I find myself saying "I want" waayyyy more than I say "I need". Which, I guess, could be a good thing. Maybe I have most of the things I NEED already...Maybe some of the things I want are some of the things I need too... This list should help me figure it out!
WANTS!
I want to go back to school.
I want to get another (Hopefully, good paying) job.
I want to go on a nice vacation with my hubby.
I want another pet.
I want to have children.
I want to buy a house.
I want to learn photography.
I want to get another tattoo.
I want to get my lip pierced.
I want to run a marathon...or at least try.
I want a backyard.
I want to travel.
I want to live in another state and not be terrified to actually move.
I want to teach.
I want to have a REAL wedding.
I want to wake up everyday and be proud of where I am!
NEEDS!
I need to go back to school.
I need another job.
I need to buy a house.
I need to get out of California and experience life!
I need to have children. (Yes, need.)
I need to get out of my comfort zone.
I need to find what makes me happy.
I NEED to wake up everyday and be proud of where I am!
Alright, alright...So, a lot of my wants are quite superficial. But that's what makes them "Wants", right? I am allowed to have things I want but don't necessarily need. Plus, some of my wants are also things that I feel like I need too...So, I guess I have things a little more figured out than I thought.
Sometimes, I just feel like there is a war inside myself. Each side has the right to stand up and fight, I just can't decide which side I want to be on. See, there's that "want" again...Should it be which side I "need" to be on??
This is where I get stuck...This is where I decide to sit idly by and watch both sides kill each other...This is what leaves me with nothing...
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I hate waiting
I have been trying to get all this school stuff taken care of which is already a head ache in itself...but they are making me wait and wait and wait!
I HATE waiting!
I can't even speak to a counselor until the 17th!! I just need to talk to someone and find out what I need to be preparing myself for for the next 4 years. But no...sigh...
Good things come to those who wait, right? So maybe this is a good sign! I just need things so go in the right direction...This is one thing in my life right now that CAN'T go wrong!!
Keeping my fingers crossed!!
I HATE waiting!
I can't even speak to a counselor until the 17th!! I just need to talk to someone and find out what I need to be preparing myself for for the next 4 years. But no...sigh...
Good things come to those who wait, right? So maybe this is a good sign! I just need things so go in the right direction...This is one thing in my life right now that CAN'T go wrong!!
Keeping my fingers crossed!!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
March MADNESS
It has been a few days since my last post and A LOT has happened. I am going to take the time to create a few sequels to previous posts.
JUST A CUP OF TEA PART 2
Well, my grandpa has had fewer "Ups" these days. He still seems to be in a coma and the doctors are convinced there is nothing else they can do for him. They decided to let him go home with my grandma and be provided with round the clock care. My Grandma already has so much on her plate as it is...I am worried for her. I don't want her stretching herself too thin! We don't really know what will happen from here...We all just want him to come out of this so badly! I guess now, we just wait.
THE MONKEY ON MY BACK PART 2
My husband ran a whole mile all by himself!!!
I guess this deserves a little background information...In September, my husband was hit by a truck on his motorcycle. It broke his leg (low in his shin) and practically shattered his foot. Over the last five months he has gone through numerous surgeries, procedures and physical therapy appointments. He no longer has any hardware in his foot and was told that his foot will start giving as much as he is willing to take from it. Up until about a month ago, the idea of deployment was out of the question! How could he fight when he could barely walk? The surgeon gave him 3 weeks...within that time, my husband has has to run three miles in 30 minutes. If he can do this, the surgeon will sign him off as "Well enough to deploy" It has pretty much just been a waiting game.
Not anymore, because MY HUSBAND RAN A WHOLE MILE ALL BY HIMSELF!!
He has been so strong willed this whole time. He wouldn't listen when people told him he'd never walk. He KNEW he was going to get through this! He KNEW he would be able to get back on that Harley! He KNEW he would be able to deploy. As much as this all scares me, and yes a part of me wanted the recovery process to last a little longer, I am SO proud of him! He is such a fighter and knowing that makes me feel SO much better about him leaving. I know he won't give up...
