All aboard the Hot Mess Express!

2016... What can I say about this year?

If someone asked me to sum up this year into one word, I wouldn't be able to. Three words I could do. They would be What. The. F#*%.

This year has been the hardest one of my life. At least I'm pretty sure. Most of it has been a blur. But the parts I remember are pretty dang crappy if you ask me!

At the beginning of the year, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she was going to come up with one word that would define her year. She challenged her friends to do the same, so I did. My word was DETERMINED. I was determined to make 2016 the best year yet. The year of ME.  The year that I could look back on and say, "Man, look at what I accomplished".
Now, health wise, I guess you could say I did a pretty good job at bettering myself. I started using AdvoCare products full time again, started a new workout program, and even started meal prepping. The combination of these three things has resulted in a 20 lb weight loss in about 10 months and I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in...physically... Mentally though, that's another story.

I am a wreck in my head. Like, I thought I was ON the struggle bus, but it turns out, I'm driving that sumbitch. And I don't have a license. And all four tires are flat. And it's out of gas. And did I mention it's on fire?
Yea. It's definitely on fire. And not like a "oh, just blow on it" fire. Like an "oh shit. save the women and children" kind of fire. A "we're all gonna die" kind of fire...
Do you get the picture yet?
k, good.

Every day is hard. It is hard to wake up. It's hard to be happy and engaged with my children who are up before the sun. I feel myself being angry even before I get out of bed. I'm starting each day on the wrong foot and I can't figure out why.
There is so much pressure on me to be the mom and the wife and the maid and the cook and the driver and the teacher...

My children are suffering because I can't get my shit together. My stress and my exhaustion is being taken out on them. I've got two wild and crazy boys. They are loud and rambunctious. They fight and scream. They are so stubborn. Oh my god, so stubborn! The whining and the tantrums. The talking back. It's all wearing on me. I feel my patience thinning. My fuse getting shorter and shorter by the day. By the hour. By the minute. I blow up at the smallest things. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to yell. I don't want to be angry anymore and I definitely don't want my children to continue to suffer because of how I'm feeling inside.
I feel awful when I yell. I don't like it. I don't like how it makes me feel and I don't want that to be how my children see me anymore. Because they deserve so much better than this.

I think a lot of this stems from this duty. So many people warned me about recruiting duty being the "Divorce Duty". That most marriages don't survive the full three years. And I can certainly see why. The first two years were tough, but manageable. I was still getting used to the town, and the people, and the job. I was busy trying to get settled so maybe I just didn't realize how stressful it was. But this year has been insane. Hubby is working almost every day. Long. Ass. Days. The boys hardly see him. I'm lucky enough to spend an hour each night with him while he shovels cold dinner into his mouth and shuffles through piles and piles of clean (unfolded) laundry looking for two socks that match. We might get one show in but by now it's 10pm and we're exhausted and realizing that another long day is knocking at the door. I can understand why a marriage wouldn't last. How do you stay married to someone you don't ever see? I always say that if I had to spend any quality time with my husband, I might realize I don't even like him that much. Of course it's a joke.

I am so proud of him and I appreciate how hard he works for us, but it is hard. Moving up here, away from our family and friends, has not been easy. Not even a little bit. It is just the two of us, and thanks to his job, its just pretty much me, trying to raise two small boys, maintain a house, cook, clean, and everything in between. I have no help. No babysitters. Nobody I can really turn to when I just can't keep up with the work load. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I am struggling to find my place here. I don't exactly feel like I belong here. I don't really feel needed here. The not feeling needed part. That one hurts the worst. I miss having people in my life who needed me as much as I needed them. I think this comes with the military. I've met some great girls here but it's hard to make friends when you, or they, could leave at any minute. I feel like so many military families keep a guard up. They don't get close to a lot of people so that it isn't hard to say good bye. But I'm not like that. And I will probably never be like that. I give everyone my heart. I want them to know that I will always be there for them no matter what happens or how far apart we may end up. I take them in as my family and would do anything for them. No questions asked.

...

I'm about to take a weird turn here...
Parents, you know how all day long you're like, please just let it be bed time so I don't kill my seedlings!!! And then bed time comes, and those little devils are sleeping so soundly and peacefully and you just want to squeeze the life out of them because you love them so much... but instead you just look at all the pictures you took of them all day. You forget about all the times you yelled and how mad they made you. Well, I just looked down at my mouse pad which happens to be a picture of my boys from over a year ago when D was just a teeny little sleeping nugget. His big brother had his arm wrapped around him and they held hands just long enough for me to snap a picture. It's my favorite picture of them. Excuse me while I go bawl my eyes out and wonder where my little babies went...

