The monkey on my back...

Today is not a good day. This deployment is slowly creeping up on me and I am not ready. My husband shouldn't even be going this time!! Why is this happening??? I only have two months left to soak up as much of his love as possible. Everyday gets harder and harder. My husband comes home everyday with more and more gear and it feels like it is all being piled onto my shoulders.

Today is not a good day. Every time I walk by his stuff lined up in our living room, I cry. I have not had enough time to prepare for this! He shouldn't be going...We were told he wouldn't be going...I am trying to be supportive on the outside, but on the inside I just want to die...

I have been through one deployment already. You'd think it would be no problem. But this time is different...This time is scary...I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be alone. What would I do without him?? He likes to think he is invincible and that nothing could ever happen to him. He likes to make jokes and poke fun at the idea of this deployment, but every joke is another knife to the heart. This isn't funny to me...This isn't a joke. I try and talk to him about it but he doesn't want to have a serious conversation...he doesn't want to hear the possibilities...I feel like I am all alone in this...

I just need someone to talk to. Someone who can share their experiences with me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I can't fill my days with enough to get me through this...all I can do is cry...


Dear deployment,

I hate you!

Sincerely,
Ashleigh

The dreaded gym!

I woke up this morning feeling terrible. Partly because I spend everyday pretty much alone and partly because the reality of this upcoming deployment is starting to sink in...

I decided to take it out on the gym! What I didn't know was that the gym would, in turn, take it out on me! EVERYTHING HURTS!!! What a work out! Now, I just need to find the motivation to do this to myself everyday...Where does that come from??

We shall see what happens tomorrow I suppose! Wish me luck!!

Just a cup of tea

On Sunday February 13, I received a frantic call from my mother...My Grandad had a stroke and was taken to the hospital. I didn't know what to think or do, I was just in shock! The next day, I headed to the hospital with my sister to see him. Given the circumstances, he looked pretty good! He told us all how much he loved us and thanked us for taking the time to visit him. He joked around with us all like nothing had even happened! All he wanted was a cup of tea and would have given us anything we wanted just to get it! (He even told the nurses he would take them home with him just to have some tea) This seemed like such good news!

By Tuesday, he was considered stable enough to leave the ICU and be placed in a regular room of the hospital. Things were looking up! They decided they wanted to start physical therapy and get him moving. The stroke had left him unable to move his left side.

On Wednesday, they moved my Grandad to a rehab facility down the road from the hospital. Things started to head downhill...He didn't talk much and barely even acknowledged anyone that was there. The doctor was concerned that maybe he had suffered a second stoke and had him sent to the hospital for another CT scan. It came back the same as before, so they thought he must have just been over-worked, mentally and physically. He didn't do much for the next few days....It was rare to get him to notice you were there, and even more rare for him to respond to anything you were saying.

Sunday February 20 I received some good news!! My mom was sitting by his side and he opened his eyes and hugged her!!! We were all so excited to hear this, but just as soon as he was there, he was gone again.

Today, the doctors were concerned that my Grandad had a fever that they couldn't seem to get under control. They checked for blood clots in his legs but it came back negative. It seems as though he has now slipped into a coma.... They have set up another CT scan to see what is happening...

My family and myself have experienced this before with my uncle who was in a coma for 3 months. He came out of it, and although he is almost paralyzed, he still has his mind...This is giving us hope for my Grandad...Hope that he WILL make it through this! He is a fighter...

We love you more than anything, Grandad!! We are right here beside you until the end! Please keep him in your thoughts...we can use all the help we can get!

My favorite picture of us <3

There's a first time for everything

I have never been the blogging type...or even someone to keep a journal or diary. But I figure, what the hell...there's a first time for everything, right??

I have found myself experiencing many sleepless nights these days and I thought maybe being able to remove the random thoughts from my head would help. This won't be your cookie-cutter blog. I may not post something everyday. So, if you find yourself sitting in front of your computer screen awaiting my next entry...go grab some coffee...it could be a while!

The most I have ever shared are the random (sometimes) witty, one sentence posts I update my Facebook with. Just a quick little blip to let people know what's going on in my life that day...This will be better! Here I will be able to tell stories, share accomplishments and maybe even rant a little!

So, here goes! I guess the best way to start this would be to share a little something about myself...

My name is Ashleigh. I am 22 years old and married to the most wonderful man in the world! He is a Marine, and let me tell you, being a military wife is one of the hardest things I have EVER done!! We don't have children....unless you count our extremely spoiled doxie-pin puppy, Jaxson. He pretty much rules the house and I wouldn't have it any other way! I am not your typical girl. I don't  go get my nails done every week and I would rather dye my hair myself than spend money to get it done. My time is better spent with my little family!

I guess that's all you need to know...for now!

Hugs and kisses <3