IT'S BEEN DECIDED!...I THINK... PART 2
I've been going nuts with this whole school thing the past few days!! I talked to a guidance counselor at one of the schools to get as much information as possible. Basically, I am looking at anywhere between 4 and 6 years to get done with the schooling. YIKES! Not to mention the amount of money!
I am going to meet with another counselor at a different school on Thursday. I am hoping they will be able to sort of draw out an educational plan for me. Just to see EXACTLY what it is going to take. I won't know anything else until then...
As far as the money goes....Part time job, here I come!! I plan to work as hard as I can to get this done! I know this is the right decision...the right path....I just need to start walking!
Well, that's everything for now! <3
JUST A CUP OF TEA PART 2
Well, my grandpa has had fewer "Ups" these days. He still seems to be in a coma and the doctors are convinced there is nothing else they can do for him. They decided to let him go home with my grandma and be provided with round the clock care. My Grandma already has so much on her plate as it is...I am worried for her. I don't want her stretching herself too thin! We don't really know what will happen from here...We all just want him to come out of this so badly! I guess now, we just wait.
THE MONKEY ON MY BACK PART 2
My husband ran a whole mile all by himself!!!
I guess this deserves a little background information...In September, my husband was hit by a truck on his motorcycle. It broke his leg (low in his shin) and practically shattered his foot. Over the last five months he has gone through numerous surgeries, procedures and physical therapy appointments. He no longer has any hardware in his foot and was told that his foot will start giving as much as he is willing to take from it. Up until about a month ago, the idea of deployment was out of the question! How could he fight when he could barely walk? The surgeon gave him 3 weeks...within that time, my husband has has to run three miles in 30 minutes. If he can do this, the surgeon will sign him off as "Well enough to deploy" It has pretty much just been a waiting game.
Not anymore, because MY HUSBAND RAN A WHOLE MILE ALL BY HIMSELF!!
He has been so strong willed this whole time. He wouldn't listen when people told him he'd never walk. He KNEW he was going to get through this! He KNEW he would be able to get back on that Harley! He KNEW he would be able to deploy. As much as this all scares me, and yes a part of me wanted the recovery process to last a little longer, I am SO proud of him! He is such a fighter and knowing that makes me feel SO much better about him leaving. I know he won't give up...
IT'S BEEN DECIDED!...I THINK... PART 2
I've been going nuts with this whole school thing the past few days!! I talked to a guidance counselor at one of the schools to get as much information as possible. Basically, I am looking at anywhere between 4 and 6 years to get done with the schooling. YIKES! Not to mention the amount of money!
I am going to meet with another counselor at a different school on Thursday. I am hoping they will be able to sort of draw out an educational plan for me. Just to see EXACTLY what it is going to take. I won't know anything else until then...
As far as the money goes....Part time job, here I come!! I plan to work as hard as I can to get this done! I know this is the right decision...the right path....I just need to start walking!
Well, that's everything for now! <3
Sunday, February 27, 2011
It's been decided!......I think.....
Today I had a conversation with my husband and my dad about my future. Where do I want to be in a year? In five years? Ten??? Definitely not sitting at home on my ass watching TV and eating bon-bons...definitely not chasing around a dozen rug-rats with barely enough money to feed them all...So where do I want to be? What do I want to do?
For the longest time (Pretty much for a long as I can remember) I have wanted to be a neonatal nurse. Babies are my life!! Being a part of bringing them into this life and caring for them in their first few days would be AMAZING to say the least. As a kid, I had hundreds of baby dolls. As a teen, I had two younger sisters that I was a part of raising. But now, as an adult, the sunshine and rainbows of the job aren't quite as clear to me. Now I am realizing the downside too. What happens if a baby doesn't survive? What if I can't help?? There is no way I would be able to take the emotion out of my job. The first time I lost a child, I would lose myself too. No matter how much I try to convince myself that the good would out-weigh the bad, I still don't believe I can do it anymore...
So now what??
Well, I have talked a lot about being a kindergarten teacher. (Maybe even 1st-3rd) I would still be a part of those children's lives! I would still help mold!! Their future would still be in my hands but not quite like the way it would be in a nursing career. This sounds pretty much perfect for me! Getting to spend everyday with young kids, having summers and holidays off AND the pay isn't too bad either.