Hubby will hopefully be home soon so I better make it look like I haven't been crying all day!


ps. I decided not to even go back and read through this because I am sure it is a piecey mess of jumble, so it you've made it this far, you deserve a gold star! Welcome to my blog. It should be called "What the heck are you talking about?! by ashleigh"

A moment of failure is only a moment.

I've been dealing with some dark stuff lately.
Depression...anxiety...anger...
Just to name a few.

I put all of my time and energy into being a mom and wife. I spend every single second of my day making sure my family is happy and healthy, there's food on the table, the house is clean, there are clean clothes to wear, toys to play with.
Pick me up, mommy. Play cars, mommy. Come outside, mommy. I'm hungry, mommy.

And before anyone snaps back with "Well, this is the life you chose", I know! I know I did. I WANT to be a wife. I WANT to be a mom. And I love my life. I love my husband. I love my boys. More than I love anything in this world! But sometimes it really fuckin sucks.

I'm tired. Like, all the time. I'm in bed late after finally getting to clean up after the kids for the 4,000th time and getting Hubs ready for work the next day. And I'm up early with a baby who wakes before the sun for a feeding and a boy who can hear a pin drop. Heaven forbid anyone walks around the house, or showers, or breathes...he can hear it.
From the moment I lift my head from the pillow, to the moment I lay it back down, I am going. Full speed. Chasing two boys, walking a dog, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, picking up toys. So many toys! Breakfast, lunch dinner, snacks, milk...more milk! Crying, yelling, whining. Not a single moment of peace.

Sometimes it's just too much. And with absolutely no time left over for myself, I have reached my breaking point.

I snapped. I yelled. Like, the kind of yell that hurts your throat. The kind that reddens your face and sends smoke out your ears.

I knew the moment it happened that I had done wrong. I left the baby in the living room, sent the boy to his room and closed myself in my bathroom.
I cried. Big ugly tears. I was mad and frustrated and so ashamed of myself for what I did.

...

Moments later, the door opened. My three year old is standing there looking at me. I have mascara streaming down my face. I know I must look awful. I can't even look up at him. I'm so embarrassed.
He whispers "I love you, mommy....You look beautiful. I like your make up and your cool shirt."



"There will be so many times you feel like you've failed. But in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child...you are SuperMom!"

To you, sweet boy,
Thank you for loving me even when I don't love myself.

*tap tap* Is this thing still on??

*brushes off the dust*

I think it's time to give the old blog a little lovin'!


It has been close to 3 million years since I last wrote a blog post. I got busy. I got lazy. I miss it though! I miss getting my thoughts out when things get all crazy and swirly in my head!

I've had a baby since my last post. A BABY! That means like, 9 months of pregnancy fatness and a whole 7 months of squishy babiness have happened since my last post!
Being a mother of two is pretty much as I expected. It's friggin crazy. There's this three year old who thinks he rules the roost. He's strong-willed and opinionated and hard-headed and smart...SO smart! He loves riding motorcycles and thinks he has super powers and he wants to be a robot when he grows up, so that's cool. And then there's the 7 month old... He is so much like his brother some days and other days I have to question whether they're even related! His laughter is infectious and his smile lights up a room. He thinks his big brother is the bees knees and I hope he always does.

I've got more gray hair now...and wrinkles... because let's be real, motherhood is no joke. The house always looks like a bomb went off no matter how many times I clean it a day. I don't sleep much. I have grown that second set of eyes mothers get so I can do dishes AND stop the kid from trying to pick up his little brother. I don't have a job, but boy do I work! I spend my entire day making sure those little boys are clean and fed and happy and that's okay. Watching them together these last 7 months has been the greatest thing on the planet and I wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything in the world!

I have started putting time aside for myself recently. It's not nearly enough, but it's a start. I came into 2016 with the goal to make this year the year of ME. I don't want to lose myself in the role of a mother because, while I am a mom, that's not the only thing that defines who I am. I am taking control of my health and wellness with the help of AdvoCare and am determined to finally lose that baby weight I never really got rid of after the first baby... (Hey, it happens!) I take full advantage of nap time to get in a good work out instead of lounging on the couch and channel surfing. This has made a huge difference in my stress levels. I find that I am much more patient with the boys and I am not totally snapping at my husband at the end of the day.

