You don't know

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every night, and hopes every morning for his safe return. 
I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home. 
I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me. 
You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him. 

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by. 
What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. 
I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for. 
I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. 
A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living. 

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a life time. 
You don't know that every time he leaves, part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me. 
You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady. 
You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea. 
What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation. 
You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played. 
I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside. 

I am one of those girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through. 
You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do. 
You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better. 
You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hands as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time. 
You don't know what that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is. 

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground. 
What you don't know is, that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know. 
You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one. 
I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful. 
What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing. 
I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Marine, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country.




***



I did not write this, however, it is everything that I am! This entry defines me better than I could have done myself. 


I don't like today...We had to drop off all of Nick's luggage. This is real...it is not a joke...it is going to happen whether I am ready or not.


A few deep breaths today...a lot of tears tomorrow...

It's the final count-down!!

Well, we know the day...The DREADED departure day...

It hit me like a ton of bricks! I am SOOOO not ready for this! Not matter what I say or do, this will not be easy. It will not be easy going to bed by myself. It will not be easy waking up by myself every morning. Who am I kidding? It will not be easy to wake up PERIOD!

These last few days are bitter sweet...We are trying our hardest to stay positive for each other and make the most out of the time we have left, but it is hard knowing what's coming.

I find myself asking these silly little questions: Did I look at him enough today? Did we get in as many kisses as possible? Did I tell him how much I love him? Did we share enough smiles?
All of these things need to last me 7 months!! Did I get enough? NO! Of course I didn't!! There will never be enough and this hurt will not go away...

I hate this...

My plate

My plate is a weird thing. Sometimes it's overflowing, sometimes it's empty! Why can't there be a happy medium?

So, today I have decided to take control of my plate. Nick leaves soon...VERY SOON...and I need things to occupy my time. I have some things that are very overwhelming like school and planning this wedding, and some things that I want to do to relieve some of this pressure. I feel that if I can even out the weight of my plate, everything will go much more smoothly during this deployment! So here is what I'm thinking...

PHOTOGRAPHY!

I take hundreds of pictures of anything and everything! I just can't seem to get enough...I love to see people's reactions when they see the pictures. I love capturing special moments. I love having these moments of my life, and other's, documented for life! Being able to look back at all of the wonderful times!

In order to do this, I need to sort some things out. Right now, this wedding is taking up the most room in my brain! There is just so much to do and I STILL don't have anywhere to even have the wedding...I know as soon as I am able to book a venue, everything else will fall into place.

Next in line is getting a job. Working during this deployment is a MUST! I need something that is going to force me out of my bed everyday! I just need to figure out if I want something full time or part time...and what I actually want to do...This isn't going to be permanent, so I'm thinking another serving position might suit me. I'll be able to have a say in the days and times I want to work...

School is last on my list. Not priority-wise, of course, but in the sense that it is the only thing that is actually taken care of. The only think I need to do is register for classes...which I can't do until they give me a date to do so! I have a full schedule planned but this is where I am thinking the photography will fit in nicely. If I can work in a photo-class somewhere in between and still hold everything together, I would be one seriously happy camper!

I just don't know where to start...What camera do I buy? What editing program do I need? What should I start taking pictures of?
Google, here I come!

On a happy side-note: We got our pictures back finally!!! I am not totally happy with them, but I just keep reminding myself that it was free. Nick and I are just trying to decide which ones we actually want to purchase for ourselves. We really want to start hanging things on our walls...you know, like we actually live here!!...I think these pictures will be a nice starter <3

Chicken Soup Part 2

Can't Let Go

I had said good-bye to my husband, Joe, so often, but this time was different.

We now had our first child. After nights of soul-searching and what-ifs, we made the difficult decision that Joe would go by himself to Alabama for the six-month training course, and I would stay behind with our new son. It was important that I hold on to my teaching position near our home at Fort Hood, plus we were part of a strong network of friends whom I could count on to see me through the rough spots.

On Joe's last evening home- always a melancholy time- I bathed little Joey, got him into his sleeper and was heading to the bedroom when Joe gently touched me on the shoulder. Lifting the baby from my arms, he said he wanted to tuck Joey in tonight.

They headed down the hall, and I busied myself with meaningless tasks, expecting Joe to emerge from the bedroom within a few minutes. A half hour went by, and still he had not come back. Figuring he was having trouble getting our son to fall asleep, I tiptoed to the baby's room and peeked into the dimly lit room.

Sitting in the rocking chair, moving slowly back and forth, was my husband, stifling quiet sobs. He was holding our sleeping infant in his arms as though he would never let go.

I whispered, "Honey, what can I do?"

His pained eyes met mine, and after a moment he mumbled, "I just can't put him down."

That night, we stood over Joey's crib, holding each other, consoling ourselves and saying over and over that we would make it through this separation and be together again soon.

Joey is six now, and he has a four-year-old brother named Jack. There have been many farewells since that night, yet my military hero still fights back tears when it's time to leave once again in service to his country and give his boys that last, long hug good-bye.

What a vacation!!!