First things first...EDUCATION!!!! This is where I start to lose sight of things...I love school and not to sound cocky, but I am pretty smart too! However, paying for the schooling is going to kill me!! Why does applying for financial aid have to SUCK so badly?? I don't have any money, and I don't make any money...that should mean I can GET some money...But, noooooooo.....I guess I just have to take things one step at a time.
I must say, this is probably the best decision I have made thus far in my life. (Besides marrying my hubby ;p ) I am just praying that everything goes the way I am hoping it will and I will be one happy camper! YAY
For the longest time (Pretty much for a long as I can remember) I have wanted to be a neonatal nurse. Babies are my life!! Being a part of bringing them into this life and caring for them in their first few days would be AMAZING to say the least. As a kid, I had hundreds of baby dolls. As a teen, I had two younger sisters that I was a part of raising. But now, as an adult, the sunshine and rainbows of the job aren't quite as clear to me. Now I am realizing the downside too. What happens if a baby doesn't survive? What if I can't help?? There is no way I would be able to take the emotion out of my job. The first time I lost a child, I would lose myself too. No matter how much I try to convince myself that the good would out-weigh the bad, I still don't believe I can do it anymore...
So now what??
Well, I have talked a lot about being a kindergarten teacher. (Maybe even 1st-3rd) I would still be a part of those children's lives! I would still help mold!! Their future would still be in my hands but not quite like the way it would be in a nursing career. This sounds pretty much perfect for me! Getting to spend everyday with young kids, having summers and holidays off AND the pay isn't too bad either.
First things first...EDUCATION!!!! This is where I start to lose sight of things...I love school and not to sound cocky, but I am pretty smart too! However, paying for the schooling is going to kill me!! Why does applying for financial aid have to SUCK so badly?? I don't have any money, and I don't make any money...that should mean I can GET some money...But, noooooooo.....I guess I just have to take things one step at a time.
I must say, this is probably the best decision I have made thus far in my life. (Besides marrying my hubby ;p ) I am just praying that everything goes the way I am hoping it will and I will be one happy camper! YAY
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Tinman DOES have a heart!
Last night I was finally able to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with my husband. It felt unbelievable to get everything off my chest. I just kept telling him that this time is different...this time is scary. I support him 100% but he needs to be there in return to support me too.
He started with anger...Angry that I couldn't just get through this. That I was overreacting. That I was being over-emotional...But eventually, that anger turned into understanding.
When he is at work with other marines and friends, they tend to make light of the situation by using humor. Jokes to make a tragic situation seem just that much better. They play this "Tough Guy" role and forget that it is actually okay to be nervous. That is what us wives are for. We are here to let you know that we back you up everyday...We are here through thick and thin! But making jokes is only like taking a little dagger to our hearts...
He tries to be the tough guy whiles he's home. He thinks making jokes will make it easier on me. "Why do you feel the need to dwell on the negative?" he asks me. "We don't want to be reminded of the bad...You shouldn't either!"
As a woman, we like to analyze EVERY aspect of a situation...that's just how we work. We can't accept the good without knowing the bad, too. We don't want to imagine our man not coming back home to us, but at the same time, we don't want to hear that you're invincible...that nothing will ever happen to you. That only makes us worry more. Worry that you aren't going into this seriously.
I am so proud of my husband and what he does. My husband...a Unites States Marine! Someone that SO many people look up to and support! I will be behind him no matter what.
So, after over an hour spent and a few tears shed (Okay, A LOT of tears shed) we finally came to an agreement...
I promise to not overwhelm him at work with the things I worry about via text message. I will wait until he is home to sit down and have an actual conversation.
And he promises to remove his "Marine Hat" while he is home and just be my husband...
To my husband, USMC SGT Nickolas A. Poole, I will love you forever!! Semper Fi <3
He started with anger...Angry that I couldn't just get through this. That I was overreacting. That I was being over-emotional...But eventually, that anger turned into understanding.