All in all, things have been pretty dang good and I am excited to see what this year has in store for me!

The secret to having it all, is knowing that you already do.

I really don't think I say it enough.

I am so grateful for this life.

I have an extremely hard working husband who does everything he can to support and provide for our little family. He goes to bed late every night just to get a little bit of family time in before another long day of work. He has continued his career in the military, and put his dreams to the side more times than I can count, just to keep a roof over his family's heads. I know that he is stressed out most days, but he is (usually) pretty good about not letting anyone know it. I don't know what we would do without this guy!

We have three AMAZING kids! Yes, two of them are covered in fur... but we love them just the same! Even on their worst days, I wouldn't even dream of trading them in! ;) G will be 2 in just a few short months and I can't believe it! He has grown so much and is so incredibly smart. Even smarter than me sometimes, I think! He is always learning something new and is constantly surprising me with what he is capable of. That little boy can put a smile on my face like no one else.

I get to be a stay at home mommy! Staying at home is by far the hardest job I have ever had. But in so many ways, it is also the most rewarding. I haven't missed out on a single thing in our child's life. Not one missed step...not a single word unheard. For that, I am extremely lucky. Of course there are days when I would sell my left arm just to finish a cup of coffee. Days when the laundry is coming out my ears. Days when I can't remember if I've showered....But I wouldn't trade a single one of those days knowing that I might miss out of watching my little guy grow up. There will always be chores left undone and I am okay with that because my baby will only be a baby for a short while.

I have turned my favorite hobby into a small business. I love photography! It brings me so much joy to know that I get paid to do something I love. No, I could not survive off of this income, and that's okay with me! I love being available for the people who cannot afford $300+ for a photo shoot. The people who are just like me. Who STILL don't have a family photo hanging on their wall because $300 just isn't in their budgets. I like knowing that my clients are happy. That I am providing them with a good deal. And at the end of the week, I get to take my little guy out for a special Mommy-Son lunch. THAT'S what I do this for.

I have the most amazing family! My parents and my in-laws are so fantastic. My life has certainly had its ups and downs...especially since becoming a military wife! Things are not always easy. I don't always have an answer. Sometimes I think I have a plan, but as my fellow military wives know, that plan is never guaranteed until the military says it is. (and even then...who knows!) Moving away from my family has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I miss them more and more each day that I am away. I hate not having them to lean on when I have had a hard day. I hate that G asks for them on a daily basis. It's hard...very hard.

My friends are no longer just friends...they are my chosen family. I only have a few, but they're all I need! One text can brighten my whole day. We can go days, even weeks, without talking and yet it's like no time has passed at all. They are my favorite people. They complete me.


The secret to having it all, is knowing that you already do. And boy do I have it all!

Feel all the emotionzzz!!!

So, Sunday marked my One Month-iversary! It is so crazy to think that it has already been a whole month since G and I flew up here.

Things have been going really well! I venture out here and there to check out new places and towns. I am definitely getting used to the area and what it has to offer. I even got to meet a few of the wives from Nick's work! Everyone has been super nice :) Actually, that's one of the things I like most about this area. Compared to Southern Ca, the people here are soooooo much nicer! People wave as they walk by, sometimes even strike up a conversation. I am ashamed to admit that I actually thought this was weird at first but this is how it SHOULD be! Heaven forbid we should be friendly with one another!

So what's new? I apologize but this may get ramble...y...?

I still don't have the house completely unpacked... tisk tisk! It is incredibly hard to get anything done with the little monster running around doing all the things I just told him 70 times not to. My chore time is squeezed into the hour (maybe two) that the kid naps. And even then, I am limited on what I can do based on noise level. IE no vacuuming, no dishes, no laundry, etc. The kid has bionic hearing!

Hubby and I got to go to our first Sacramento River Cats game the other night! A group of retired Marines treated the Recruiting crew to a suite filled with more food than we could possibly eat! We had a great time and it was super nice to have an adult night out. Lets just say, those have been EXTREMELY limited these days :(

I am hoping to get G into a daycare/preschool type program soon. This mama could definitely use some grown up interaction! I love that boy to death but if we don't get some separation soon, my head might explode! Even if it just means joining a gym and sticking him in the provided play room for an hour. Anything to get some "me time". I would also really love to get a job while we're here but daycare is ridiculously expensive. How do people afford it?!!?!?!?!? And how do I know I can even trust the person watching him?