So, it has been a few days since my last post. We went on a 4-day vacation to San Diego with my dad and sister. We had a BLAST!!! I really didn't want to come back home.

We left on Saturday morning, and saying goodbye to the puppy was so sad. We left him with 'Grandma' so we knew he would be in good hands. Once we got into town and checked into the hotel, it was time to hit the pool!!! Even though we were only an hour and a half away from our home, it was as if we had left the country. We didn't have to worry about a thing! No laundry, no housework, no job....All that we had to think about was what drink we wanted to order while poolside! (I opted for a margarita!)
After spending a few hours at the pool we headed back to the room to shower and change and grab some food. Dinner ended up being Mexican (MY FAV!!) out in Old Town. It was a nice little area with some miscellaneous shops and dinner was very tasty!

Sunday (Easter) was the Phillie's baseball game. Nick was super stoked and our seats were AMAZING! We were able to stand up against the fence while the guys stretched and practice throwing the ball. I got sooo many pictures! They ended up winning, and swept the whole 4-game series against the SD Padres. Nick was like a little kid and even got his hat signed by one of the pitchers!!

Monday we went to the San Diego Zoo! Nick had never been and it had been a very long time for the rest of us! I just couldn't wait to see the monkeys!!! I was really hoping one could escape and come home with me! I can't even begin to explain how sore I am from all the walking. Uphill...downhill...uphill...downhill...Miles and miles and miles!!! Quite the workout! Nick and I got a caricature done of the two of us, and I must say, it came out GREAT! The guy did an amazing job! We went to dinner at a place called Lucha Libre Taco Shop. You may recognize this place from the TV show Man VS Food. If you even get a chance to go, DO IT! They have some of the best Mexican food I have ever eaten...HUGE portions and for soooo little money!! YUMMM

Sadly, we had to come back home today. As badly as we wanted to stay, reality was knocking on our door. We had to pick up our pup and get ready for a busy rest of the week.

I still haven't gotten our photo shoot pictures back yet, and I am DYING!!!!! I want to see them so very badly!

I'm ready for a nap...Until next time! <3

Who cries over laundry?!

Apparently, I do...

Today was a relatively normal day. Crawled out of bed, took the dog out, made some breakfast, sat around for a bit with the hubby, etc. We decided to pick ourselves up and run a few errands. We are going on a mini-vacation this weekend and have SOOO much to do before then.

We decided the things we needed to do didn't really involve both of us being present (Which means we can bring the pup. One of us goes into the store, the other waits in the car with the dog, or the dog is able to do whatever it is we are doing.) We like having days like this, and I think Jaxson appreciated not being locked in the crate all day!!

I get really happy when the three of us are just cruising along. It's as if we have left the real world for that short amount of time. The windows down, wind blowing through our ears, radio blaring! Ah, bliss! My favorite part is when the dog sticks his little face out the window trying to soak in as many smells as he possibly can. He just looks so happy!

Then I opened my big fat mouth!
"Baby, will you miss us when you're gone?
"Of course I will!! I will miss both of you equally, VERY MUCH!!"
**Insert tears and me shutting said big fat mouth**

We went about the rest of our day as planned.

When we got home I decided to throw in some laundry. As I am sorting everything into piles I'm saying (In my head) "Mine. His. Mine. His. Mine. His."
And then it hit me...This will probably be the last time I do his laundry for MONTHSSS!! It will only be mine...
I stood there, let out a huge sigh, and just started to cry...

So, who cries over laundry?? ME!

Chicken Soup for the Soul

Yesterday I went out and bought the book "Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul"

You're probably asking yourself why I would do this. I already have enough things to cry about, why on Earth would I want to read stories about other people's military experiences? Well, to answer your question....I HAVE NO IDEA!! I really don't know what possessed me to make this purchase. I came across the book one day on amazon and it has been stuck in my head ever since. I finally caved.

So far so good...minimal tears. But I thought it would be fun to share a few stories with you when I came across a good one. So, as you can guess, this post with have more than one part to it!

Here's the first one I really liked:

A NAVY WIFE'S PRAYER

How often we've stood on dark flight lines and piers...
"I love you", "I'll miss you" whispered through tears.
During long separations, in peacetime, at war...
my nights filled with dreams of this man I adore.
With only my memories to hold close at night...
I live for the day God returns my sunlight.
Yes, life goes on when your loved one's at sea...
but the ache never leaves, the fear stays with me.
Dear Lord, I need your guidance, your love...
help me be brave, keep your watch from above.
Hold my dear one so safe in your heart and your hand...
bring him home to his family...this hero...my man.
Of us, Lord, I pray he'll be filled with such pride...
of how we carried on without him by our side.
Please, help time fly quickly and soon I will hold...
the hand of the man whose eyes chase the cold.
Whose voice brings delight, whose touch eases pain.
How will I ever say "Farewell" again?
With your help, dear God, I'll try to stay strong...
and pray that his time here at home will be long.
Still, "I know that the navy will need him" I sigh...
but we'll face it together, Dear Lord, you and I.