When he is at work with other marines and friends, they tend to make light of the situation by using humor. Jokes to make a tragic situation seem just that much better. They play this "Tough Guy" role and forget that it is actually okay to be nervous. That is what us wives are for. We are here to let you know that we back you up everyday...We are here through thick and thin! But making jokes is only like taking a little dagger to our hearts...
He tries to be the tough guy whiles he's home. He thinks making jokes will make it easier on me. "Why do you feel the need to dwell on the negative?" he asks me. "We don't want to be reminded of the bad...You shouldn't either!"
As a woman, we like to analyze EVERY aspect of a situation...that's just how we work. We can't accept the good without knowing the bad, too. We don't want to imagine our man not coming back home to us, but at the same time, we don't want to hear that you're invincible...that nothing will ever happen to you. That only makes us worry more. Worry that you aren't going into this seriously.
I am so proud of my husband and what he does. My husband...a Unites States Marine! Someone that SO many people look up to and support! I will be behind him no matter what.
So, after over an hour spent and a few tears shed (Okay, A LOT of tears shed) we finally came to an agreement...
I promise to not overwhelm him at work with the things I worry about via text message. I will wait until he is home to sit down and have an actual conversation.
And he promises to remove his "Marine Hat" while he is home and just be my husband...
To my husband, USMC SGT Nickolas A. Poole, I will love you forever!! Semper Fi <3
Friday, February 25, 2011
The monkey on my back...
Today is not a good day. This deployment is slowly creeping up on me and I am not ready. My husband shouldn't even be going this time!! Why is this happening??? I only have two months left to soak up as much of his love as possible. Everyday gets harder and harder. My husband comes home everyday with more and more gear and it feels like it is all being piled onto my shoulders.
Today is not a good day. Every time I walk by his stuff lined up in our living room, I cry. I have not had enough time to prepare for this! He shouldn't be going...We were told he wouldn't be going...I am trying to be supportive on the outside, but on the inside I just want to die...
I have been through one deployment already. You'd think it would be no problem. But this time is different...This time is scary...I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be alone. What would I do without him?? He likes to think he is invincible and that nothing could ever happen to him. He likes to make jokes and poke fun at the idea of this deployment, but every joke is another knife to the heart. This isn't funny to me...This isn't a joke. I try and talk to him about it but he doesn't want to have a serious conversation...he doesn't want to hear the possibilities...I feel like I am all alone in this...
I just need someone to talk to. Someone who can share their experiences with me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I can't fill my days with enough to get me through this...all I can do is cry...
Dear deployment,
I hate you!
Sincerely,
Ashleigh
Today is not a good day. Every time I walk by his stuff lined up in our living room, I cry. I have not had enough time to prepare for this! He shouldn't be going...We were told he wouldn't be going...I am trying to be supportive on the outside, but on the inside I just want to die...
I have been through one deployment already. You'd think it would be no problem. But this time is different...This time is scary...I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be alone. What would I do without him?? He likes to think he is invincible and that nothing could ever happen to him. He likes to make jokes and poke fun at the idea of this deployment, but every joke is another knife to the heart. This isn't funny to me...This isn't a joke. I try and talk to him about it but he doesn't want to have a serious conversation...he doesn't want to hear the possibilities...I feel like I am all alone in this...
I just need someone to talk to. Someone who can share their experiences with me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I can't fill my days with enough to get me through this...all I can do is cry...
Dear deployment,
I hate you!
Sincerely,
Ashleigh
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The dreaded gym!
I woke up this morning feeling terrible. Partly because I spend everyday pretty much alone and partly because the reality of this upcoming deployment is starting to sink in...
I decided to take it out on the gym! What I didn't know was that the gym would, in turn, take it out on me! EVERYTHING HURTS!!! What a work out! Now, I just need to find the motivation to do this to myself everyday...Where does that come from??
We shall see what happens tomorrow I suppose! Wish me luck!!
I decided to take it out on the gym! What I didn't know was that the gym would, in turn, take it out on me! EVERYTHING HURTS!!! What a work out! Now, I just need to find the motivation to do this to myself everyday...Where does that come from??
We shall see what happens tomorrow I suppose! Wish me luck!!
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