love him? Did we share enough smiles?
All of these things need to last me 7 months!! Did I get enough? NO! Of course I didn't!! There will never be enough and this hurt will not go away...

I hate this...

My plate

My plate is a weird thing. Sometimes it's overflowing, sometimes it's empty! Why can't there be a happy medium?

So, today I have decided to take control of my plate. Nick leaves soon...VERY SOON...and I need things to occupy my time. I have some things that are very overwhelming like school and planning this wedding, and some things that I want to do to relieve some of this pressure. I feel that if I can even out the weight of my plate, everything will go much more smoothly during this deployment! So here is what I'm thinking...

PHOTOGRAPHY!

I take hundreds of pictures of anything and everything! I just can't seem to get enough...I love to see people's reactions when they see the pictures. I love capturing special moments. I love having these moments of my life, and other's, documented for life! Being able to look back at all of the wonderful times!

In order to do this, I need to sort some things out. Right now, this wedding is taking up the most room in my brain! There is just so much to do and I STILL don't have anywhere to even have the wedding...I know as soon as I am able to book a venue, everything else will fall into place.

Next in line is getting a job. Working during this deployment is a MUST! I need something that is going to force me out of my bed everyday! I just need to figure out if I want something full time or part time...and what I actually want to do...This isn't going to be permanent, so I'm thinking another serving position might suit me. I'll be able to have a say in the days and times I want to work...

School is last on my list. Not priority-wise, of course, but in the sense that it is the only thing that is actually taken care of. The only think I need to do is register for classes...which I can't do until they give me a date to do so! I have a full schedule planned but this is where I am thinking the photography will fit in nicely. If I can work in a photo-class somewhere in between and still hold everything together, I would be one seriously happy camper!

I just don't know where to start...What camera do I buy? What editing program do I need? What should I start taking pictures of?
Google, here I come!

On a happy side-note: We got our pictures back finally!!! I am not totally happy with them, but I just keep reminding myself that it was free. Nick and I are just trying to decide which ones we actually want to purchase for ourselves. We really want to start hanging things on our walls...you know, like we actually live here!!...I think these pictures will be a nice starter <3

Chicken Soup Part 2

Can't Let Go

I had said good-bye to my husband, Joe, so often, but this time was different.

We now had our first child. After nights of soul-searching and what-ifs, we made the difficult decision that Joe would go by himself to Alabama for the six-month training course, and I would stay behind with our new son. It was important that I hold on to my teaching position near our home at Fort Hood, plus we were part of a strong network of friends whom I could count on to see me through the rough spots.

On Joe's last evening home- always a melancholy time- I bathed little Joey, got him into his sleeper and was heading to the bedroom when Joe gently touched me on the shoulder. Lifting the baby from my arms, he said he wanted to tuck Joey in tonight.

They headed down the hall, and I busied myself with meaningless tasks, expecting Joe to emerge from the bedroom within a few minutes. A half hour went by, and still he had not come back. Figuring he was having trouble getting our son to fall asleep, I tiptoed to the baby's room and peeked into the dimly lit room.

Sitting in the rocking chair, moving slowly back and forth, was my husband, stifling quiet sobs. He was holding our sleeping infant in his arms as though he would never let go.

I whispered, "Honey, what can I do?"

His pained eyes met mine, and after a moment he mumbled, "I just can't put him down."

That night, we stood over Joey's crib, holding each other, consoling ourselves and saying over and over that we would make it through this separation and be together again soon.

Joey is six now, and he has a four-year-old brother named Jack. There have been many farewells since that night, yet my military hero still fights back tears when it's time to leave once again in service to his country and give his boys that last, long hug good-bye.