My sister is coming to visit in 16 days! I am so beyond excited! I have really really been missing my family lately. I do like it here, but it is really hard being so far away. G talks about his aunts and grandparents nearly every day and no matter what I say to him, he just doesn't understand that we can't just go see them. We are so used to seeing my parents at least once a week so this month has been an emotional challenge.

Speaking of emotional... Where the heck do all these tears come from!? This last week especially I have been an emotional wreck! Even as I write this I feel my throat starting to get tight. This whole move has been pretty stressful, but I thought I was handling it really well! I am starting to think that my body/mind viewed this whole move as more of a vacation. Like "Hey! We're gonna go visit this new place and it will be exciting and fun and a new adventure and then you'll get to come home and go back to normal." I think the reality that this is not a vacation, that this is our new life and we actually live here, is settling in.
I'm stressed, I'm tired, and the kid is giving me such a hard time lately! I'm sure this is just as hard on him as it is on the rest of us but I could really use a break.

I think I need a beach day! Sun, sand, salty air...

Our new home!

G and I arrived at our new home on Sunday. Hubby had already set up the major necessities, i.e. living room furniture, our beds, daily kitchen needs, etc. That made things a little easier on me. It felt like home with all of my things waiting for me instead of walking into an empty shell of a house. I have been trying to get the rest of our things unpacked little by little. We have waayyyy too much crap for a family of three! How did that happen???

I'm liking this area so far. Although still California, I might as well be in a different state. Things are green here! GREEN! I have trees in my backyard...No, not palm trees. Big, leafy, shade giving, green trees! Birds live in them! This kid and the dogs are absolutely loving having a back yard. I must admit, I love it too. I don't have have everyone under my feet all day. When I need to get stuff done, I just send the pups out for some playtime and voila! It's amazing :)
Our house is very small. With that come good and bad things. The nice part is I don't have much to clean! The not so nice part is trying to find room for all of the previously mentioned crap we have accumulated over the years. I see a garage sale in our near future!

Anyways, I have compiled a Pros/Cons list based on what I have experienced in the last two days.

PROS:

Did I mention it's green here?
The weather has been beautiful.
Our neighborhood is very quiet.
There is a Starbucks within walking distance.
We have a kids park just around the corner from our house.
My cousin lives nearby.
Target, Walmart and Costco are all about 10 minutes away.
We're close to the city, but not too close.
We have a GIANT backyard!
Mail is delivered to our front door.
We're about 10 minutes from the water...hello fishing, swimming, relaxing family time!

CONS:

I have no idea where the F@#K I am going!!
Some of the nearby blocks/towns are ghetto-ish but I have no idea which ones.
The city has one way streets.
I need GPS just to get out of my neighborhood.
I need Yelp to find food, water, grocery....everything....
My family and friends now 8 1/2 hours away.
G asks for his grandparents every morning and it breaks my heart.
The speed limit is about 15mph less than in SoCal and I feel like a turtle.



I have a lot to get used to but I have an open mind and a positive mindset! I am excited to see what the next 3-ish years have in store for my little family :)

PS...If you want to come visit, we have an extra room and a VERY comfy blow up mattress.

A new city!

The day is quickly approaching!! The day that we get to find out where we are moving to!

I have known the date that we would find out since the very beginning of all of this but for some reason I didn't realize that it was right around the corner! In just 10 days, I will know where we will live for the next 3 years. I would appreciate any thoughts and prayers here...Please don't send me to the middle of nowhere!!! This CaliGirl needs sun, sand, and a Starbucks on every corner!

I am actually getting quite nervous to find out! This is a huge deal for me. I have never lived anywhere else before so the thought of moving away from everything I have known for the last 25 years is really freaking me out!

I'm also excited though! This will be a big change for our little family. A journey, as everyone keeps saying. We will get the opportunity to see a new part of the country and not everyone can say that! Some people go their whole lives without ever seeing what is past their front porch. Well, that won't be me anymore! A new city, new people. A chance to start fresh! And THAT is something I can look forward to!